

, 


11 




a 



Glass 
Book 








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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT; 



Mirandy 




"I des parades myself by } em one mo } time." 



Mirandy 



By 



Dorothy Dix k^A 



- 










With illustrations by 

E. W. Kemble 



New York 
Hearst's International Library Co. 
1914 



1 



Copyright, 1912, 1913, by 
International Magazine Co. 

Copyright, 1914, by 
Hearst's International Library Co., Inc. 



All rights reserved, including the trans- 
lation into foreign languages, including 
the Scandinavian* 



APR \3 19/4 

©CU 3 71 55 



I 


The Good Old Summer Time 


Page 
• 13 


II 


Visiting the Sick 


• 25 


III 


Revising the Ten Command 






ments ... 


32 


IV 


The Troubles of Women . 


37 


V 


Women's Clubs 


■ 53 


VI 


Why Men Don't Marry . 


. 61 


VII 


Different Tongues . 


• 67 


VIII 


A Good Beginning . 


76 


IX 


Friendship 


. 82 


X 


Our Enemies .... 


89 


XI 


Retaining a Husband's Love 


. 96 


XII 


The Superior Civilization o 


f 




Man . ': 

* * • 


102 


XIII 


Other People's Children 


. 108 


XIV 


Food Values .... 


. 116 


XV 


Breakin' up a Match . 


. 127 


XVI 


Theories 


• 134 


XVII 


Canned Voices .... 


■ 147 



Contents 

Page 

XVIII Woman's Tears . . . .153 

XIX Women Popping the Question . 159 

XX The Ethics of Clothes , . . .168 

XXI Worrying 175 

XXII Adamless Edens . . . .184 

XXIII Why Women Can't Vote . . 190 

XXIV Matrimony 201 

XXV The Higher Education . . . 207 

XXVI The Price of Fame . . . . 214 

XXVII Advantages of Invalidism . . 227 

XXVIII Creeds .-236 

XXIX Being Good 243 

XXX Christmas 249 




List of Illustrations 

"I des parades myself by 'em one mo' 

time" Frontispiece V 

FACIXG PAGE 

"I meets up wid Br'er Ben, what is de deacon in 

my chu'ch" . 20 ^ 

"Mirandy, you better let me tote yo' pocketbook 

for you" 40 - 

"An den he ax me to forgive him" . . . . 48 v '' 

"I'se gwine disband de Daughters of Zion" . 54 > 

"But I don't know whut it means" . . . . 70 v 



When Ike was a young man he sho'ly was a 
buck nigger' " .92 



" A ~> 



An' makes him sing a song dat is got forty 
'leven verses to hit" . . . . . .110 

"I ain't been one of dem dat axed whedder whut 

I read was so" 118 u 

"Hit looked lak to me dat I done got a revela- 
tion when I reads how I could soften up 
Si's nature, an' turn him into a lover by 
dietin' him up on vegetables" .... 122 

"De speaker w r as one of dese heah stringy ole 

pullets" 136 



List of Illustrations 

FACING PAGE 

"Little Teddy Roosterfelt was a-kickin' about 

what he had to eat" . . 140 V 

"Wid po'k chops a-soarin' up lak dey had wings, 

de men is mighty slow a-comin' along" . 160 v 

"I worried de washbo'd so hard dat I sent Ma'y 

Jane to de female cemetery" 178 

"I'd feel mighty bad when I'd see Mabel Maud 

had done wore out de knee of her stockin' " 182 * 

"I opens my mouth and shets my eyes" . . . 190 • 

The Sweet Girl Graduate ....... 208 y 

"May Jane got elected to be de Queen of Sheba" 216 

"A committee of de brederen come roun' to 

present de lovin'-cup to Ike" 222 

"A pile of bottles dat will be a monyment to my 

memory" 228 

"I pins my faith to the rolling pin" .... 252 




Mirandy 



Mirandy 

i 

The Good Old Summer Time 

"^VT'ESSUM, I is jest got back from my sum- 
A mer vacation, an' Ps ready to take yo' 
wash ag'in. 

"Yessum, I alius goes off on a summer vaca- 
tion, an 5 I gives Ike one, becaze I'sa merciful 
woman, an' I believes dat ev'ry wife ought to let 
her husband git de chanst to slip de yoke of 
matermony ev'ry now an' den, so as to ease his 
neck a little, an' let de galled places git well. 

"Yessum, after a man has done focht his pay- 
envelope home ev'ry Saturday night for a year, 
an' has gone to roost wid de chickens, an' has had 
to hold his breath when he come near his wife ef 
he has stopped by de corner saloon, an' has 
wound up de clock an' put de cat out of 

doors, he shorely does need a holiday. Yessum, 

is 



14 Mirandy 

he's done earned hit, an' hit's a mighty measly, 
ornery kind of a wife dat'll begrudge hit to him. 

"A woman dat won't let up on de henpeckin' 
once a year sho' am a po'-sperited creeter, an' 
when I hears 'bout dese devoted wives dat never 
has left dere husbands, nor let dere husbands out 
of dere sight, I sut'nly does feel my heart go out 
towards dem men in pity, an' lak sendin' in a 
hurry call for dat cruelty to animals s'ciety. 
Yessum, I reckons dat one of dese heah affec- 
tionate wives what a husband can't shake winter 
nor summer is one of de worst afflictions dat de 
good Lawd can send on a man. 

"Dat's de reason dat ev'ry summer I takes 
a trip for Ike's health, becaze dere ain't nothin' 
in dis worl' dat peartens a man up so lak gittin' 
rid of his wife, even ef hit ain't but for two or 
three weeks, an' I alius notices dat when I gits 
back home off of mv vacation Ike looks about 
ten years younger, an' lak he's done took de rest 
cure. He's dat spryed up an' cheered up dat 
you would think dat he was a fresh widower — 
an' dere certainly ain't nothin' dat seems to be so 
good for a man's health as losin' his wife. 

"An' 'tain't no wonder dat a vacation, even 
when de wife takes hit, does de husband good. 
Hit's jest natchul. Time a man an' a woman 



The Good Old Summer Time 15 

has lived togedder for 'leven months out of de 
year, dey has got enough, an 5 mo 5 dan enough, 
of each odder's company. Dey's told each odder 
ev'ry thing dey knows, an' de conversation kinder 
runs low in de bin, an' des to make talk dey 
begins to argufy, an' dat leads to scrappin', an' 
most gen' rally dey lands in de divorsh court, 
or de cop comes along an' runs 'em in for makin'' 
a rough house. 

"Becaze dere's dis funny thing about mat- 
ermony— bein' married is lak gazin' at de sun. 
After you has looked too long an 5 too steady at 
de partner of yo' bosom you don't see no thin' 
but spots. Dey is des covered wid blemishes 
ontil you can't see nothin' good in 'em, an' de 
best cure for hit is des to break away, an' go 
an' look at somethin' else ontil hit rests yo' eyes. 

"Dat's de way wid me an' Ike. We sashays 
along mighty comfortable in double harness for 
a while, an' den some day I begins to feel lak 
I'll throw de coffee-pot at Ike's head ef he tells 
dat ole story one mo' time 'bout how he would 
have won de prize in de policy game ef only he 
had of had de right ticket. Den Ike he in- 
troduces de subject of infant immersion — 
a-knowin' dat I is a deep-water Baptist — dat we 
begun fightin' about befo' our fust baby was 



16 Mirandy 

born, an' dat is still good for a scrap after thuty 
years of warfare. 

"Den Ike, he ups an' axes me ef I don't think 
dat I's a-takin' on flesh, an' I wonders ef Ike 
was as bow-legged when I married him as he is 
now, an' den hit's kinder proned into me dat de 
time has come for me or Ike, one or de odder, 
to git away somewheres, an' git off of de odder 
one's nerves. An' so I packs my carpet-bag an' 
lights out, an' when I starts off all dat I can see 
when I tells Ike good-by at de depot is a po', 
runty little nigger man, wid a bald head, an' 
stooped shoulders, an' crooked legs. 

"But I ain't been gone mo' dan three days befo' 
he sorter begins to improve in my mind when I 
thinks about him, an' by de end of de fust week 
I finds dat I is a-braggin' to de women dat I 
meets up wid about what a fine, pussonable- 
lookin' man, wid an intellectual brow, dat I is 
married to, an' by de time I gits ready to come 
home dat ole nigger sut'nly does look good to 
me, an' I wouldn't trade him off for de finest 
young buck in town. Dat I wouldn't. 

"An' hit's de same way wid Ike. Co'se Ike 
has got too good manners to tell me dat 
he's glad I's gwine away an' dat he is tired of 
wonderin' how he ever was fool enough to marry 



The Good Old Summer Time 17 

a woman dat has got a figger lak a feather-bed, 
an' dat is so homely dat hit's a wonder dat she 
don't bust de lookin'-glass when she peeks in 
hit to see ef her bonnet is on straight. Naw'm, 
Ike acts lak a puffick gentleman, an' lies about 
how sorry he is dat I's gwine, an' tells me dat 
he will be mighty lonesome widout me. But 
he don't fool me none. Naw'm. Dere's a lot 
of resignation in his looks, an' I knows dat he's 
thinkin' dat he is gwine to play craps half de 
night, an' drink all de beer he can hold, an' dat 
hit's gwine to be mighty restful to come home at. 
three o'clock in de mawnin', an' not find a 
woman waitin' up for him wid a flat-iron. 
Furdermo', I knows dat all Ike sees in me is a fat 
woman dat w T addles as she walks, an' dat has 
got a tongue about a yard long. 

"But I ain't been gone long befo' Ike finds out 
dat he ain't as good a crap-player as he thought 
he was, an' dat beer gives him de headache, an' 
dat he is most pizened hisself on his own cookin' ; 
an' den hit begins to git sort of proned in on him 
dat a wife what keeps things clean an' neat, an' 
dat has got a master hand at cookin', is a sorter 
convenient thing to have aroun' de house, an' 
dat he's got out of de way of bein' a sport, any- 
how. 



18 Mirandy 

"Den I comes home, an' you better believe he's 
glad to see me an' I's glad to see him, an' I don't 
notice dem bow legs of hissen, an' de very fust 
word dat he says to me is: 'Land of Goshen, 
Mirandy, how you is fell off! I declare to 
gracious, dere ain't none of dese heah young 
gals dat's got a figger lak yourn.' 

"Yessum, a vacation shorely is a life-savin' sta- 
tion for matermony, an' I 'spects dat ef hit 
warn't for de chanst dat we has to git away from 
each odder in de summer for a while dat most 
of us would bust de tie dat binds an' chafes so 
dat dere wouldn't be no patchin' of hit togedder 
no mo'. But dere's one thing dat I is thankful 
for, an' dat is dat de Recording Angel knocks 
off wuk an' shuts up shop in de summer time. 
Becaze ef he didn't most of us would have a 
through ticket for de place where hit's summer 
all de time. Yessum, we shorely would. 

"Any way you looks at hit dere's one mighty 
funny thing about de summer time, an' dat is dat 
as de the'mometor goes up, folks's religion goes 
down, an' dey does things on de Fo'th of July 
widout winkin' an eye or turnin' a hair dat hit 
would des plumb scandalize 'em to even think 
about doin' at Chris'mus. 

"Yessum, hit 'pears lak de hot weather kinder 



The Good Old Summer Time 19 

melts down yo' principles, an' gives de Ole Boy 
a chanst, an' de fust news you knows you is 
segasuatin' out of de straight an' narrow path, 
an' is clippin' hit at a two-forty gate down de 
broad road of sin an' destruction. Dat you is. 
I knows becaze I has jest been dere. 

"Yessum, here I is, a mother in Israel, what 
is de president of de Daughters of Zion, an' is set 
in de amen corner at chu'ch, an' wrastled wid de 
mourners for nigh on to thuty years. Mo'over, 
I's a respectable married woman wid a houseful 
of chillen, an' temperance convictions an' odder 
drawbacks to havin' a good time, an' in de winter 
I sut'nly is straight laced. I don't drink nothin' 
stronger dan lemonade, an' when Ike takes me to 
de show, an' one of dem hussies comes out to do 
a song an' dance in a dress dat ain't nothin' but 
a ruffle around de waist, an' a skimpy ruffle at 
dat, I's dat frustrated an' shocked dat I almost 
shuts my eyes, an' I holds my fan up befo' Ike's 
face. 

"Yessum, it sho' am awful to me, an' ef any- 
body would come along about dat time an' 
prophesy dat in less dan six months dis two 
hundred and ten pounds of virtue would be 
a-wanderin' down de seashore in a frock dat 
warn't no bigger dan a postage-stamp, I sut'nly 



20 Mirandy 

would take de skillet to 'em. Dey shorely 
would 'a' wished dat dey had carried a accident 
policy ef dey had said dat thing to me, yet dat's 
exactly de kind of foolishness dat de summer 
time got me into doin' last week. 

"An* dat ain't all. When I hears some men 
dat was a-standin' on de beach say dat I is built 
on de lines of a livin' picture, instead of callin' 
for de police lak I would in de winter, I des 
parades myself by 'em one mo' time — me, dat 
is a Christian wife an' mother! 

"An' what you think I done wid my W. C. T. 
U. badge ? I put hit away, becaze I knowed dat 
I was gwine to need hit next winter when I was 
speecherfyin' to de sinners 'bout de errors of dere 
ways in lookin' on de wine when hit is red, but 
you better believe dat I didn't go about wid any 
no-drink tag on me at de seashore, an' I 'spects 
dat de rest of de temperance bregalia must have 
done de same way, becaze ef dere was any white 
ribbons flutterin' around I didn't see 'em. 

"Dat's huccom when I meets up wid Br'er Ben, 
what is de deacon in my chu'ch, what takes up 
de collection an' leads de prayer-meetin', dat I 
warn't noways scandalized when he axed me to 
have a drink. 

" c Sis' Mirandy,' says he, Ts a temperance 




'/ meets up wid Br'er Ben, what is de deacon in 
my chu'ch." 



The Good Old Summer Time 23 

man, an' de stand dat you is tooken against de 
Demon Rum is mighty nigh squashed de head of 
de monster, but bein' as how de day is hot, an' 
dat St. Paul recommended a little wine for de 
stomach's sake, I axes you to jine me in a glass 
of beer.' 

"An' I spons dat I's always heered dat beer is 
mighty fine to ward off sunstroke, an' den we 
had one, an' den anodder, an' anodder, ontil I 
sort of lost count, but Br'er Ben say hit's all 
right for prohibitionists to drink all de b.eer dey 
wants in de summer, 'specially when dey is away 
from home where dey ain't knowed. 

" 'Hit's dis way, Sis Mirandy,' says Br'er Ben, 
an' I tell you dat Br'er Ben is a mighty edifyin' 
man, 'hit's dis way. You an' me is jest po' 
weak creeters dat is in de hands of de Lawd. 
In de winter we's strong in de faith 'caze we's 
all braced up wid de cold, but ef he sees fitten to 
send de sun in de summer an' take de stif'nin' 
out of our good resolutions, hit ain't for us to 
question de wisdom of hit. Mo' over in de win- 
ter you ain't got de thirst, but in de summer time 
all de objections dat I is got to de workin's of 
Providence is dat I ain't a giraffe wid a throat a 
mile long.' 

"An' dere's anodder funny thing about de sum- 



24 Mirandy 

mer time. What is hit dat makes folks break 
out wid lies and braggin' at de same time dat 
dey does wid prickly heat? Now jest look at 
me. I's a po', humble woman what takes in 
washin' when I's at home, an' I has to scuffle all 
I knows how to keep meat in de pot an' shoes on 
de chillen, but jest let me git away from home 
in de summer an' you'd think I was rollin' in 
riches. I jest lets go all hold on de truth an' 
spreads myself, an' I has to, to keep up wid de 
big talk of de odder women. 

"Yessum, I bet dat de the'mometor was about 
ninety-nine in de shade de time dat Ananias an' 
Sapphira told dat whopper dat dey got struck 
dead for, an' hit's mighty lucky for folks dat de 
Lawd ain't takin' no such snap judgment now- 
adays on liars, 'caze ef he was to, dere'd be 
mighty few of us dat would live to git home from 
our summer vacation." 



II 

Visiting the Sick 

"V^ASSUM," said Mirandy as she sank 
A weakly into her chair, cc yassum, I reckon 
I does look a little frazzled out an' pale around 
de gills. I know dat I feels dat way, an' hit 
ain't so much dat I'se had a little tech of chills 
an' fever, wid de rheumatics an' de misery in de 
back throwed in for good measure, dat is been 
de matter wid me as hit is dat I is had too much 
friends. 

"Yassum, dat's whut pulled me down, an' lak 
to drove me into de grave. I could a stood de 
sickness widout de friends' advice, or I could a 
stood de friends' advice widout de sickness, but 
de mixtry was too much, an' a little mo' an' I'd 
a-been makin' Ike one of dese heah reconciled 
widowers dat you see all around you, an' dat's a 
thing dat I'se been fightin' aginst doin', for de 
thurty years wese been married, an' dat I is op- 
posed to doin' on principle. 

"I used to wonder whut was de good of visitin' 
25 



26 Mirandy 

friends in time of sickness, but now I knows hit. 
Hit is to reconcile you to death. 

"Fust to come was Sis' Tempy, who fetch a 
groan when she seed me, an' says : 

" 'You sho'ly do look bad, Sis Mirandy, but 
'twarn't no surprise to me to hear dat you was 
took, for I'se been a-lookin' for hit for a long 
time. De very las' time I seed you mixin' up 
wid fried isters, an' chicken salad, an' cake, an' 
ice cream, an' pickles at de chu'ch fair I 'lowed 
to myself dat you sho'ly was diggin' yo' grave 
wid yo' teeth.' 

" 'Dere ain't nothin' de matter wid my 
stomach,' 'spons I, for I'se like ev'ybody else dat 
I ever seed, sort of techy 'bout my appetite. 

" 'Well,' goes on Sis Tempy, 'you better diet 
an' des take a little limewater an' milk for a 
couple of months, becaze you never can tell how 
things is gwine to turn out, an' folks of yo' build 
goes off moughty sudden sometimes,' an' den 
Sis Tempy gathers up her knittin' an' goes home 
an' Sis Alviry drap in. 

" 'How do you feel dis mawnin', Sis Mi- 
randy?' she axes. 'I heerd dat you was sick an' 
I des thought dat I would step in an' cheer you 
up a little. How does yo' symptoms seem to 
segasuate anyway?' 



Visiting the Sick 27 

"I tells her dat I'se fust hot an' den cold, 
an' dat I'se got a powerful achin' in my 
bones. 

" 'Lawd, Lawd!' says she, c ef dat ain't de 
ve'y way dat my Aunt Araminty was took down, 
an' dem was prezactly de words she used in de- 
scribin' of her feelin's, an' hit warn't but fo' days 
befo' she was laid out, as sweet a corpse as you 
would ever wish to see, Sis Mirandy, an' a 
perfectly grand funeral dat would have been a 
comfort to anybody we give her, ef I do say hit 
as oughtn't to brag 'bout my own kin. 5 

" 'But de doctor say dey warn't nothin' much 
de matter wid me,' I 'spons wid a kind of a 
weak feelin' in my knees an' around de pit of 
my stomach. 'He says dat as how I'll be up an' 
around in a day or two.' 

" 'Dat's whut de doctors always say,' 'spons 
Sis Alviry, becaze ev'ybody feels dat hit's deir 
duty to keep up de sperrits of de sick, an' I 
wouldn't say nothin' to depress you for de world, 
but hit's jest lak Is tellin' you. Aunt Araminty 
didn't seem to be sick much nuther, an' she was 
a-callin' for fried chicken not two hours befo' 
she died, an' she was a fat woman lak you be, 
too, Sis Mirandy; an' dey do say dat when dese 
heah hefty folks gets sick dey is moughty liable 



28 Mirandy 

not to pull through, becaze dey's so much of 'em 
to be sick. 

" 'Howsomever, Sis Mirandy, as Brer Jenkins 
says, we's all got to go. We's heah to-day an' 
gone to-morrow, an' you has lived de good life, 
an' made yo' peace, an' I don't reckon dat a 
little matter of livin' twenty or thutty years mo' 
would make any difference to you, so don't let de 
thought dat maybe you won't pull through 
worry you none.' 

"An' den Sis Alviry step over to de glass 
an' perk up her bonnet string, an' say dat she 
must be goin', as deir's some mo' sick folks dat 
she's got to go an' see, an' she feels hit de duty 
of de well an' hearty to carry rays of sunshine 
into de dark chambers of affliction. An' I spons 
dat she needn't linger no longer on my account, 
an' dat I'd ruther be a sensible corpse dan to be 
fool enough to go round talkin' to sick folks 
'bout folks who died of de same disease dat dey's 
got. 

"Well, no sooner is Sis Alviry gone off in a 
hump dan Sis Becky come tiptoein' in in a way 
dat made ev'y board in de floor creak, an' after 
she had past de time of day an' promulgated a 
few questions 'bout whut ailed me she axed me 
whut doctor I is got, an' I say dat I'se got 



Visiting the Sick 29 

Doctor Jones, whut has been prodjectin' wid de 
constitution of my family for de las' ten years. 

" 'My gracious !' 'sclaims Sis Becky, a-throwin' 
up her hands, 'but hit's a lucky thing for you dat 
de Lawd put hit into my heart to come an' see 
you dis day, for I'se jest in time to save yo' life.' 

" 'Why so?' axes I. 

" 'Becaze,' says Sis Becky, 'dere's des one 
doctor dat kin cure you, an 5 dat's my doctor. I 
wouldn't let dat Doctor Jones doctor a sick cat 
onless I was reconciled to losin' de cat.' 

" 'Dere ain't none of us died yit under de 
manipulation of Doctor Jones, 5 'spons I. 

" 'Maricles can't always happen,' answered 
Sis Becky, 'nor luck hold out, an' hit's my opin- 
ion dat dis is whar hit will turn, an' dat ef you 
don't send for my doctor dat you'll be a dead 
woman by dis time to-morrow,' an' den she 
sets dere an' argifies wid me 'bout how her doctor 
is ole man know-it-all, an' my doctor is de fust 
aid to de cemetery, ontell she gets me dat flab- 
gas ted dat I don't know which way to turn. 

"An' whilst she was a-talkin' in drapped Sis 
Luellen wid a bottle in her hand, an' a box of 
pills in her reticule. 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'don't you trust yo'- 
self to none of dis heah doctor's stuff dat comes 



30 Mirandy 

out of de drug sto', for I ain't got no opinion of 
hit. Nawm, whut you needs is a good home- 
made remedy dat's concocted out of yarbs, an' 
things dat is gathered in de right time of de 
moon, an' biled down wid a little good whiskey. 

" 'My sister Hannah was a-doctorin' wid dis 
sto' physic, an' a-payin' out money to doctors 
for nigh on to twenty years, an' den she was 
cured by takin' a bottle of dis heah bitters lak 
I brung you. To be shore she had whut de 
doctors call de bugaloosa in dese days, an' dat 
we used to call de consumption, an' you is got de 
rheumatiz; but whut I say is dat a medicine dat 
is good for one thing is good for anodder, an' so 
I begs you as a friend to throw away de doc- 
tor's stuff an' take dis heah whut I brung 
you.' 

"An' I has to promise dat I'll do hit for fear 
of hurtin' Sis Luellen's feelin's, but befo' I kin 
git hit down here comes Sis Nancy wid a book as 
big as de dictionary, an' a passel of tracts to 
treat me on de Christian Science flatform. 

" c Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'dere ain't nothin' 
de matter wid you. Whut you thinks you is 
sufferin' is a error of mortal mind. 5 

" 'Sis Nancy,' spons I, 'hit's my back dat's a 
hurtin'. I could hold dat faith ef hit was yo' 



Visiting the Sick 31 

back, but bein' as how hit's my own back I'm 
obleeged to dispute de pint.' 

"An' den Sis Nancy drew her book on me an 5 
began readin' to me ontell I got dat mad I flung 
Sis Luellen's bottle of bitters at her haid, and 
Ma'y Jane come in an' say as how I'se sort of 
flighty an' dat dey better leave me alone. 

"But I warn't; but I does hold dat when a 
pusson is sick dey's got a right to enjoy bein' sick 
in deir own way, an' widout bein' persecuted by 
deir friends, an' deir friends' doctors, an' deir 
friends' remedies, an' religion. 

"Yassum, hit's a awful thing to have a spell 
of sickness wid a complication of well meanin' 
friends, an' dere's plenty dat ain't got de consti- 
tution to survive hit." 



/ 



Ill 

Revising the Ten Commandments 

44 '\\ 7 ELL, Brer Jenkins,' says I to our 
V V preacher de odder day when he smelt 
chicken fixin's an' drapped into our house to 
supper, 'Ma'y Jane has been a-readin' me in 
de paper dat dem big preacher men is gwine to 
shorten up de Ten Commandments.' 

" 'Well, Sis Mirandy,' spons Brer Jenkins, 
'jedgin' by de way dat folks keeps 'em, dey 
might cut out all of de Commandments, an' no- 
body wouldn't know de difference. 

" 'I declar' Sis Mirandy,' he goes on, 'hit's 
got to be so now dat yous got to sugar-coat re- 
ligion to git anybody to swallow hit at all, an' 
as for doctrine, you is got to dilute hit down so 
much to make hit set on de modern stummick 
ontel hit's so weak dat hit ain't got no mo' taste 
to hit dan a mush puddin'.' 

" 'Amen,' 'sclaims I, 'bless Gord for de true 
words! As for me, give me de good ole hell 
fire an' damnation religion, wid de sinners a- 

hangin' over de pit by de har of deir haids, an' 

32 



Revising the Ten Commandments 33 

de saints lettin' out hallelujah hollers wid ev'y 
breath.' 

" 'Dat's right,' says Brer Jenkins, a-fetchin' a 
groan, c dat's de kind of religion dat hets folks 
up, an', Sis Mirandy, mam, when I was young I 
used to be a master hand at handin' hit out. 

" c Yessum, ef I do say hit myself, as hadn't 
oughter,' persues Brer Jenkins, helpin' hisself 
to anodder chicken leg an' some mo' of de sweet 
potatoes, 'yessum, I was a 'zorter what made de 
fur fly, an' de way I pounded de pulpit raised 
de dust so dat hit mos' hid me from de congre- 
gation. Furdemo', in dem days de Bible was 
thought good enough for de preacher to take his 
text out of, but nowadays de chu'ch thinks dat 
you is a back number, an' begins to look around 
for a new minister, ef you don't preach right 
straight out of de newspapers. 

" 'An', mo' over and lakwise, you is got to con- 
fine yo' remarks to picturin' de joys of heaven 
for dey won't stand for bein' harried up wid no 
reference to de place whar de wurm dieth not 
an' de fire is not quenched becaze dey has done 
proved to deir own saterfaction dere ain't no 
sech a spot.' 

" 'Dat's so, 5 spons I, 'an' I tell you, Brer 
Jenkins, I certainly did sustain a pussonal loss 



34 Mirandy 

when dey took away my faith in hell. Yessir, 
I sho'ly was bereaved, for I took a heap of com- 
fort in thinking dat a lot of folks what has done 
dirt to me was headed dat way, an' was gwine to 
git what was a-comin' to 'em for thro win' aspar- 
agus on my character.' 

" Dat's right, Sis Mirandy,' says Brer Jen- 
kins; 'dey is done took away mos' of de con- 
solations of religion, an' made salvation so sure 
dat nobody ain't botherin' no mo' about makin' 
deir callin' an' election safe. Looks lak folks 
'pears to think dat dere ain't no class to bein' 
a angel, an' gwine straight to glory when dey 
die, ef ev'ybody else is got a harp an' a crown 
waitin' for 'em dat dey can't lose/ 

" 'Well,' says I, 'hit looks lak to me dat dem 
preachers, I don't care ef dey is bishops an' big 
bugs lak dat, has got deir nerve wid 'em when 
dey lays deir hands on de Ten Commandments 
an' tries to shorten 'em up.' 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' says Brer Jenkins, 'don't you 
blame de men too much, for I reckon dat about 
de'mos' unpopularest document in de world is 
dem same Ten Commandments. You see de 
trouble wid 'em is dat dey steps on too many 
toes. Dey is lak a stick of dynamite, dat a 
preacher has to handle mighty careful in de pul- 



Revising the Ten Commandments 35 

pit, for ef he draps 'em hard dey is liable to bust 
loose an' blow up de ve'y brer what puts de 
biggest wad in de contribution box. 

" c So I spects dat dem preachers thought dat 
dey had best cut dem commandments over, ac- 
cordin' to de fashion of de times, for dey sho'ly 
don't fit comfortable now on a real styly congre- 
gation.' 

" 'Brer Jenkins,' I axes, 'how you reckon dem 
folks what is tinkerin' wid de commandments is 
gwine to alter 'em 4 ?' 

" 'Cose I don't know, Sis Mirandy,' spons 
Brer Jenkins, c caze dey ain't axed my advice, 
but I spects dey'll sort of lighten up things an' 
say, "Thou shalt have no God but me, except 
money an' sassiety," an' "Thou shalt remember 
the Sabbath Day to play golf an' go to picnics," 
an' "Parents shall honor deir chillen and obey 
'em," an' "Thou shalt not kill unless thou hast 
got enough money to hire doctors dat will prove 
you is crazy," an' "Thou shalt not steal onless 
you takes a million." Furdermo', Sis Mirandy, 
I guess dey'll sort of soften up dem command- 
ments about sidesteppin' so as not to hurt de 
feelin's of dem what has swapped husbands and 
wives wid deir neighbors an' is just got back 
from Reno. 



36 Mirandy 

" 'Yes, Sis Mirandy/ goes on Brer Jenkins, 
'what de Ten Commandments needs to make 
'em popular is to make 'em lighter as well as 
shorter. A lot mo' people would keep 'em ef 
dey didn't interfere so much wid what dey is 
doing.' 

" 'Maybe so,' I spons, 'but I don't hold w r id 
none of dese heah new fangled, short cut, ball- 
bearing faiths, dat are guaranteed to save you, 
whether or no. De ole time religion is good 
enough for me, an' I'se pinnin' my faith to dat, 
an' to stumblin' along, keepin' de tightest grip 
I can to de Ten Commandments de length de 
Lord handed 'em down.' " 



IV 

The Troubles of Women 

U \TAWM, dere ain't no luck in bein' bawn a 

X^l woman, no way. You is marked for 
trouble from de ve'y minnit dat de doctor says to 
yo' ma, 'Hit's a fine gal, Ma'am,' an' you is dest 
as sho' to git all dat's comin' to you as de sparks 
is to fly upwards. 

"Dere ain't nothin', from gwine upstairs totin' 
a baby in one hand, an' a lamp in de odder, an' 
holdin' up yo' frock wid yo' teeth, down to tryin' 
to vote, an' gittin' flung out of de pollin' place 
becaze you belongs to de angel sect, dat hit ain't 
harder to do becaze you is a woman. 

"Now sposin' a man wants to git married. 
All he got to do is to up an' pick out de lackliest 
lookin' gal in de neighborhood, an' hit don't 
make no difference how little, an' runty, an' 
bandy legged he is, he can git her, an' ev'ybody 
say, 'whut a lucky gal Samanthy is dat she done 
catch a husban' at las' !' 

"But when we women wants to git married, all 

37 



38 Mirandy 

dat we kin do is to set aroun' on de anxious seat 
an' do de best we can to tole in some man unbe- 
knownst to hisself, an' widout rousin' de sus- 
picions of de neighbors. Lawd, hit makes me 
tired to dis day to think of de wuk, an' de trou- 
ble I took to kotch Ike — dat's my old man — an' 
ef I knowed de ins an' de outs of matermony den 
lak I does now, an' how many stove lifters, an' 
rollin' pins I'd have had to a busted makin' mar- 
ried life one gran' sweet song, as de hymn book 
says — for I'se all for peace, ef I has to fight for 
hit — why, I specs dat I would have been a ole 
maid. 

"But a woman don't dodge trouble by bein' a 
ole maid, becaze ef she stays single, an' starts out 
to make a livin' lak a man does, lo an' behold, 
all de men raises de cry dat she's done got out of 
her sacred spear. Now de odder night I was at 
de pra'r meeting, an' Brer Jinkins suttinly had 
promulgated a most edifyin' discourse, an' had 
des hung de sinners over de pit by de har of dere 
haids ontel you could fa'ly smell 'em friz- 
zlin'. 

"Hit sholy was a refreshin' meetin', an' when 
things kin' of het up I felt a call to 'zort de sin- 
ners, but no sooner is I riz up in my seat dan 
Brer Jinkins called out : 



The Troubles of Women 39 

" 'Sis Mirandy, set down ! De women must 
keep silence in de chuch. Dey's de weaker ves- 
sel.' 

" 'Don't you come no weaker vessel on me,' 
I spons, for my dander was up. 'Whar would 
de chuches be ef dere warn't no women in dem? 
Who would pay de preacher? Whar did you git 
dat fine coat on yo' back. Brer Jinkins? Don't 
seem lak I heah nobody complainin' 'bout women 
talkin' in de chuch when dey talks 'bout passin' 
'round de hat. I'se been listenin' mighty close, 
wid my year to de groun', but when de money 
dat de Daughters of Zion raises talks nobody 
don't say, "Heish" to hit. Least of all de 
preachers.' 

" 'Set down, woman,' says Brer Jinkins, 'a 
woman whut speechifies in public am a scandal 
an' a disgrace, an' out of her place,' an' bein' as 
I had said my say, I set down. 

" Yas, Lawd, hit sholy is funny 'bout woman's 
sacred spear. As near as I kin figger hit out, you 
is in hit as long as you raises de money, but when 
you wants to have a hand in de spendin' of hit 
you dest busts right out of your spear den an' 
dar. I mind one day when I was comin' home 
from de laddies whut I washes for, wid a bundle 
of clothes 'bout de size of a trunk, dat I meets 



40 Mirandy 

up wid Ike, an' we stops an' passes de time of 
day. 

"To' de Lawd, Mirandy,' said he, 'but you 
is a fine, stroppin' woman to tote a load lak dat.' 

"Wid dat he perambulated on his way widout 
stoppin' to lend me a hand in gittin' de clothes 
home. Bimeby he come along agin when I was 
fetchin' de water to wash wid, but he didn't say 
nothin' 'bout packin' in a few buckets to help me, 
but dat evenin' after I done took de < lothes home 
an' got de money for de wash, I meets him agin, 
an' he says : 

" 'Mirandy, you look kinder tired an' tuckered 
out. You better let me tote yo' pocketbook for 
you.' 

"But I spons dat if I'se got de strength to do 
de work, I sho can brace up enough to pack de 
money hit brings in, an' den Ike looks mighty 
sorrowful an' says as how he's afeared I'se a-git- 
tin' out of my spear, an' dat he s'pects de next 
thing I will want is to vote. An' I answers dat I 
does, an' dat if dere is anything in votin' for men, 
dat women needs it worst dan dey does, an' den 
he fetches a groan an' says dat de country shorely 
will go to de dogs whenever women gits out of 
dere sacred spear. 

"Den I up an' asks him what is women's sacred 




"Mirandy, you better let me tote yo } pocketbook 

/>) 
or you. 



The Troubles of Women 43 

spear, an' he don't know no more dan a rabbit. 
But I does. I done took notice dat women's 
sacred spear is doin' de jobs dat ain't got no pay 
to 'em, an' dat no man ain't hankerin' after. 'S 
long's a woman stays at home an' patches her 
husband's britches, an' nusses de babies, an' does 
de cookin' an' de scrubbin', an' takes in a little 
washin' on de side to help out wid de rent money 
an' keep de pot boilin', ev'ry man thinks she is 
des where she ought to be, 'caze he ain't a-honin' 
after dem jobs. But when she gits where she 
gits real money, an' somethin' easy to do, den a 
howl goes up dat she's done jumped over de bars, 
an' got out of her sacred spear, an' dat's along 
of de trouble of bein' a woman. 

"Co'se most of de trouble dat married women 
has is becaze after you gits married you has got 
to keep yo' weather-eye peeled to keep yo' hus- 
band from segasuatin' off wid odder women, but 
I settled dat question right off of de bat. When 
me an Ike got spliced he suttinly was a pussonable 
man, wid a figger dat was as slim an' straight as 
a telefoam-post, an' I ain't a-blamin' de gals for 
cuttin' dere eyes at him. 

"Now, how you rec'on I stopped all of dat 
foolishness? You rec'on I des set down to weep 
an' lament 'bout him runnin' aroun' nights? 



44 Mirandy 

Naw'm. I des knocked dat fine figger of his into 
de middle of next week, an' turned hit into what 
looked lak a beer-barrel on skids. Yessum, I 
shorely did take temptation out of dat nigger's 
way. I stuffed him so full he couldn't move. 
After a man has been up ag'inst a chicken-dinner 
wid fixin's, he ain't got no call to hunt up fun 
dat is outside de home limits. All he wants to 
do is to shuffle over to a chair in de chimney-cor- 
ner an' smoke his pipe. Naw'm, dere ain't no 
way of keepin' a man at home of a evenin' lak 
fillin' him so full dat he can't move. Besides, 
dere ain't nothin' dat stops flirtatiousness lak fat. 
You don't see no woman lookin'. back over her 
shoulder at a gentleman wid a bay window. 

"Den I is never been sparin' of usin' soft soap 
wid Ike. A man's got to have hit, an' if his wife 
don't hand hit to him wid a shovel, some odder 
woman will wid a spoon: Dat's de way I looks 
at hit, an' as long as I wants Ike to bring me home 
his pay envelope of a Saturday night I'se got to 
run de axle grease factory. When Ma'y Jane 
Jones tells Ike dat he sho' has got a proud walk, 
I spons dat he suttinly does perambulate lak a 
prince. When Elviry Smith fetches him a com- 
pliment 'bout lookin' lak a dude, I low dat hit's 
de figger of de man, an' dat he could make any 



The Troubles of Women 45 

kin' of hand me downs look lak dey just walked 
out of de tailor shop. 

"Co'se, some folks holds dat hit's de women's 
place to keep dere husbands fascinated by bein' 
beautiful, dough ugly, an' dat de way to do dat 
is to keep demselves lookin' lak a livin' skeleton, 
an' I reckon dat at de present time dere ain' no 
odder trouble dat women has got dat is equal 
to de affliction of gittin' rid of deir fat. As for 
me, I don't hold wid none of dat foolishness, caze 
I done took notice dat, in de fust place, men ain't 
sot on scrawny women. 

"Dey's dest natcherally drawed to a woman 
whut looks lak she knows how to put a heavy han' 
on de seasonin' in cookin', an' dat is too hefty 
to move 'roun spry enough to keep up wid 'em. 
Ef you will notice you will see dat most of de 
ole maids belongs to de raizor back class. Dere 
ain't nothin' 'bout one of dese heah po', stringy, 
starved lookin' women dat makes a man think 
'bout de comforts of home. As for me, I ain't 
botherin' myself 'bout gittin' fat, an' I ain't a 
pinchin' on whut I eats, caze ef I'se got to choose 
betwixt po'k chops, an' Ike, I'se gwine to take de 
po'k chops. Dere's mo' substance to 'em dan 
dere is to de love dat can't stand anodder inch in 
yo' waist measure. 



46 Mirandy 

"An' den dere's de trouble dat women has 'bout 
gittin' advised. Dere ain't nothin' in dis world 
dat a woman can do, or leave undone, dat dere 
ain't somebodjr handin' out advice 'bout hit to 
her. Most of de sermons in de chuches is ad- 
dressed to de sisteren instid of de brethren, dough 
Gawd knows de brethren needs 'em worse, an' 
whenever a man has got a spare minnit, he ups 
an' tells women whut a awful crime dey's com- 
mittin' by dis heah raced susancide. 

"Dat's sholy does rile me, for ef dere is one 
place whar a man should sing small, an' talk low, 
hit's in de neighborhood of de cradle. I'se a 
reasonable woman, an' I'se willing to listen to 
dem whut's been through de mill, an' to take dere 
advice, an' ef you'll fetch along a man whut has 
had a baby — or maybe twinses — I'll set at his 
feet an' listen to de words of wisdom dat draps 
from his lips, des as humble as de next one. 

"But when men whut ain't never had no pus- 
sonal experience in de baby line, an' dat ain't 
never had to git up of a cold night an' walk de 
colic, an' dat thinks dat you washes a baby lak 
you does a setter pup, comes along an' tells 
women 'bout how dey ought to populate de earth, 
an' increase de number of dem whut finds hit hard 
enough to make a livin' as hit is, hit sholy do 



The Troubles of Women 47 

make me tired. Becaze hit does look to me dat 
ef dere is one subject dat women has a right to 
an opinion on, hit is de baby question. Let dem 
dat has 'em, number 'em. 

"An' look at de difference in de way dat hit is 
when a man's sick, an' a woman's sick. When 
Ike comes home an' finds me gwine 'round de 
house wid my jaw tied up for de neuralgy, or my 
arm in a sling for de rheumatics, he takes a 
mighty ca'm view of hit, an' tells me to buck up 
an' bear hit, an' dat de best way to git rid of sick- 
ness, is to wuk hit off, but my Ian', when he's sick, 
de tale am different. I never knows how much 
sufferin' dere is in dis world, nor how big a fuss 
anybody can make 'bout hit, ontel Ike gits under 
de weather, so de odder day when he come home 
lookin' kin' of peekd an' trimbly, an' wid de shiv- 
ers playin' up an' down his backbone, I knows dat 
my wuk was cut out for me. 

"As soon's he got in de door he flung hisself 
down in de chair, an' grabbed his head in his 
hands, an' let out one of dose day-of- judgment 
groans. 'Mirandy,' says he, C I ain't long for dis 
world. I'se done got my death-warrant.' 

' £ Huh !' spons I. 'You ain't got nothin' but 
a bad cold. I'll make you some hot pepper tea, 
an' you'll be all right in de mornin'.' 



48 Mirandy 

"But wid dat he let out anodder groan. 
'Heish, woman, 7 he says. 'Hit's all right for 
you to dose yo'self an' de chillern on yarb teas, 
but I don't want you projeckin' wid me, 'caze my 
life is vallyable.' 

"Well, after I'd got him in bed, fust he was 
too hot, an' den he was too cold, an' den he 
thought de kiver was too light, an 5 den hit was 
too heavy, an' I kep' a swappin' things till you'd 
'a' thought hit was a tradin' match betwixt de 
blankets an' de quilts, an' fust an' last I bet I'se 
made a acre of mustard plasters an' heated four 
million gallons of water for foot-baths. Den I 
axed him if dere was anything else I could do 
for him, an' he spons no, dere is mighty little to 
do for a dying man, but he knowed after he was 
gone hit would be a comfort to me dat I'd done 
what I could, so maybe I'd better cook him some 
fried chicken an' pork-chops an' a mess of greens, 
for he thought he would try to eat a little to keep 
up his strength. 

"An' all de time Ike was a-moanin' an' groanin' 
an' prognosticatin' dat he was gwine to die, an' 
den he called me to him an' took my hand, an' 
said dat he's afraid dat he ain't been as good a 
husband to me as he mout 'a' been, dat he's given 
me a lot of back talk dat he's sorry for now, an' 




<( An } den he ax me to forgive him. 9 



The Troubles of Women 51 

dat he'd feel a heap more easier in his mind, now 
dat he's done wid dis world, if he'd paid de rent 
instid of buyin' Ma'y Jane Jones a bonnet an 5 a 
segasuatin' round wid her, an' den he ax me to 
forgive him, an' I spons dat I will — if he dies, 
but dat if he don't we'll see 'bout dat. 

"Co'se dere's lots of agrivations an' troubles 
in bein' a woman, but I ain't one of dem women 
what is always tearin' out dere har becaze dey 
ain't men. Dat I ain't. Petticoats may not be 
as handy an' convenient for gittin' 'bout him in 
.as britches, but, my land, dey's a lot mo' pro- 
tection. 

"Dere ain't nothin' dat woman does, or 
don't do, dat ain't excused along of her bein' 
a woman. . Des her sect is sort of a standin' 
apology for her failures, an' a ruffled petti- 
coat wid lace on de aidges is worth more dan 
an alibi in a murder trial. Dere ain't no use 
tryin' to convict a good-lookin' woman what's 
done killed somebody, becaze nobody believes dat 
she did hit in de fust place, an' in de second place 
dey is convinced dat de person ought to've been 
killed anyhow, an' in de last place dey think dat 
a woman ought not to be punished noway, no 
matter what she does. 

"An' den when you wants to give anybody 



52 Mirandy 

back talk, hit shorely does give you de whiphand 
to be a woman, lessen you wants to sass yo' hus- 
band. If hit is some odder man dat is obliged 
to remember dat a gentleman can't lift his hand 
ag'inst a lady dat ain't his own wife, you's got 
him on de run. When dere's any occasion in our 
house to tell de butcher an' de gas-man dat dey 
is thieves an' liars an' assassins, I'se de one dat 
always does hit, becaze if Ike was to specify 
himself dat way to 'em we'd be mighty liable to 
need to call in de ambulance. I certainly is argi- 
fyed wid men dat had-de expression of 'damn' 
all over 'em, yet all dey did was to grit dere teeth, 
an' smirk, an' smile at me. 

"Yessum, hit's a great thing to be a woman. 
Hit's 'bout de best excuse, goin' an' comin', dat 
anybody has ever invented yet, an' as for me, 
when I want protection I'd rather shelter myself 
behind a real styly well-hung silk frock dan be- 
hind a pile of four-inch steel armor. Dat's 
where we git good an' even for all de trouble of 
bein' a woman. You hear me*? Yessum." 



V 

Women's Clubs 

44 1 AS' night," remarked Mirandy, "Brer 
Jenkins sho'lv did give us a soul-sarchin' 



L 



b 



sermon ^n de subject of women's clubs, whut he 
'lowed was at de bottom of ill de wickedness in 
de world. 

"He say as how hit was women's clubs dat 
drove men to drink, an' Brer Ishom, whut ain't 
nothin' but a beer keg, holler out c Amen !' An' 
dat hit was women's clubs dat sont husbands off 
to de crap games, an' Brer Sim, whut draps his 
pay envelope at de corner grocery befo' he kin 
git home of a Saturday night, fetch a groan an' 
say, 'Bless Gord fer de true word.' An' dat hit^ 
was women's clubs dat was responsible for all 
de divorches, an' Brer Reuben, whut keeps Sis 
Sally's eyes blacked up all de time along of 
beatin' her when things don't suit him, spons, 
'Yes, Lawd!' An' dat women's clubs is de cause 
of all de po', little neglected chillen, and Brer 
Silas, whose wife is sickly an' got fo'teen dozen 

53 



54 Mirandy 

chillens an' twins to boot, called out, 'Praise de 
Lamb, dat's so !' 

"Howsomever, Ike kept moughty still, which 
may have been becaze my eye was upon him, an' 
agin, mought have been becaze he had con- 
victions odderwise; but I took notice dat he 
didn't raise his voice in bearin' witness, even 
when Brer Jenkins wind up by sayin' dat a 
woman's place was in de home, an' dat when she 
went out of hit she knocked de props out from 
under religion an' society, dough dat sentiment, I 
is took notice,. is jest as shore of a round of ap- 
plause from men as hit is for de clown to kick 
somebody acrost de ring at de circus. 

"After de sermon Brer Jenkins come along an' 
shake hands an' past de time of day wid me an' 
Sis Marthy, an' we bof sho'ly did give him a 
warm welcome. 

" 'Brer Jenkins,' says I, c dat suttinly was a 
grand sermon, an', as far as dis ole woman is 
concerned, hit is gwine to bear fruit right away.'* 

" Tm pleased to hear dat, Sis Mirandy/ 
spons Brer Jenkins, c an' to know dat I sowed de 
seed on de fertile ground.' 

" 'Dat's right,' says I. c Ef you'll des drap 
around at de chu'ch to-morrow arternoon 'bout 







.^3 



*} 
« 

8 

^ 



v<- v 



Women's Clubs 57 

three o'clock you kin gladden yo' eyes by seein' 
me an' all de balance of de Daughters of Zion 
a-settin' under de shade of de turnip tree dat has 
growed up in a single night from de seeds you 
drapped.' 

" 'How's dat, Sis Mirandy?' axes Brer Jen- 
kins, wid a sort of a trimble in his voice. 

" 'Well,' 'spon's I, I'm gwine to disband de 
Daughters of Zion, becaze, if women's clubs is 
de occasion of all dem backslidin's on de part of 
men dat you say dat dey is, an' is a-strewin' de 
Ian' wid busted homes, an' chillen dat ain't got 
no buttons on deir clothes, I ain't gwine to have 
no part nor lot in 'em. Nawsir, I ain't a-gwine 
to countenance, let 'lone run, no aggregation of 
female snakes dat's drivin' noble an' innercent 
men to drink an' gamble to forgit deir sorrer, 
an' a-raisin' up chillen for de chain gang, an' 
darfore de sooner dat de Daughters of Zion is 
put out of business de better.' 

" 'But, Sis Mirandy,' says Brer Jenkins, 'de 
Daughters of Zion is a religious organization.' 

" 'I can't help hit, Brer Jenkins, hit's a 
woman's club all de same, an' hit takes a woman 
away from home des as long to attend de sewin' 
society an' git up a chu'ch fair as hit does to go 
to de literary society an' hear a woman wid a 



58 Mirandy 

knobby forehead an' a dress dat hikes up in de 
front prognosticate 'bout BrowninV 

" 'But, Sis Mirandy,' argifys Brer Jenkins, 
c whar would we git de money to pay de 
preacher's salary ef hit warn't for de Daughters 
of Zion?' 

" 'Hit's tainted money, Brer Jenkins/ 'spon's 
I, c an 5 you are better off widout hit. 5 

" c An' de elders always looks to de Daughters 
of Zion to pay off de chu'ch debt at de eend of de 
year, an' buy de new cyarpet, an' put in fancy 
glass windows lak dem yainglorious Presbyter- 
ians has around de corner.' 

" 'Let 'em look no mo'/ spons I, 'for de 
Daughters of Zion is pious women, an 5 ef we's 
been a-committin' onbeknownst all dem sins dat 
you promulgates we is, \ den we'se gwine to quit 
right here an' no w^ for dere ain't none of us made 
our callin' an' election dat sho' dat we feels lak , 
we kin take any resk on hit v by belongin' to ope 
of dem wicked women's clubs. 5 

"But Brer Jenkins didn't have no notion of 
havin' de mainstay of de contribution box tucken 
away from him, t an' he explained dat we^ had 
misonderstood him, an 5 dat hit was all right for 
women to belong to clubsj to raise money for 
men to spend, .but dat de wrong come in when 



Women's Clubs 59 

women banded deirselves togedder in societies 
for deir own furj an' improvement, 

"Which looked to me lak a moughty jubous 
proposition, an 5 a-whippin' de devil aroun' de 
stump. 

" 'In dis view,' goes on Brer Jenkins, 'I has de 
endorsement of all de men dat is husbands.' 

" 'Dat you don't,' 'spon's Brer Thomas, 'for ef 
dere ever was a mussiful dispensation of Provi- 
dence for de savin' of de life and de peace of po', 
downtrodden man^it is de woman's club, t an' ef 
I knowed who founded de fust one I'd travel a 
thousand miles#to place a bouquet on her grave.' 

" 'Why so?' inquires Brer Jenkins. 

" 'Becaze,' 'spon's Brer Thomas,/ 'de way a 
woman is built, she ain't happy, onless she is re- 
formin' somethin'. Hit's a constitutional afflic- 
tion wid her # an' she can't help hit. In de days 
befo' dere was any women's clubs* she used to 
wuk.of^ her reforms on her husband. Now she 
takes hit out on reformin' de public. De club is 
a kind of safety valve #whar she blows off her 
steam, an' nobody ain't hurt nor interfered wid. 

" 'Now, I ain't whut you'd call a drinkin' man, 
but I feels hit f best to do lak St. Paul.an' take a 
little for de stomach's sake, whilst my Mariar is 
full of temperance views dat I would have to 



60 Mirandy 

stand ^for ef hit warn't dat r I kin take de op- 
portunity whilst she is off at de Prohibition Club 
a-passin' redhot resolutions <?aginst de christenin' 
of a ship wid wine,, to step around to de corner 
grocery i and git all de load I kin tote home. 
Nuther is I flirtatious, but many's de pleasant 
evenin' I passes wid a good-lookin' gait I knows 
whilst Mariar is a-memoralizin' Congress to sup- 
press polygamy amongst de Sulusc Furdermo', 
havin' somethin' to think of besides me / an' my 
shortcoming, Mariar don't feel called on to haul, 
me up to de bar of justice as often as she sho'ly/ 
would ef ? I was de only thing dat she had to re- 
form. Nor does she hold down on de latchkey 
when she wants one herself. 

" 'Maybe I ain't got de right spirit, but, pus- 
sonally speakin', I'd ruther be married to a 
woman who was reformin' things outside of de 
house dan in hit. Let de President an' de Legis- 
lature an' Congress stand for de pra'rs, an' de N pe- 
titions, an' de protests. Dey is paid for hit. I 
ain't, an' dat's de reason dat I always encourages 
Mariar to iine all de hen clubs, dat she wants 
to.' 

" 'Amen!' says Ike." 



VI 

Why Men Don t Marry 

" T HEARS aheap of talk," observed Mirandy, 
A "bout de reason dat bachelors don't marry 
dese days, an' it sho'ly does look lak dat men 
is got so skittish dat dey shies off from de altar 
wuss'n a country horse at one of dese here mobile 
wagons. 

"It cert'ly does take a woman whut's up an' 
doin' to ketch a husband now, an' when a gal 
does get her halter aroun' a man's neck she struts 
about wid a proud air, an' a discontemptuous 
look, lak she was a leadin' de circus elephant to 
water. 

"Yessum, I'se done seed a spry an' lakely 
lookin' young woman whut's done got tied up 
wid a poor, runty, measly, little bandy leg hus- 
band, an' she looked dat proud dat you'd a 
thought dat she done drawed a glory ticket, 'stid 
of gitting a life job at takin' in w T ashin' to keep 
meat in de pot for two, 'stead of one, an' gittin' 

up in de night to open de do' for a man whut's 

61 



62 Mirandy 

done been an' drapped his week's wages in a 
craps game. 

"Yessum, it sho' is gittin' mighty hard to tole 
a man into matermony. Even de widowers is 
sorter hangin' on to dair freedom when dey gets 
foot loose, an' ev'ybody knows hit's lots easier to 
ketch a widower dan it is a bachelor, kase a 
widower has sorter had his spirit broken, an' is 
bridle wise, an' some says dere's one reason for 
dis, an' some says there's anudder. 

"Some folk argufy dat de reason dat men don't 
marry is becaze de girls ain't familious enuf 
wid de cook stove, an' dey think more about 
prancin' aroun' in good clothes dan dey does 
'bout how to sling de pots an' de pans. But, 
my land! dat ain't no reason at all. Dyspepsy 
ain' never skered no man off from gittin' married 
yet. If a man is in love wid a gal he thinks 
dat he ain't never gwine to be hungry no mo', an' 
he ain't prognosticatin' whut sort of a hand she's 
got wid a po'k chop. He's thinkin' dat hes 
gwine to hold her lily white hand in his de bal- 
ance of his life. 

"Odder folks says dat de reason bachelors 
don't marry is because dey is selfish, an' wants 
to spend der money on demselves. Huh ! I 
done traveled a long ways through dis vale of 



Why Men Don't Marry 63 

sorrers, an' I done took notice dat, fust or last, 
some woman gits a man's money. Dat's de way 
de good Lawd fixed it. Man was made to wuk 
for woman, an' I ain't never seen any yet dat 
dodged hit. If it ain't one woman dat gits his 
pay envelope on Saturday night, it's anudder, an' 
I 'low hit's a lot cheaper to buy callico dresses for 
a wife dan hit is to pay for silk frocks and jay 
bird heel shoes for a sweetheart. Yassum, a 
wife sho' is a economy to a man. 

"Nawm, dem aint de reasons dat men don't 
marry. De reasons is wid de gals. De gals 
is too willin'. Dey runs after de man, an' a 
woman is lak a hen. She aint built for runnin', 
an' she can't ketch a husband by persooin' him. 
He always outruns her. 

"Gals used to play kinder offish, an' act lak 
a man would have to beg an' persuade 'em on 
his knees befo' dey would condescend to marry 
him, an' de Pas an' de Mas would hang aroun' 
lak day was tryin' to keep him from stealin' deir 
treasure from 'em, an' hit made a man feel lak 
he had to do somethin' an' do it quick, if he 
didn't want to let de prize get away from him. 
So he up and popped de question, an' was married 
befo' you could say 'scat.' 

"But now de gals is on de anxious seat, an' 



64 Mirandy 

dey don't make no bones of who knows it. Dey 
hangs aroun' whar a man wuks, an 5 calls him up 
by de telefoam if he fergits to come to see 'em, 
an' becaze he thinks he can marry a gal any old 
day he keeps puttin' hit off an' puttin' hit off, 
an' he don't marry her at all. 

"An' right dar, when she make herself too 
easy to get, is whar a gal draps her rabbit foot. 
De way to conjure a man is by making yourself 
sca'ce, not by lettin' him git too much of you. 
A man has got to have somethin' to make him 
jump into matermony lak when the auctioneer 
says, 'Going, going, gone !' 

"Now, when I fust sot my eyes on Ike — an' 
he cert'n'ly was a pussonable man in dem days- — 
dere wuz a lot of women settin' roun' him so 
flabbergasted dat dey'd ketch deir breath ev'y 
time dat he look at 'em, an' Ike he des fling 'em 
a word now an' den, lak you would fling a bone 
to a dog, an' den dey would go home an' scuffle 
aroun' to see which one could make him de 
biggest cake, an' de finest pie, an' Ike he ain't a 
layin' awake at night a projeckin' in his mind 
which one of dem womens dat he gwine to wuk 
and suppo't de balance of his life. Kaze he 
knows all of 'em is des waitin' to be axed. 

"But you better believe I didn't jine dat hal- 



Why Men Don't Marry 65 

lelujah chorus dat was saying, 'Amen' ev'y time 
he open his mouth. Nawm, I done cut my wis- 
dom teeth, an' knows better dan dat. I des pass 
him by wid a discomtemptous look, an' dat night 
I went over and borrowed Marse John Jones' 
bulldog, an' de fus' time dat Ike come to see me 
I got Pap to sic de bulldog on him. 

"Yassum, comin' a-courtin' me sho was a 
risky job, kaze dat was a bad bulldog, an' befo' 
I promised Ike to sashay up de church aisle wid 
him he done lost de seat of fo' pair o' breches an' 
had his coat tails chawed into fringe, an' de more 
I holt out, an' had to be persuaded to marry him, 
an' de oftener de dog chased him over de fence, 
de mo' Ike was determined to come, an' de wus 
he wanted to marry me. 

"Yassum, I sho' is got a kind feelin' for bull- 
dogs. 

"An' to dis day I ain't never let Ike find out 
dat I thinks dat he's a mighty lakely lookin' man, 
an' dat when he's aroun' dat ol' man Solomon 
aint far off. Kaze it's lak dis: If you wants 
to tell a man whut you think he won't listen to 
you. But if you go off by yourself he'll break 
his neck to find out if you'se thinkin' 'bout him. 
I ain't never seen no woman catch a man yet by 
runnin' after him but if she will turn aroun' an' 



66 Mirandy 

run away from him, he'll break his neck to over- 
take her. 

"You hear me?" 



VII 

Different Tongues 
r> \E odder night Ma'y Jane whut is got de 



D 



higher eddication, an' takes mo' interest 
in whut folks is doin' in furrin 3 parts dan whut 
dey's doin' right next do' to her, was a readin' 
to me an' her paw a piece in de paper whut tells 
'bout some people down in Africky, whar de 
husband speaks one langwidge, an' de wife 
speaks anodder langwidge. 

" 'Whut a strange place, an' whut a remark- 
able race/ says Ma'y Jane, a gazin' pensive lak 
at de ceiling, c oh, how I should like to travel, 
an' go an' see dem curis customs.' 

' 'Humph,' sclaims I wid a meanin' glance at 
Ike, 'I don't know dat you'se got to pay out yo' 
money travellin' hither an' van to see a man dat 
talks wid one tongue to his w T ife, an' anodder 
tongue to odder ladies, specially ef his wife is fat, 
and dem ladies is young, and slim, an' is got 
straight front figgers. 

' c Naw, daughter,' I goes on, warmin' up to de 
67 



68 Mirandy 

subject, 'you don't have to leave yo' own coun- 
try, nor yo' own state, nor yo' own town, nor 
yo' own street, nor yo' own house to find men 
whut don't understand whut deir wives says to 
'em — leastways ef dey do understand, dey don't 
act on hit. Yas, daughter,' says I, 'you take 
my word for hit dat whedder you travels far or 
near, de most curis nation of people dat you is 
ever gwine to set yo' eyeballs on is husbands, an' 
hit's my opinion dat ef most of 'em was whar 
dey belong dey would be out in de Zoo wid de 
odder wild animals dat can't be tamed, nor 
domesticated, instid of roamin' around amongst 
po', helpless, weak women seeking whom dey 
may devour, lak one of dese heah ravellin' lions 
whut de Good Book tells 'bout.' 

" 'De trouble wid most of de men dat I meets 
up wid,' says Ma'y Jane, 'is dat dey ain't lions, 
but sheep dat take to deir heels an' runs when 
dey sees a skirt bearin' down deir way. Oh,' 
she goes on wid a wishful look in her eyes, 'but 
I sho'ly would lak to be chased down by one 
bold, woman-eating man!' 

" 'Daughter,' 'spons I, 'you take hit from me 
dat men is got mighty curis peculiarities, an' de 
curisiest of 'em is dat no matter how tame dey is 
before marriage, dey is wild enough afterwards.' 



Different Tongues 69 

" 'Well,' says Ma'y Jane, C I reckon dat's so, 
an' dat de reason dat so many husbands sets up 
lak images at home, wid no more talk in 'em dan 
a stuffed bear, is becaze dey don't speak de same 
langwidge dat deir wives does, an' dey ain't got 
no way of swappin' ideas.' 

" 'Huh,' snorts Ike, 'when a man don't shoot 
off his mouth at home hit's becaze he's tryin' to 
keep out of a fight, an' to pour oil on de trouble' 
waters lak dish heah Mr. Carnegie. But 
whut's dat you say, daughter, 'bout de paper 
tellin' about a place whar de wives an' de hus- 
bands don't speak de same tongue? 

" 'You take it from me dat dat ain't so, an' 
dat dere ain't no sich a place dis side of heaven, 
becaze ef dere was, de railroads would be runnin' 
'scursions to hit, an' ev'y married man would 
light out for hit as soon as he could scrape to- 
gedder de price of a ticket — an' dey would all 
be one way tickets, too. Dere wouldn't be no 
return coupons. 

" 'Yassum, ef dere's any sich a land a flowin' 
wid milk and honey, an' peace and quiet, lead 
me to it ! And leave me dere ! 

" c Des think of how soul saterfyin' hit would 
be to a man when he picked up his hat of a 
evenin', right after supper, an' started for de 



70 Mirandy 

crap game at de corner saloon, to be able to wave 
his hand at his wife an' say: 

cc ' "I hears you makin' a kind of jabberin' 
noise, but I don't know whut it means. Maybe 
you are wishin' me luck, an' spressifyin' your 
hope dat I'll pass a pleasant evenin' wid a bunch 
of congenial friends aroun' a beer table. 

" c "Or maybe you is givin' me yo' opinion of 
a man whut spends his time away from home, an' 
throws away his money gamblin' when his 
chillun needs shoes, an' whut come home at two 
o'clock in de mawnin' dat tanked up wid red eye 
dat he can't find de keyhole. Lakely you is 
sayin' one, or de odder, 4 of dese tings, but as I 
don't onderstand yo' langwidge hit don't make 
no difference to me, an' I'll jest sashay along, an' 
you can't stop me, becaze I ain't on to your 
lingo." 

" 'Yassum, an' jest t'ink whut a savin' hit is 
to a man's pocket not to be able to make out whut 
she's after when his wife's holdin' him up for 
his pay envelope. Maybe in dat land of de 
blessed, a man's wife axes him for a new dress, 
an' a new hat, an' de money to buy de chillun 
flower bunnets and forty leben odder things, an' 
all dat he has to do is jest to shake his head, in- 




"But I don't know whut it means" 



Different Tongues 73 

stid of gwine down into his jeens and pullin' up 
de cash. 

" ' "My dear turtle dove," he says, "I sees you 
a givin' me de high sign, an' de grip, but I don't 
know yo' pass word, or whut you want. How- 
somever, seein' dat you has got de luck to be 
married to me, I takes hit dat you is sayin' dat 
you can make over your ole dress, and fix over 
your last winter's hat so dat de sisters in de 
church won't know it, an' for me to take what- 
ever spare cash I has got on hand an' go an' buy 
me a red weskit, an' a fur-lined overcoat." 

" 'And jest think how restful matermony must 
be in dat country where dere ain't no use in a 
wife bottlin' up her thoughts about her husband 
to tell him at night, becaze he don't understand 
one word she says. Co'se women is women, 
whereever dey is, an' life wouldn't be worth livin' 
to 'em onless dey could tell dere husbands how 
dey got fooled when dey got married, an' how 
much better off dey wuz when dey lived wid 
deir Mas and Pas, an' how dey could have mar- 
ried some man about seven feet high an' dat 
made a million dollars a day, instid of de po', 
weak, runty shrimp dat don't draw down but 
twelve dollars a week, dat dey did tie up wid. 



74 Mirandy 

" 'Yassum, no doubt ev'y woman in de world 
says dat, no matter whut langwidge she speaks ; 
caze dat's de common langwidge of all wives, but 
hit sutinly would be soothin' to a man's vanity 
ef he warn't on to de meanin' of de words she 
said hit in. 

" 'Yassum, hit sholy would make for domestic 
peace for a man not to be able to make out jest 
whut his wife's unbiased opinion of him was, 
an' whilst she was a prognosticatin' about his 
faults and his weaknesses for him to be able to 
say, as he dropped off to sleep : 

" ' "Sing on, sweet bird, I hears you a 
wabblin' somethin', but wedder you is throwin' 
boquets at me or jabbin' pitchforks into me, I 
don't know, so keep on if hit amuses you, for 
hit don't hurt me." 

" 'Yassum,' says Ike a heavin' a sigh, c dat land 
where de husbands speak one langwidge an' de 
wives anodder is de place for married folks, an' 
I'se gwine to hike out for hit.' 

" 'Well, hit don't make no hit wid me/ says 
I, 'for de onliest weapon dat a woman has got 
is her tongue, an' ef you makes hit so dat a hus- 
band ain't afraid of dat, she ain't got no way to 
pertect herself, an' whar is she?' 

" 'Des to think,' spons Ike in a kind of dreamy 



Different Tongues 75 

tone, f dat dere's a country where de scoldin' of 
wives don't mean nothin' more to a man dan de 
buzzin' of mosquitoes! I wonder whut it cost 
to get there.' " 



VIII 

A Good Beginning 

"/^ALLINE SIMPKINS, whut is gwine to 
V^ marry Bill Hawkins nex' month, took 
me to one side de odder day, an' axed me a 
mighty funny question," observed Mirandy, 
with a complacent smile. 

" 'Sis Mirandy/ says she, Tse 'bout to enter 
de holy estate of wedlock, which de story books 
prognosticates to be a picnic, but which, so far 
as I kin see at home, wid my Ma an' my Pa 
a-fightin' to rule de roost, is mo' lak a battle 
ground. Now, I done cas' my eye around 
'mongst de folks I know, an' I takes notice dat 
you is de freest woman, an' has got de politest 
husband, an' mo clothes of any in my 'quaint- 
ance, an' dat whilst Brer Ike aint to say hen- 
pecked, he walks mighty humble an' sings mighty 
low when you is around, an' as one sufferin' fel- 
low-woman to anodder, I axes you how does you 
do hit?' 

" 'Shoo/ I spon's, 'hit ain't no job to manage 

a husband ef you knows how.' 

76 



A Good Beginning 77 

" 'Maybe not,' says she, 'but from de mess 
dat mos' women makes of hit, I should jedge dat 
dere is a lot of howsomeverness 'bout hit.' 

" 'Calline,' says I, 'I ain't one of dese heah 
women whut's always a-handin' out advice free 
gratis for nothin', an' pokin' hit down people's 
throats ef dey wont take hit no odder way, but 
bein' as how de Good Book commands us to 
speak de word in season, an' as how any woman 
dat is gittin' her weddin' clothes ready sho'ly 
am in need of a little counsel 'bout de tribula- 
tions she's gwine into, I sorter feels hit my duty 
to give you a few p'ints. 

" c An' dey is dis: Get off on de right foot. 
Dat's de whole of de law an' de gospil, as Brer 
Jenkins says. Ev'ything depends on de start 
you make when you is fust married. Ef you 
takes yo' seat on de top of de ladder, dar you'll 
set, an' yo' husband will stand down at de bot- 
tom an' look up an' admire you. 

" 'But ef you takes a seat down at de foot of 
de ladder, a-thinkin' dat he'll boost you up, or 
dat maybe after awhile you'll climb up yo'self, 
de ve'y fust time dat you tries to shin up he'll 
grab you by de petticoats an' pull you back. 

' 'For a man don't think no mo' of a woman 
dan she thinks of herself. An' he believes 'bout 



78 Mirandy 

her what she tells him herself, 'specially after 
dey is married, 'caze after a man's married to a 
woman he's ready to swallow anything dat she 
says dat don't call for no argyment, an 5 dat is 
kinder ca'm an' peaceable lak. 

" 'What makes Ike think dat I is de mos' 
economical woman in de world? Becaze I'se 
always a-showin' him de bargains I buys, whilst 
de things dat I gits tucked in on I shoves under 
de bed an' keeps mum 'bout. 

" 'What makes Ike think dat his guardeen 
angel must a-been a wukkin' overtime when he 
married me? Becaze I'se always a-tellin' him 
whut a good wife I is, an' how I saved him from 
marryin' Sally Smithers, whut has got twins, 
or Henrietta Jenkins, whut is de wust cook in 
town, or Susanna Jones, whut is dat shiftless 
dat she don't clean up her house from year's eend 
to year's eend. 

" 'Yassum, a woman suttinly does write her 
own price tag for her husband, an' hit shorely 
do rile me to see dem gumps of wives dat is al- 
ways a-beggin' an' a-prayin' deir husbands to 
overlook somethin' dat dey did, dat de man 
never would have found out ef dey hadn't told. 
Dat's de good of bein' married to a man, instid 
of bein' engaged to him — yo' husband don't look 
close enough at you to see whut you does do. 



A Good Beginning 79 

" 'Yassum, dere ain't nothin' lak gittin' off 
on de right foot when you is married. In ev'y 
fambly dere's one dat is hit, an' de odder one 
dat ain't. Dere's one dat's got ways, an' dere's 
de odder one dat's got to put up wid dem ways. 
Dere's one dat's got to have de lean piece of de 
pork chops, an' de odder dat's got to eat de fat 
dat's lef on de dish. Dere's one dat's got to 
have de fine clothes an' set in de front pew, 
whilst de odder kinder sets away back under de 
gallery, whar folks can't see how many times 
deir clothes has been cleaned, an' how many 
patches dey is got on 'em. 

" k An' hit's de one dat gits de runnin' start 
when dey is married dat leads de procession all 
de way through. Whut happens in dem fam- 
blies whar de wife 'nounces from de start dat she 
never has done no hard wuk, an' don't never ex- 
pect to, an' dat she's got to have a silk frock, an' 
dat she is blessed wid nerves dat has got to be 
took care of'? Don't de husband git up in de 
mawnin', an' cook de breakfast, an' den hustle 
out to make de money, an' den walk lak he was 
walkin' on eggs round home so as not to disturb 
her'? Dat he does. 

:c c An' whut happens when a women marries 
one of dese heah uppity, consequential, big 
talkin' men dat has always got to be wearin' a 



80 Mirandy 

silk hat, an' a tail coat, an' a s'ciety badge in his 
buttonhole, an' dat's forever a-marchin' in de 
procession, an' a-totin' de corpses out at de fun- 
eral, but dat is too fibble to follow de plow, or 
sling de hammer in de carpenter shop? Don't 
his wife take in washin' to support de fambly, 
an shoo de chillen out of de back do' so dey 
won't make any noise an' spile deir Pa's nap in 
de daytime? Dat she does. 

" c An' dat's de reason, when I turned dem 
facts over in my mind, dat de mawnin' after I 
was married I poured myself out de first cup of 
coffee, an' took de brownest biscuit an' de breast 
of de chicken. An' Ike, he's been passin' 'em 
to me ever since. I ain't greedy, an' I'd lak to 
give 'em to Ike once in a while, but I dassent 
do hit, for de only way a woman kin git anythin' 
is for her to make her husband believe dat she's 
'bleedged to have hit. Ef he once finds out dat 
she kin do widout hit, she's a goner. 

" c An' hit's de same way 'bout dem little 
fracases dat will crop up in de fambly circle. 
Cose dere ain't no woman dat don't make mis- 
takes ; but, thank Gord, men do, too, an' a smart 
woman always lights into her husband for some- 
thin' he's done befo' he gets a chanst to get after 
her. Now, when I'se been downtown an' I'se 



A Good Beginning 81 

spent de money dat I oughter paid de butcher 
wid for a Spring bonnet, I sails into Ike 'bout 
de way he segasuated around Ma' Jane Jones at 
de chu'ch sociable, an' I gits so much madder dan 
he is, an' talks so much faster, dat he forgits de 
remarks he was gwine to make to me 'bout dat 
butcher bill. 

" 'Yassum, dat's so; des give me fust word, 
an' I don't care who has de las' — ef dere is any 
las' when I gits through. 

" c Yassum, hit's all in gittin' a good start, an' 
gittin' off on de right foot when you're married. 
De reason dat dere is so many po', downtrodden, 
skimped, neglected wives is becaze when a girl 
is fust married she's so tickled at havin' a hus- 
band, an' so grateful to de man dat kept her from 
bein' a ole maid, dat she takes a back seat. 
Den by de time dat she finds out dat she ain't 
got so much to be thankful for, after all, hit's 
too late. Her husband is done got settled in 
de king cheer, an' he's so comfortable she can't 
git him out. 

" 'Nawm. Hit's all in de start, an' any 
woman dat don't keep her husband so busy 
apologizing for his shortcomings dat he ain't got 
time to notice hers don't deserve to have one. 
Dat's all.' " 



IX 

Friendship 

44 T7 V V'Y now an' den," observed Mirandy, 

Jl^J with a perplexed look on her old face, 
"ev'y now an' den Brer Jenkins axes de prars 
of de congregation for some po', friendless crit- 
ter, an' we all fetches a kind of Amen sigh an' 
sloshes over wid pity for 'em. 

"Yit when I gits home, an' begins to cas' 
round in my mind for de 'casion of de sympathy, 
I wonders ef dem what ain't afflicted wid no 
friends ain't got de bulge on de balance of us. 

"An' mo' specially is I mixed up in my mind 
'bout whedder hit's a blessin' or a calamity to 
have friends ef I is walked home wid Sis Hannah, 
what is my bosom companion, so to speak, what 
has knowed me ever sence we was chillen to- 
gedder, and darefore when she jabs a hatpin in 
me, knows des whar hit will hurt most. 

"Yassum, dem what ain't got no friends sho'ly 

do miss a lot, comin' an' goin'. Maybe dey 

don't hear many words of affection, but, my 

82 



Friendship 83 

Lawd, dey passes up a lot of plain talk 'bout 
deir faults an' deir weakness dat folks wid a 
lot of conscientious friends has to listen to. 

"Caze a friend is wuss dan a husband or a 
wife in pintin' out to you des de places whar 
you falls down. I goes a little slow in tellin 5 
Ike des w T hat I thinks of him becaze Pse got to 
live wid him an' git de mos ? of his pay envelope 
out of him on Sat'dy night, an' Ike, he's sorter 
shy of givin' me his unbiased opinion on my 
conduct, becase he remembers dat Pse mighty 
handy wid de flat iron; but dere ain't no thin' to 
hold back our friends from bein' perfectly hon- 
est, an' doing deir full duty by us. 

"After dey is done riled Ike, an' got my back 
up, by tellin' us of our back-slidin' for our own 
good, dere ain't nothin' to hinder 'em from 
stayin' out of our way ontell we cools off, an' 
hit's safe to come in our neighborhood once mo'. 

"Yassum, des a plain, common enemy 
wouldn't dast to say to you de things dat yo' 
best friend does, an' dat's de reason dat I thinks 
dat maybe we ain't got so much call to weep 
over de sorrers of de friendless, after all. 

"What makes me say all dis is dat Pse des 
been havin' sperunce dat has sorter busted de 
halo round friendship for me, an' made me kinder 



84 Mirandy 

hone for de society of dem what don't know me 
enough not to be polite, an' don't love me enough 
to feel lak dey is got de right to tromple over 
my feelin's. 

"Yassum, I disremembers ef I ever is been 
stabbed in de back by anybody but a friend, an' 
de wust of hit is dat when dey gits out deir 
razors an' goes for you dey knows des whar dey 
kin bring de blood de quickest. 

"Now, de odder day I done put on my new 
frock, an' my Fall hat with a fowl 'bout de size 
of a Thanksgivin' turkey a-settin' in a nest of 
green ribbings on hit, an' as I turned away from 
my lookin' glass I thinks to myself dat ef I does 
say hit myself, I'se a mighty sportly lookin' cul- 
lud lady. An' dat put me in sech a good humor 
dat I went down de street so full of de milk of 
human kindness dat I'd a turned into butter ef 
you had a shook me. 

"Well, bein' as how things was, I thought dat 
I'd make a few visits 'mongst my friends, so 
de fust place I dropped in was Sally Ann's. 
Sally Ann, she's one of dese heah stringy, 
scrawny, starved lookin' kind of women dat looks 
lak deys been kept on half rations all deir life, 
an' she had on a dirty old Mother Hubbard dat 
warn't on speakin' terms wid de wash tub, an' 



Friendship 85 

when I sat down on a cheer dat kind of creaked 
an' groaned under my weight an' looked at my 
silk frock, I sorter gin thanks dat I warn't lak 
some odder women I might mention, an' den I 
waited for Sally Ann to pass me de compliments 
'bout my looks. 

"But bless yo' life, Sally Ann fetched a groan 
an' looked at me wid a sorrerful lookin' eye. 
'Sis Mirandy,' says she, c is you ever tried any- 
thing for dat fat? Hit sho'ly am a sad sight 
to see anybody gittin' a figger lak yo's, an' hit 
seems to me dat ev'y time I sees you you has 
done put on 'bout ten pounds mo' flesh, an' is 
a inch bigger round de waist. 'Cose I wouldn't 
mention de fact to you, 'ceptin' dat you an' me 
is sech good friends dat I hates to see you losin' 
yo' good looks, an' gittin' mo' an' mo' lak a 
feather-bed, for I knows dat fat folks is kinder 
sensitive, an' maybe fat's a jedgment, anyway, 
sent on you to keep you humble. But ef I was 
you I suttinly would try starvin' myself, an' 
walkin' fo' miles on a empty stomach, an' doin' 
dem physical culcher exercises to try to bring 
myself down to a straight front figger.' 

"Now, ef Sally Ann had des been a acquaint- 
ance I'd a give her back as good as she sent, but 
bein' as how she was a friend I swallowed hard, 



86 Mirandy 

an' 'lowed dat I better be a-movin' along, an' 
took my foot in my hand an' left. 

"De next house I went to was Sis Alviry 
Sniggers, what's mighty set on style, an' I sho'ly 
did feel lak I'd sqush Sis Alviry wid dat new 
bonnet, but Sis Alviry she took one look at hit 
through her spectacles, an' den she say: 

" 'Sis Mirandy, dat's a mighty fine bonnet you 
got on, but don't you think dat hit's 'bout twenty 
years too young for you? 'Cose ef me an' you 
hadn't been sech intimate friends ever sence we 
was gals, I wouldn't pass no remarks on hit, but 
bein' as how we is mos' lak sisters, I feels lak I 
ought to save you from makin' a figger of fun of 
yo'self by wearin' a hat dat would mo' become 
yo' daughter dan hit does you, for dere ain't 
nothin' dat makes a ole woman look so much lak 
a plum fool as one of dese heah hats all trimmed 
up wid birds, an' ribbons, an' things.' 

"I had to pass dat along, too, on account of 
Sis Alviry's friendship houndin' her on to take 
my pleasure out of my bonnet, but I wasn't en- 
joyin' her conversation enough to make me want 
to linger, so I segasuated on, an' de fust news 
I knowed I bumped into Sis Maria, who is one 
of de zorters in de chu'ch, an' de leader of de 



Friendship 87 

prar meetin', an' when she see my silk dress she 
looked mighty mournful. 

" c Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'ef I wasn't one of 
yo' true friends I'd let you go yo' way to de- 
struction widout liftin' my voice, but bein' as 
how me an' you is sech good friends an' neigh- 
bors, I feel dat de call is laid on me to warn 
you against yo' besettin' sin, which is vanity. 
You ought to pray, Sis Mirandy, to be delivered 
from de temptations of silk frocks, an' feather 
bonnets, an' from a-dressin' yo'self up. You 
is a good woman, Sis Mirandy, but I wouldn't 
be a faithful friend ef I didn't pint out to you 
dat you is mighty puffed up wid pride an' vain- 
glory, which am unbecomin' a Christian, an' a 
woman dat ain't no better lookin' dan you. 
'Cose ef you was young an' pretty, hit might be 
excused, but at yo' time of life, an' wid yo' 
figger, dere ain't no justification for hit.' 

i( 'Bout dat time hit begun to look to me dat 
home was de safest place for me, an' so I made 
a bee line for hit, but I hadn't been dere fo' 
minutes, fo' here comes Sis Sally Sue. An' she 
ain't no sooner got dere an' sunk down in a cheer 
dan she began: 

" c Sis Mirandy,' says she, Tse got a mighty 



88 Mirandy 

onpleasant thing to do, but I ain't one of dem 
friends what shirks deir duty. Nawm, I says 
to myself when I heered dat Ike was a-makin' 
sheep's eyes at Gladys Geraldine, an' a-walkin' 
by her house of moonlight nights, dat hit's my 
duty as Sis Mirandy's oldest friend to go an' tell 
her 'bout hit, for ef her friends don't tell her de 
chances is she never will know hit. Friendship 
is a mighty sacred thing, Sis Mirandy,' she goes 
on a-rollin' up her eyes at de ceilin' wid a pious 
look, 'but I'se always ready to sacrifice myself 
for hit, an' hit was me dat told de Deaconses how 
folks was a-talkin' 'bout deir gal Betty, an' open 
de eyes of Sim Johnsing to de fact dat his wife 
warn't no better dan she ought to be.' 

"Wid dat I riz up an' put Sis Sally Sue out 
of de do', an' sence den when I wants any com- 
pany I'se been runnin' wid folks dat don't know 
me well enough to tell me de truth. An' I'se 
been a lot mo' peaceable, an' dat's what makes 
me wonder ef de friendless is so bad off after 
all. 

"Maybe dey has consolations." 



X 

Our Enemies 

44 Y^\IS mawin'," said Mirandy, "as I was 

JL/ a-fetchin' yo' clothes home I met up 
wid Sis Marthy, an' I stopped to pass de time 
of day wid her. 

" 'Well, Sis Marthy, 3 I said, 'how does yo' 
symptoms seem to segasuate?' 

" 'Oh, Sis Mirandy/ spons she a bus tin' into 
tears, Tse a travelin' through de low ground of 
trouble an' tribulation.' 

" 'How so?' I axes. 

" 'Oh, Sis Mirandy,' she moans, 'I ain't got no 
friends. Dere ain't nobody dat loves me.' 

" 'Well,' I axes, 'you ain't run out of folks 
dat hates you, is you?' 

" 'Nawm,' she spons w T id a sob. 

" 'Shoo, den,' I says, 'you ain't got nuthin' 
to worry over, for let me tell you — one real 
hefty, able-bodied enemy will do you mo' good 
dan fifty friends. 

" 'What do friends do for you"? Dey comes 
89 



90 Mirandy , 

and eat up our vittels, an' borry our new flower 
bonnets, an' a little change dat dey forgits to 
pay back, but our enemies ain't got de privilege 
of comin' an' settlin' down on us, so dey's 
money in our pocket. 

" 'Did you ever heah of anybody dat ev'ybody 
liked dat ever had a dollar? Popularity is de 
fust mile post on de road to de po' house. You 
see one of dese heah men whut's hail-fellow- 
well-met wid ev'ybody, an' dat ev'y Tom, Dick, 
an' Harry slaps on de back, an' calls by his fust 
name, an' when he dies de preacher has to pass 
de hat 'roun to git de money to bury him wid. 

" 'I tell you, Sis Marthy, dat friends is 'bout 
de most expensive luxury dat anybody can in- 
dulge in, an' dat's why de folks dat gits rich, 
don't never have none. You don't heah of no- 
body whut's hangin' on de neck of dat Mr. 
Rockingfeller, or dat loves Mr. Carnegie lak 
a brother, does you? 

" 'But enemies is cheap. You don't have to 
feed 'em, nor buy no drinks for 'em, nor waste 
no time entertainin' 'em, nor set up wid 'em 
when dey is sick. All dat dey expect from you 
is des to give 'em de cold shoulder an' a dis- 
contemptuous look when you passes 'em by. 

" 'We talks a lot of foolishness about de 



Our Enemies 91 

power of love, but it's de power of hate dat 
makes us git up an' do things. As long as we 
are in de bosom of our friends, who lak us no 
matter wedder we do anything or not, we jest 
settles back an' takes life easy. But des let a 
enemy come along, one of dese heah sneerin', 
fleerin' devils dat looks at vou slanch wise, an' 
laughs a laugh dat makes you want to choke 
him, an' den you gits busy. You rolls up your 
sleeves, an' spits on your hands, an' grits your 
teeth, an' hits do or die wid you, an' dat one 
measly little enemy has done mo' for you dan 
forty-leven friends did. 

" c An' de funny thing is dat we'll do more 
for our enemies dan we will for our friends. I 
know how dat is myself. When Sis Sally Sue, 
what me an' her has been lak twinses ever since 
we was born, is coming to see me, I des sort of 
gives de house a lick an' a promise kind of 
cleanin' up, an' I des lets her take pot-luck din- 
ner. 

f 'But when Sis Marietta, what she an' me 
has hated each odder lak pisen since we had dat 
run-in togedder at de chu'ch fair, is gwine to 
drap in an' pay me a call, I sweeps under de beds 
an' dusts behind de pictures, an' puts out fresh 
tidies on de chairs, an' I has some cake an' wine 



92 Mirandy 

settin' around handy lak I ain't used to 
eatin' nuthin' else, for I ain't gwine to have dat 
long-tongued snake a-gwine around tellin' dat 
ole Mirandy is a shiftless housekeeper dat lakly 
starves her fambly, an' is dat stingy dat she be- 
grudges company a bite to eat. 

" 'An' whut makes me wuk my fingers to de 
bone a-takin' in washin' to buy me a three-cor- 
nered hat, an' one of dem harem-scarem skirts? 
Is hit fur de sake of Sis Becky, whut's my friend, 
an' dat I'll look good to in any kind of ole 
dudds? Nawm. Hit's for Sis Luelen, whut 
I can't abide, dat I does all of dat extra wuk, 
so dat I can flaunt myself down de chu'ch isle of 
a Sunday mawnin', a rattlin' as I walk, an' a 
shakin' my silk petticoats in front of her ve'y 
face, so dat she is dat filled wid envy dat she 
can't hear whut de preacher says. 

" 'Yessum, Sis Marthy,' I goes on, 'we'll do 
more for hate dan we will for love, an' hit's 
our enemies dat help us, an' de way I cotch a 
good husband was by baitin' de hook wid spite. 
'You know dat when Ike was a young man 
he sho'ly was a buck nigger, an' all de gals was 
a hotfootin' hit after him, an' tryin' to tole him 
in wid angel's food, an' chicken fixins, an' sich 
lak, but he et dere good cookin', an' flew de 




% F 



'When Ike was a young man he sho'ly was a 

buck nigger! " 



Our Enemies 95 

coop, an' was dat foxy dat none of 'em couldn't 
lay dere hands on him. 

" 'Well, when I come along, I didn't waste 
no time over de cookin' stove. I cut my eye 
around an' I see dat dere was a feller named 
Sam dat de very looks of riled Ike lak a red rag 
does a mad bull. So I jest passed over Ike lak 
I didn't see him, an' begun makin' sheep's eyes 
at Sam, an' dat done de trick for Ike. He was 
jest obliged to take Sam's gal away from him 
ef he busted de traces doin' hit, an' by de time 
he done cut out Sam, he done led me to de altar. 

" 'Dat's whut makes me say whut I do, Sis 
Marthy. Don't you worry none about not 
havin' no friends as long as you've got plenty 
of enemies. Our best friends is our enemies, 
for dey are de ones dat keeps us up an' 
hustlin'.' " 



XI 

Retaining a Husband's Love 

"T"^ E odder ni g ht >" said Mirand y> " Sis c y n - 

JL/ thy, whut is one of dese heah trouble 
gatherers whut ain't never happy unless she is 
a-settin' up nussin' a secret sorrer, comes to my 
house, an' after we done pass de time of day she 
heave a sigh dat busted fo' buttons off de middle 
of de back of her shutwaist. 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' says she, 'whut is dis world 
a-comin' to? For hit's done got so you can't 
believe half you see, an' nothin' dat you hears.' 

" £ Dis shorely am a vale of lies and liars,' I 
respons, 'but what is done happen to you dat 
makes you prognosticate in dat tone of voice?' 

" 'Well,' says Sis Cynthy, 'you know dat di- 
vorshee lady whut come to our chu'ch las' week 
an' deliver a lecture befo' de Daughters of Zion 
on de subject of "How to Retain a Husband's 
Affections"? She suttingly did talk most 
grand, an' hit was a eddifyin' discourse as I ever 
listened to.' 

96 



Retaining a Husband's Love 97 

" 'Hit's a mighty funny thing to me,' 'spons 
I, 'dat all de women dat is, gwine around layin' 
down de law about how to keep a husband is 
dem whut is done los' 'em, or old maids whut 
ain't never had 'em.' 

" 'Dat's de true word,' 'sclaimed Sis Cynthy, 
'but didn't none of us think of hit at de time; an' 
she was a talker from 'way back. She began by 
sayin' dat men was fickle an' prone to change as 
de sparks am to fly upward, and dat by de time 
a woman gets settled down into double har- 
ness, de man has most ginerally kicked over de 
traces.' 

" ' "What wife in dis audience," says she, 
a-pintin' a bony finger at us, "what wife in dis 
audience can rise up from her cheer an' say dat 
her husband treats her lak he did in de days dat 
he was courtin' her? Does he bring her violets 
when he comes home at night? Does he spend 
his evenin' holdin' her hand? Does hit take ten 
minutes for him to kiss her good-by when he 
leaves her presence? Does he tell her how- 
beautiful an' whut a angel she is, an' dat he asks 
nothin' of Heaven but to make him worthy of 
her? 

"'"No! A thousand times, no! You all 
knows dat when yo' husbands don't make a 



98 Mirandy 

sneak to de corner saloon after dinner dat dey 
sets around home in a way dat would make a 
clam on ice seem real excitin' an 5 lively company, 
an' dat, if yo' husband was to hand you out a 
few compliments about yo' pussonal appearance, 
or give you a kiss dat had a little ginger in hit, 
dat you would fall dead wid surprise. 

" ' c 'An' what, my sisters, is de whenceness of 
dis whereforeness, I asks you? Hit means dat 
yo' husbands is don los' intrust in you, dat deir 
affection is done simmered down to de lukewarm 
state, an' dat hit is yo' business to raise dat love 
to de bilin' pint again." 

" 'At dese words, Sis Mirandy, all of us 
turned sort of white aroun' de gills, for dough 
we never had thought befo' dat we was in any 
danger of losin' our husbands' affections, we see as 
soon as she pint hit out to us, dat dat was de ve'y 
way our husbands acts ; so we all leaned forward, 
stretchin' our necks lak my ole domminecker hen 
does when she is waitin' to be fed, whilst de lady 
speaker told us how to make our husbands fall 
in love wid us over agin, an' retain deir affec- 
tions when we got 'em. 

" C I disremember a lot dat she said, but de 
main thing was dat we must all git thin, an' 
slim, an' willowy, an' keep dressed up all de 



Retaining a Husband's Love 99 

time, an' coquette wid our husbands an' not let 
'em feel too sure of us. 

" 'Well, dat slim business certainly did git 
away wid me, Sis Mirandy, becaze I quit weigh- 
ing when I tilted de scales at 240; but when I 
went home, instid of pullin off my good clothes 
an' gittin' busy wid de cook stove, I set down in 
de parlor an' waited for Jeems Henry to come 
home. 

" 1 lowed to bring de ole light back into his 
eyes, lak de speaker said, when he saw me so 
fixed up; but when he gin one surprised look at 
me, an' anodder at de cold stove an' no supper, 
he ax me what in de name of creation is de 
matter wid me, an' is I done gone out of my 
senses? 

' 'At dat I roll my eyes at him, an' look coy, 
an' say, "I done see de preacher as I come home 
dis evenin' an' he suttinly am a pussonable 
man." 

"'"Well," spons he, "maybe so; but ef I 
ketches dat flop-yeared hound a hangin' 'round 
heah I lay I'll break ev'y bone in his body." 

' 'Den I rolls my eyes some mo' at Jeems 
Henry, lak I used to do when he was a courtin' 
me, an in de way dat he used to think was fas- 
cinating but I reckon he done forgot, for he look 



100 Mirandy 

sort of scared lak, an' poked his head in de 
kitchen do' an' holler out to one of de chillen to 
run for de doctor, for deir ma was sudden took, 
an' out of her haid. 

" 'At dat I got up an 5 pulled off my good 
clothes an' cooked supper, an' things went on 
jes' de same at our house, dough all de evenin' 
I seen Jeems Henry lookin' at me sort o' slant- 
wise over de paper, lak he thought I done gone 
crazy, an' I was ashamed to tell him dat I had 
jest been tryin' to win back his lost love an' in- 
trust. 

" 'An' dat's what make me say what I do, 
Sis Mirandy, dat dere ain't nothin' in dese heah 
recipes about fascinatin' yo' husband over again. 
Hit can't be did.' 

" 'Maybe married women ain't lost deir hus- 
bands' love so often as dey think dey is, Sis 
Cynthy,' says I. 'As for me, I don't take no 
stock in dis heah love talk. Talk's cheap. De 
proof of a husband's affection is de way he treats 
you, not what he says, an' de test of love after 
marriage ain't bringin' home vi'lets; hit's bringin' 
home de pay envelope. As long as Brer Jeems 
Henry does dat, you ain't got no call to worry. 

" 'An' don't you fool yo'self about thinkin' 
dat you is gwine to retain yo' husband's affection 



Retaining a Husband's Love 10 1 

by keepin' him on de anxious seat. After a 
man is done been married ten years he ain't 
hankerin' after thrills: he's lookin' for peace. 

" f De trouble wid most women,' goes on I, 'is 
dat dey treats deir husbands lak reasonable be- 
ings, which ain't no way to treat a husband, for 
husbands ain't nothin' but babies wid beards. 
You got to pat 'em some, an' spile 'em some, an' 
spank 'em some, an' shet yo' eyes to deir doin's 
some, an' stuff 'em on what dey lak to eat, an' ef 
yo' does dat yo' can mostly keep 'em at home — 
or leastways dey's sure to come back to hit.' 

" 'But ain't dere no way a woman can be 
shore of retainin' her husband's love?' axes Sis 
Cynthy. 

ff 'Narry a way, so far as I knows,' spons I. 
c An' dat makes de intrust of matermony. Hit 
would be awful wearin' to be tied to somethin' 
you couldn't give away, or kill, or lose.' " 



XII 

The Superior Civilization of Man 

44 T CAN always tell/ 5 remarked Mirandy with 
A conviction, "when a man is dat henpecked 
at home dat he says 'our britches' when he talks 
about his pants. He's de man dat when he 
gits out whar his wife can't hear him is always 
a lambastin' women, an' layin' ev'rything dat 
goes wrong, from de weather up an' down, at 
deir door. Yassum, de man whut crows de 
loudest abroad, sings de smallest on his own 
roost pole. 

"Now dere's Br'er Jenkins dat dasn't call his 
soul his own when Sis' Jenkins is around, but, 
sakes alive, you ought to jest hear him when he 
gits up in de pulpit whar nobody can't dispute 
him. De way he wades into women is jest 
plumb scandalous, an' last night he shorely was 
on a high horse, caze he been readin' somethin' 
in de paper dat kinder backed him up. Of 
cose, de men in de congregation is a-feared to 
hold up his hands, no matter what dey thinks. 

102 



Superior Civilization of Man 103 

Fer dey's mos'ly married, an' is got to go home 
wid deir wives. 

"But dis piece in de paper say dat one of 
dem college perfessers is done bust loose again, 
an' dat he say dat women is lots mo' oncivilized 
an' heathenish dan men is, an' dat ef he had 
a-been raised by his Pa, instead of by his Ma, 
dat he would a-been lots mo' of a perfect lady 
dan whut he is. 

"When Br'er Jenkins tell about dat, he 
fetches a sigh and says, 'How true dat is!' an' 
Br'er Sim starts to holler £ Amen!' but he happen 
to ketch Sis' Tempy's eye an' he changes hit 
to a kinder groan. Den Br'er Jenkins go on to 
tell how de perfesser say dat de Pas ought to 
fetch up de chillen so as to give 'em de benefit 
of de elervatin' masculine inflooence, an' at dat 
I sing out: 

" 'Bless Gord, let de good day come!' " 

"Fer I specs dat's one view dat de women 
is gwine to chip in mighty lively wid. Yassum, 
hit suttinly would be handy to have a husband 
an' father around de house dat would walk de 
colic, an' scrub de chillen's faces, an' give 'em 
bread an' molasses ev'y time dey cried fer hit, 
an' nuss em when dey was sick, an' put 'em to 
bed at night, an' all de time you could set back 



104 Mirandy 

easy in yo' cheer, a-knowin' dat dey was a im- 
bibin' de nice, gentle, refined ways of men, 
'stead of gittin to be rough an' rude lak women. 

"Yassum, dat shorely would be de millen- 
nium dat de Good Book tells about, whar de 
chillen cease from troublin' an' de mothers are 
at rest, an' dey can't hurry hit up too much fer 
me. Hit always looked lak to me dat dere 
warn't enough partnership in de chillen, noway. 
I don't see why a Ma should be ten times as much 
a Ma, as a Pa is a Pa. But dat's de way hit 
wuks. Ike, he never claims our chillen but 
about two minutes a week. De balance of de 
time dey's mine. When little Teddy Rooster- 
felt is dirty, an' bad, an' has broke de neighbor's 
window, he says: 

" 'Woman, look whut yo' chile has done 
did!' but when dat angel chile fetches home 
de prize from de Sunday school, Ike, he stands 
on de street corner, an' swells out his chist, an' 
brags about 'his son.' 

"Howsomever, dat ain't neder here nor dere. 
Whut I wants to know is how dat college per- 
fesser found out dat women is mo' oncivilized 
dan men, an' dat fathers have a mo' refinin' 
inflooence on chillen dan mothers has? 

"Cose, I'se jest a po', ignorant ole woman, 



Superior Civilization of Man 105 

an' I ain't gwine spute wid a learned perfesser 
in a college, but all de men whut I ever knowed 
thought dat you raised a baby lak you did a 
setter pup, an' dat de best thing to do when one 
got to cryin' was to git so far away, an' so in- 
terested in a crap game dat dey couldn't hear it 
caterwaulin'. 

"Den hit seems lak to me dat I kinder took 
notice dat hit is men, an' not oncivilized women, 
dat takes delight in seein' things git hurt. I 
disremember ever seein 5 women set two dogs to 
chew each odder up, an' ef any of de mother's 
clubs ever backed a prize fight, or any sister in 
good an' regular standin' in de chu'ch ever paid 
$25 for a seat to see men batter each odder to 
pieces, I never heard of hit. 

"Yit when de perlice raided de barn whar 
dey was havin' whut dey called a glove contest, 
de nex mawnin' me, an' Sis' Tempy, an' Sis' 
Hannah, an' all de odder deacons' wives had to 
hustle around an' pay our husbands out of de 
calaboose. 

"An' as fer war — my land, but dey wouldn't 
be no mo' war ef dere was only women in de 
world. Cose day'd git mad, an' sass each odder 
over de back fence, an' maybe dere might be 
a little hair pullin', but de fust time any lady 



106 Mirandy 

got scratched so de blood come all de balance of 
de women would throw down deir weapons, an' 
run an' try to bring her to wid smellin' salts. 
Den dey's all set down together an' have a 
good cry, an' say dat dey reckon dey didn't 
mean all dey said, an' den dey'd kiss an' go 
home, an' borrow somethin' fer supper jest to 
show dat dey was neighborly once mo'. 

"Maybe dat perfesser is right, dat men is mo' 
civilized dan women, but did you ever see a 
house dat men live in widout no woman around ? 
De blackin' brush will be on de mantlepiece, an' 
de dirty dishes on de table, an' de tea kettle on 
de bed, an' de clothes will be strewed from one 
end to de odder, an' de dust will be a mile 
thick over ev'ything. Yassum, dat's so. When 
I goes away an' leaves Ike to keep house de only 
clean thing I finds when I gits home is de towel. 

"An' hit's de same way 'bout dressin' up. 
My land, but ef de women was all dead de men 
would be a gwine roun' in blankets befo' de 
year was out, an' wid beards so long dat dey 
would have birds' nests in 'em. 

"Men don't dress up fer each odder. Dey 
primps up for women. Befo' a man is married 
he fixes himself up to try to ketch some gal, an' 
after he's married he dresses up caze his wife 



Superior Civilization of Man 107 

make him, an' to save a fambly argyment. 
Yassum, ef I had a dollar fer ev'y time I'se 
made Ike put on a clean shut when he didn't 
want to, I specs I could buy out Mr. Rockin- 
feller an' float away on seas of kerosense. 

"Yassum, hit shorely am wonderful whut dem 
perfessers diskivers, an' I wonders how dey does 
hit, an' how dey happen to find out dat women 
is mo' oncivilized dan men. To me hit looks 
lak dat men an' women is much of a muchness 
— case ef dey warn't dey wouldn't match so 
well." 



XIII 

Other People's Children 

44 1 TIT ain't to say dat I is jest edjactly fell 

A X out wid Cynthy Ann Jones," said 

Mirandy with a judicial air. "Nawm, dere 

ain't no words passed betwixt us, an' we'se still 

friends enough to borry back an' forth, but I'se 

des sorter cooled off, an' slacked off in visitin' 

of her. 

"I ain't a-aspersin' her character, nor a-castin' 

no alligators at her, an' I hates to say hit, but 

Cynthy Ann ain't de woman she used to be, an' 

dere ain't de pleasure in gwine to see her dat I 

used to sperunce befo' dat miserable little 

measly chile of hers was bawn. 

"Yassum, she's a changed woman for sho', 

for, whereas she used to be de mos' entertainin' 

pusson dat you could find in a Sabbath day's 

journey, as Br'er Jenkin says, now she's got to 

be dat tiresome an' wearyin 5 dat I is sorter 

kinder passed her by, an' she don't never see me 

ef I sees her fust. 

108 



Other People's Children 109 

"Still ole friendship is ole friendship, an' for 
de sake of de time when we was gals togedder, 
de odder day, I puts on my bonnet an' went 
over to see her, for I wanted to tell her 'bout 
my Ma'y Jane havin' caught Si Reeves for a 
beau, whut's got a home of his own, an' money 
in de bank. Furdermo' I 'lowed to prognos- 
ticate 'bout my son Thomas Jefferson Abraham 
Lincoln bein' 'lected de President of de Black 
an' Tan Football Club, an' also I laid off to 
give her a treat by repeatin' to her all de smart 
things dat my little Teddie Roosterfelt, whut 
suttinly am a bawn genius ef dere ever was one, 
is done an' said. 

"I thought hit would kin' of cheer her up to 
hear all 'bout my chillun, whut is always doin' 
an' sayin' interestin' things dat hit would tickle 
anybody to heah 'bout. But, ef you'll believe 
me, I never got de chanst to tell one single thing 
'bout 'em, for Cynthy Ann spend de whole en- 
durin' time a remarkin' 'bout dat cymblin' 
headed, cross eyed, bandy legged brat of hern — 
as ef anybody in de world wanted to heah 'bout 
him, or would listen to his ma's account of his 
smart speeches, ef dey could help deirselves. 

"Dat's whut makes me say dat I ain't a-takin' 
up Cynthy Ann's time a-visitin' her, for ef dere 



no Mirandy 

is anything dat gits on my nerves, hit is to hear 
dese women whut's got onery chillen, a-settin' 
up a-tellin' 'bout how cute deir offspring is, 
whilst I, dat really could entertain de company 
by relatin' de smartness of my little Teddy 
Roosterfelt, has got to set up wid my mouf shut 
becaze dey don't leave me no time to speechify 
in. 

"Hit sholy is curis whut idjits women kin 
be 'bout deir chillen, an' I thanks de good Lawd 
dat I ain't lak dem gump mothers dat thinks 
dat dey is hatched out a lot of swans when 
ev'ybody else kin see dat de brood ain't nothin' 
but plain, web-footed geese. 

"Yassum, I sho'ly kin see my chillen lak dey 
is, an' ef dey had any faults I would know hit, 
an' de reason dat I thinks dey is des 'bout puffect 
is becaze dey is. 'Cose I can't help knowin' dat 
Ma'y Jane is de best looking an' is got de 
finest figger, an' is de smartest an' de peartes' 
gal in de chuch, an' dat Thomas Jefferson 
Abraham Lincoln is de handsomest an' de 
smartest young man in de block, an' dat little 
Teddy Roosterfelt would git de blue ribbon in 
any baby show ef he got his desserts. 

"Dem's des plain facts, an' de reason dat 
I don't never hold back 'bout spostulatin' 'bout 




( Ari makes him sing a song dat is got forty 
'leven verses to hit." 



Other People's Children 113 

'em is becaze ev'ybody laks to hear 'bout whut 
sech remarkable chillen does, an' when I spends 
de evenin' a-tellin' de neighbors 'bout de men 
whut's dyin' to marry Ma'y Jane, an' whut 
Teddy Roosterfelt said 'bout de po'k chops, I 
suttinly does feel shore dat dey has passed an 
entertainin' time. 

"An' hit's de same way 'bout dem women 
whut is always havin' deir chillen come an' sing 
for you, or say de poetry pieces for you. My 
Ian! but I wonders whar de fool killer is when 
Cynthy Ann calls in her little Benjie, dat ain't 
got no more tune to his voice dan a tomcat, an' 
makes him sing a song dat is got forty 'leven 
verses to hit, an' makes you pray for death to 
relieve your sufFerin's after ev'y one of 'em. 

"Cose it would be different, an' it would be 
a treat instid of a season of agony, ef he could 
sing de cute little things lak my Teddy Rooster- 
felt does, dat all my company always compli- 
ments, an' says as how he suttinly has got a 
wonderful voice for a chile. 

"Yassum, other folks' chillen suttinly am 
tiresome, an' de way deir mas lets 'em behave 
am plum scandalous. When Cynthy Ann 
brings Benjie wid her when she comes to see 
me, he des rampages through de house lak a 



114 Mirandy 

red Injun, an 5 he busts de cheers, an' sticks up 
de furniture wid bread an' molasses, an' he's 
dat noisy an' troublesome dat nothin' but my 
pity for his ma, whut has to stand him all de 
time, keeps me from axin' her to leave him at 
home de next time she heads my way. 

"Whut folks dat is got dat kind of chillen 
takes 'em around wid dem for, gits ahead of 
me, for when I sees a woman standin' on de 
front do' step a-ringin' de bell wid one hand 
an' holdin' a squirmin' chile wid de odder, I 
knows dat I'se in for trouble, an' dat I'se gwine 
to spend de nex' hour a-keepin' one eye on de 
chany vases on de what-not in de parlor, and de 
odder on de plush album dat hit's a-smearin' up, 
whilst de ma discourses 'bout de funny way dat 
Sally or Susie played accordeon wid de 
preacher's hat, an' mashed hit in so dat hit was 
as flat as a pumpkin pie. 

"Yassum, settin' on needles am a restful an' 
reposeful occupation to watchin' one of dem lit- 
tle demons wander around yo' house whilst you 
sets up a-sayin' how sweet an' cute hit is, an' 
a-thinkin' dat you would give five dollars to 
lam him over de head one' onbeknownst to his 
ma. 

"Cose dat ain't de way folks feel toward my 



Other People's Children 115 

Teddy Roosterfelt, an' dat's why I mos'ly takes 
him along wid me when I goes a-visitin'. Hit 
always makes plenty to talk about. He ain't 
restless lak odder chillen. He's des nervous, 
an' dat makes him want to move around an' look 
at de things dey is got, an' he says de funniest 
things 'bout 'em. Hit would des make vou 
die laughin' to hear him say: 'Whut a funny 
vase dis is. Hit's got all de back bus' out of 
hit, but you can't tell hit, caze hit's set in de 
corner!' Or maybe he'll ax me why hit was 
dat dey pinned a tidy over de wornout spot on 
de sofa, an' he'll ax me ef I w r on't git Miss Al- 
miry Smith to show him her false teeth caze 
his pa said dat he 'spicions dat all de teeth an' 
all de hair she got, she got out of de sto'. 

"Yassum, I suttinly am glad dat my chillen 
ain't lak odder folkses' chillen. How dey 
stands dem miserable, little squallin', meddlin', 
onery brats suttinly am a mystery to me, an' 
hits mo' of a wonderment still whut makes 'em 
think dat anybody wants to hear 'bout 'em. 

"Ef dey had chillen lak mine, now, dey might 
talk." 



XIV 
Food Values 

" <QIS MIRANDY,' says Sis Sairry Sue to 
k3 me de odder day as she fetched a sigh 
dat made de roses in her bonnet trimble, 'I don't 
know whut dis world is comin' to/ 

" 'Well, Sis Sairry Sue, 5 I spons, 'dat question 
used to worry me a lot, an' ev'y time things 
didn't go my way, an' de candidate dat I had put 
up an' was suppo'ting for de deacon in de chu'ch 
warn't elected, I jest thought dat de world was 
headed straight for de-struction, an' dat dere 
warn't nothin' could stop hit, but I done took 
notice dat things wags along whedder I'm runnin' 
'em or not, or pleased or not, an' so fur as I can 
see de jedgment day ain't no nigher on us dan 
hit used to be.' 

" 'I ain't a-wishin' to throw no cold water, nor 
yit no wet blankets on yo' faith, Sis Mirandy,' 
says Sis Sairry Sue, gittin' mo' an' mo' mourn- 
fuller, 'but ef de world ain't filled up now wid 
falsifiers, an' prevaricators, an' dem whut ain't 

on speakin' terms wid de truth, den I misses my 

116 



Food Values 117 

guess. You remember dat in de Bible days 
Ananias an' Sapphira was struck daid for lyin\ 
Well, Sis Mirandy, I 'lows dat hit is lucky dat 
de Lawd ain't dat quick on de trigger nowadays, 
for ef he was dere wouldn't be enough folks left 
to tote out de corpses an' bury 'em.' 

" 'I ain't a-disputin' yo' pint, Sis Sairry Sue/ 
I spons, c but I don't know dat I is so strong for 
de truth, for hit's been my 'sperience dat dem 
folks whut always brags dat dey speaks de plain 
truth to you is de ones dat always jumps up an' 
down on yo' pet corn. But whut's de matter wid 
you? Is somebody done gone an' deceived 
you?' 

" c Yassum, Sis Mirandy/ spons Sis Sairry Sue, 
C I sho' has been deceived. I's done had my 
trustin' nature tampered wid to dat degree dat 
I don't no longer believe nothing I hears, nor 
half dat I sees.' 

" 'My goodness, Sis Sairry Sue/ 'sclaims I, 
'but dis is awful, for de onliest way dat you can 
git along in comfort, especially ef you is a mar- 
ried woman, is for you to be of dat confidin' a 
disposition dat you shets yo' eyes an' opens yo' 
mouth, an' swallers ev'ything anybody tells you 
widout prognosticatin' 'bout how hit gwine to 
wuk.' 



n8 Mirandy 

" 'Dat was me ontil I got tukken in,' says Sis 
Sairry Sue, a-wipin' her eyes. 'You know, Sis 
Mirandy, dat I has been one of dem whut's took 
a lot of comfort out of readin' de newspapers, 
an' I ain't never been one of dem doubtin' 
Thomases dat axed whedder whut I read was 
so, or not. Nawm, ef hit was printed in de 
papers I jest took hit for de gospel truth an 5 be- 
lieved hit. An' Sis Mirandy, dat was where I 
got my comeuppance, an' got into trouble. Las' 
week I was readin' in de paper 'bout dat big 
doctor in Paris whut says dat we's all dest like 
whut we eats, an' dat we's bloody-minded an' 
murderin' ef we eats butcher's meat, or meek an' 
humble ef we lives on garden truck. 

" 'Honest, Sis Mirandy, dat man drawed such 
a picture of de horror of eatin' meat dat I felt 
dat I never could look a chicken in de face no 
mo', an' when I thought about de po'k chops I 
done et, an' me bein' fat, hit seemed to me lak 
I was one of dese heah cannibals whut we Daugh- 
ters of Zion sends de missionaries to. 

" 'But dat warn't all, Sis Mirandy; dis man 
says as how you can change folkses' dispositions 
by de way you feeds 'em, an' he says as how a 
diet of potatoes will make 'em lovin' an' affec- 
tionate, an' dat ef you feeds 'em on carrots hit 




€ 1 ain't been one of dem dat axed whedder 
whut I read was so" 



-Food Values 121 

will soften deir hard natures, an' make dem whut 
is given to bangin' things aroun' at home as mild 
an 5 gentle as a lamb, an' dat spinach will cure a 
hot temper, an' make dem whut is bossy easy to 
lead, whilst green peas dest fills anybody up wid 
bubblin' enthusiasm. 

" c Dat sho'ly did sound good to me, Sis Mi- 
randy. Hit sounded lak a new gospel dat was 
gwine to change matermony into one long, sweet 
song, for hit kind of delivered a woman's hus- 
band into her hands, an' as long as she could do 
de marketin', an' de cookin', an' feed her husband 
on whut she pleased, she could change him aroun' 
to suit her taste. 

" 'Now you know, Sis Mirandy, dat my ole 
man Si is a mighty servigorous man. Yessum, 
he's a double-jinted man, wid a double-jinted 
temper dat's hung on a hair trigger, an' whilst I 
ain't got nothin' to say ag'inst him, bein ? as how 
he is a good pervider, I will say dat dere is times 
when you would think dat a tarnado had done 
bust loose in our house, an' dat 'sperience has 
done taught me dat when he gits up after supper 
an 5 jams his hat over his eyes, an 5 starts for de 
do', dat hit saves trouble for me not to ax him 
whar he's gwine, or when he specs to be back. 

" Tudermo, Sis Mirandy, I can't honestly say 



122 Mirandy 

dat Si takes any interest in holdin' my hands, or 
dat he spends any time a-tellin' me how he loves 
me, an' I knows dat ef he was to pay me a com- 
pliment an' say I was a fine figger of a woman 
dat I would drop daid wid surprise. For dese, 
an' odder reasons, hit looked lak to me dat I 
done got a revelation when I reads how I could 
soften up Si's nature, an' turn him into a lover 
a-sighin' at my feet agin, by dietin' him up on 
vegetables. 

" 'Of course, Sis Mirandy, I knows dat Si is 
sorter of a hard case, an' no light treatment ain't 
gwine to do him no good, so I cooks up 'bout a 
peck of potatoes, an' half a bushel of spinach, 
an' throws in a handful of carrots, an' den I sets 
Si down to de table to eat 'em whilst I watches 
how dey wuks. 

" 'Well, dey wuks, Sis Mirandy, but not zackly 
lak de doctor proclaimed, for when Si finds out 
dere ain't no meat he axes me ef I takes him for 
a cow to eat grass, an' when I splains to him 
'bout how dese vegetables is gwine to soften up 
his disposition, an' cure his temper, an' turn him 
back into a sweetheart, he grabs up de spinach 
dish an' flings it at my haid, an' den he follows 
dat up wid de potatoes, an' I reckon I must have 
been dodgin' b'iled carrots for de nex' five min- 




'Hit looked lak to me dat I done got a revelation 
when I reads how I could soften up Si's nature, 
an turn him into a lover by dietin } him up on 
vegetables." 



Food Values 125 

iites. An' den he went out an 5 slammed de do' 
behind him, an' when he come home he done got 
tanked up wid red eye, an' been in a fight, an' 
I gethered up de balance of de cold potatoes an' 
made a poultice of 'em, an' put it on his haid 
where somebody done batted him. An' dat's de 
reason dat I's lost faith in whut I reads in de 
papers.' 

" 'Shoo, Sis Sairry Sue,' says I, 'don't you 
lose yo' faith in de cook-pot as de onliest way 
to get along wid a man. Maybe de vegetable 
cure don't tetch deir hearts, an' make a husband 
think dat you is young an' slim after you is ole 
an' fat, but dest as long as you sets him down 
to a good dinner you's gwine to look lak a angel 
to him. Dey talks a lot 'bout dis heah haylo of 
romance dat a man sees about a gal befo' he mar- 
ries her. You believe me, when I tells you dat 
de man whut always sees his wife surrounded 
wid de smell of good cookin' is got dat haylo 
business cinched. You never hears of no fust- 
class cooks in de divorsch courts. Why, my ole 
man Ike couldn't tell me an' a fried chicken 
apart, we's dat much mixed up in his 'membrance 
an' affections. 

iC 'Naw, Sis Sairry Sue,' I goes on, 'don't you 
lose yo' grip on de cook-stove, becaze a woman 



126 Mirandy 

is a gonner ef she does dat. She ain't got no 
way to hold her husband's love. When de good 
Lawd give a man fo' times as much stomach as 
heart. He handed out a tip to wives, an' de mo 5 
fools dey, ef dey don't take hit.' " 



XV 

Breakin' Up a Match 

44 Y DONE met up wid Sis' Dilsey jist now as 

A I was a perusin' an' meanderin' up de 
street," announced Mirandy, "an' she suttenly 
was in de low ground of trouble and tribula- 
tion. 

" 'What's de matter?' I axes her. 

" 'De hand of de Lawd shorely is laid heavy 
on me, Sis' Mirandy,' she spons, as she fetches a 
groan. 'My gal Sally Ann has done run off and 
got married to dat low down, triflin', no-count 
Jim Robinson.' 

" 'Huh,' says I, kinder uncertain lak, caze dere 

ain't no tellin' which way folks is gwine to face 

around 'bout a weddin'. 'I done see mo' dan one 

ma-in-law what wanted to throw hot water on 

her daughter's husband one day, hangin' on his 

neck de next, so I stays on de fence ontell I sees 

which way de cat is gwine to jump.' 

'Yes,' went on Sis' Dilsey, wipin' her eyes, 

'I reckon hit's a jedgment sent on me, Sis' Mi- 

127 



128 Mirandy 

randy, for bein' too proud sperrited an' up- 
haided. Howsomever, I done my duty 'bout 
tryin' to break off dat match. 

" 'Yassum, I argified wid dat gal ontell I was 
ready to drap in my tracks 'bout de probusness of 
marryin' a man what had to have de seat of his 
britches patched befo' he did de knees, an' what 
was better acquainted wid de crap game, an' de 
corner saloon dan he was wid de saw handle. 

" Turdermo' I told dat drunken loafer dat his 
room was worth mo' dan his company at our 
house, an' when I found out dat Sally Ann was 
a slippin' out of an evenin' to meet him on de 
sly, I ups an' locks her in her room, an' yit, if you 
believe me, after I done all dat to stop her, de 
fust news I know dat gal dumb out of de window 
and skedaddled wid him.' 

" 'I done heard tell dat you locked Sally Ann 
up in her room,' says I, 'an' I prognosticated dat 
you was tryin' to agg on de match, an' sic 'em 
on each other.' 

" 'How come you say dat?' axes Sis' Dilsey. 

" 'Caze dey ain't nuthin' lak puttin' a thing 
out of reach to make anybody set an' determined 
on havin' it,' spons I, c an' a dead corpse would 
climb out of de window to run off wid de under- 



Breakin' Up a Match 129 

taker ef you locked hit in. When I turns de key 
on a gal on account of a man hit will be to hurry 
up de weddin', an' to save buyin' her weddin' 
clothes, an' not to bust up de proceedin's.' 

" 'You can't talk any gumption into a gal 
dat's in love,' says Sis' Dilsey. 

" 'Nawm, dat you can't,' says I, c an' as fer me 
I don't waste my breath try in' to. All de same, 
dere's plenty of ways of headin' a gal off from 
makin' a fool marriage, an' dere ain't many 
matches dat you can't break off ef you goes 
about hit wid enough jubousness.' 

"But wid dat Sis' Dilsey went on her way 
a-moanin' an' a-groanin', an' a-layin' her 
troubles on de Lawd, which is a mighty easy 
way of gettin' out of de mess dat you done brung 
on yourself, an' I didn't intercede wid her no 
furder, but I done give her de true word. Most 
of de bad matches is made by de foolishness of 
de parents. Dey drives dere chillen to the altar 
instead of shooin' 'em away from hit. 

"Yassum, I reckon gals is de curiousest na- 
tion of people dat dere is in de world, an' you 
got to treat dem accordin' to dere curiousness. 
Dey ain't no good in appealin' to a gal's reason 
an' jedgment, caze she ain't got none. Neider 



130 Mirandy 

is dere any sense in talkin' to her 'bout principle, 
caze when a gal's in love de man is de principle, 
an' hit don't make no difference to her whedder 
he is a hoss thief or a preacher. Yassum, I done 
seen plenty of gals dat thought hit was real 
romantic for a man to have done served a term 
in de penitentiary. 

"An' you got to go mighty slow about abusin' 
a man onless you want to have to feed him as a 
son-in-law, caze when a gal gits her dander up, 
an' gits to fightin' fer a feller dat she thinks is a 
po', pussicuted martyr dat ev') T body's down on, 
hit's all over but her sneakin' her Sunday 
clothes out of de house, an' turnin' up de next 
mornin' wid a husband for you to support. 

"Dat's huccome dat when dat onery Sim John- 
sing begun to shine around my Ma'y Jane dat I 
didn't spend no time a layin' down de law to dat 
gal. Nawm, I didn't say nothin' to her 'bout de 
fact dat Sim was one of dem folks dat was born 
tired an' ain't never got rested enough to do an 
honest day's work yit, an' dat ef she married him 
she was des as good to have to take in washin', to 
buy his vittles, an' clothes as a nickle is good for 
a ginger cake. Nuther did I set up of nights 
a-pintin' out to her dat Sim had a mighty hank- 
er in' for red eye liquor, an 5 dat he done been in 



Breakin' Up a Match 131 

de callaboose mo' dan once. Nor yit I ain't 
shet de do' in his face, an' forbid Ma'y Jane to 
soshiate wid him. 

"Nawm, dat I don't. When Sim come I 
make him mighty welcome, an' when he go I set 
down in my cheer an' des shake my sides 
a-laughin'. 

" 'What dat you laughin' at so, Ma?' axes 
Ma'y Jane, who I see is mighty taken wid Sim. 

" c Oh, I was des a-laughin' at what funny 
bow-legs Sim's got. Ef he wanted anybody to 
set on his lap he would have to tote a board along 
wid him,' spons I. 

"Yassum, an' dat finished Sim wid Ma'y 
Jane. She could a overlooked fourteen odder 
wives, an' one of dese heah continuous drunks, 
an' a thought dat she was gwine to be de minis- 
terin' angel an' reform him, but when hit come 
to marryin' a man dat folks laughed at, dat was 
a gray hoss of anodder color. 

"An' I always kinder suspicioned dat maybe 
I throwed some cold water on de case of Tom 
Gregory, what got to hangin' aroun' our house, 
an' sho'ly did look lak he had intentions. I was 
mighty nice an' kind to Tom, an' one night I 
siddled over to him, an' told him dat I hoped 
dat when Ma'y Jane married she would get a 



132 Mirandy 

real nice, industrious husband dat was handy 
around de house, caze Ma'y Jane don't know 
nuthin' 'bout cookin', or working an' she's 
mighty puny an' sickly anyway, dough she don't 
look hit, an' hit would be a comfort to me to 
know dat her husband would git up an' git 
breakfast, an' wash de dishes, an' save her all de 
hard work. 

"Tom he says he hope so, too, but he never 
come back no mo', from which I j edged I had 
sorter discouraged him, an' dat he warn't no 
candidate for de job of waitin' on a triflin' wife. 

"An' maybe dat time what I axed Sam Smith, 
what dey call a fascinater an' a ladykiller, to 
spend fo' days at our house one hot spell in 
August, mought a had somethin' to do wid Ma'y 
Jane tellin' him to take his presents back an' go. 
Lestways, I noticed dat after dat conversational 
set-to he an' Ma'y Jane never seemed to take no 
interest in each odder's society. I disremembers 
a hotter spell. 

"Nawm, der ain't no trouble in headin' off de 
wrong fellow ef you knows how to work your 
rabbit's foot. Cose some folks say you ain't 
got no right to interfere, an' dey promulgates dat 
matches is made in heaven. My land! ef dat's 
de case, mos' of us is got mighty few friends 



Breakin' Up a Match 133 

dere, an' we better look out fo' ourselves down 
here. Dat's de way I looks at hit, an 5 acts ac- 
cordin'." 



XVI 

Theories 

"IT ONEY, did you ever notice dat de better 
A A a thing sounds de wuss hit wuks out? 
Hit's a mighty curious peculiarity, but dat's de 
difference betwixt de way things ought to hap- 
pen an 5 de way dey does happen. Yessum, dat's 
so, an 5 hit's got so dat when I hears anythin' dat 
sounds so nice an' lakly an' natchul dat hit seems 
lak hit is bound to be true, whedder hit is or not, 
right den an' dar is where I begins to sheer off, 
'caze I done took notice dat most of dese pretty 
ideas kinder balks an' buck-jumps when you 
tries to put 'em into practice. 

"Yessum, I's done had my 'speriunce mon- 
keyin' wid things dat sounded des as easy as 
rollin' off a greased log when you hear tell of 'em, 
an' dat was as hard as havin' yo' eye-teeth pulled 
when you come to doin' 'em, an' hit's sort of 
shook my faith in theories. 

"I ain't 'sputin' dat dey's all right for preach- 
ers an' lecturers an' dem what makes dere livin' 

134 



Theories 135 

by flingin' words around, but jest plain, ordinary, 
ev'ryday sort of folks lak I is, dat ain't got 
no thin' to do but to wuk for a livin', ain't got 
no business a-prodjickin' wid 'em. Dat dey 
ain't. Dey is too dangerous. 

"Ain't I buy a mellojum on de instalment plan 
'caze a man figgered hit out to me how I can 
pay for hit widout ever missin' de money or 
knowin' dat I is a-doin' of hit? Ain't I tried 
to follow de advice of dat ole maid what nor- 
rated to us at de Mothers' Club about how we 
hadn't ought to whip our chillen, but govern 
dem by de law of love an' kindness, an' dat say 
ef we never speaks harshly to de little angels 
dat dey'll always be good, an' polite, an' gentle, 
an' obedient? An' ain't Ike an' me, what's been 
united in de holy bonds of matermony for thuty 
years, almost land in de divorsh court becaze 
he was a-tryin' to act up to de words of dat lady 
dat writes in de newspaper, an 5 says dat de way to 
keep marriage from bein' a failure is for hus- 
bands and wives to treat each odder after mar- 
riage lak dey did befo'? 

"Now I axes you ef all of dem theories don't 
sound lak dey was all wool an' a yard wide an' 
wouldn't shrink in de washin', an 5 ef you 
couldn't put yo' faith in 'em lak you does in 



136 Mirandy 

de Good Book? To be sho' dey does, but what 
come of all dat smooth talk? 

"Ain't I still takin' in washin' to pay for dat 
mellojum? Ain't I had to wear out a bed-slat 
an 5 bust a rollin'-pin on dem chillen befo' I gets 
'em back whar dere was any livin' in de house 
wid 'em? Ain't I still a-lookin' at Ike slant- 
wise, an' a-wonderin' if he ain't got a onesy 
conscience dat made him dat confectionery all 
of a sudden to me, becaze hit ain't natchul for 
a married man to hand out dat kind of talk to 
his wife? 

" 'Tain't dat I is a doubtin' Thomas, but I is 
got my suspicions, an' when dey comes a-prog- 
nosticatin' to me wid dere new-fangled idees 
about how you could bring on de millennium 
ef only you followed dere prescription, I des 
sets still in my chair an' fans myself, becaze 
I knows dat somewhar or anodder down de road 
dere theories is gwine to hit some little hard fact, 
an' bust up. Yessum, de theories would be all 
right ef dere warn't no facts, but when de two 
runs up ag'inst each odder dere sho'ly is a 
smash-up, an' when hit's over hit ain't de fact 
dat's hurt. 

"Now dere's dat mother business. Hit cer- 
tainly did sound good to me de fust time I went 




( De speaker was one of dese heah stringy 
ole pullets." 



Theories 139 

to one of dere meetin's an 5 heered about de new 
way of raisin' chillen by de law of love an' 
kindness. De speaker was one of dese heah 
stringy ole pullets dat didn't look lak she never 
is had any pussonal experience in de baby busi- 
ness but de way she promulgated de doctrin' 
sho'ly was upliftin'. Dere jest warn't nothin', 
comin' or goin', backwards or forrads, dat she 
didn't know about raisin' chillen. 

"She told about de-higher nature of chillen, 
an' how you must never say 'must' to a chile, 
an' how you would break hits proud spirit ef 
you whipped a chile, till my eyes fairly bulged 
out, 'caze I done been wrastlin' wid de chile 
proposition for lo, dese years, an' I done found 
out dat de only way I's ever been able to 
reach my chillen's finer feelin's is wid de hard 
end of a shingle. 

"An' den de speaker, who suttinly must have 
been de seventh daughter of a seventh daugh- 
ter, she was so wise, told us dat de 
way to keep a chile from disobeyin' you was 
never to tell hit to do any thin', but jest kind 
of insinuate dat you'd take hit as a favor ef 
hit would do what you wanted hit to do ef hit 
felt lak doin' dat way, anyway. Furdermo' she 
'lows dat de way to act when a chile sassed you 



140 Mirandy 

was to set hit a good example by answerin' back 
polite instead of knockin' hit over wid a stick 
of stove-wood, which is de way I's proned man- 
ners into my chillen- — an' dere ain't nary a one 
of dem dat dast hand me any back talk. 

"Well, I went home des sloshin' over wid dem 
lovely new theories about how to raise chillen, 
an' ef you'll believe me, hit warn't three days 
befo' Ma'y Jane was a-sassin' me to my face, 
an' Thomas Jefferson Abr'am Lincoln was 
a-stayin' out at night, an' little Teddy Rooster- 
felt was a-kickin' about what he had to eat, 
an' dere was de wust lot of little devils in dat 
house dat you ever seed, an' den I see dat whilst 
dat theory about raisin' chillen by love sounded 
mighty good, hit didn't wuk servigerous enough 
on de constitution of real healthy chillen, an' 
den I waded into 'em wid a bed-slat. 

"Co'se dat lady speechifyer was mighty wise, 
an' I ain't 'sputin' what she said about moral 
persuasion in raisin' chillen. I s'pec's hit's des 
de thing for dese heah weak-eyed, puny little 
chillen what answers to de name of Percy an' 
ain't got enough spirit to do nothin' but set still 
an' keep clean an' mind ev'rybody dat speaks to 
'em. But when you comes to raisin' one of 
dese heah pot-licker an' b'iled greens chillen, 




"Little Teddy Roosterfelt was a-kickin y about 
what he had to eat." 



Theories 143 

what ain't never been sick a day in hits life an' 
is full of probishness, I's tyin' my faith to a hick- 
oty switch instead of moral influences. Yessum, 
when a chile's good de law of kindness is good 
enough for him, but when he's bad you wants 
to turn him across yo' knee an' argify wid him 
wid de fust thing dat comes handy. 

"An' you can't put no mo 5 faith in dem theories 
about how to be happy dough married dan you 
can in de advice about how to raise chillen. Hit 
sounds mighty nice and plausible while folks 
tells dem what's been married for years, dat de 
way to keep dere husband or wife in love wid 
'em is to act kinder skittish an' coquettish, lak 
folks does when dey is courtin'. 

"Me, I had enough sense not to take any stock 
in dat doctrine, but Ike, he is a believer. Dere 
ain't nothin' dat he can't swallow ef hit is told 
him by a man in a black coat wid a stove-pipe 
hat an' a oily voice, or ef he reads hit in de news- 
paper. Dat's de reason dat I knowed dat trou- 
ble warn't far off when Ike comes home de odder 
night wid a sort of far-away look on his face, 
an' begins castin' sheep's eyes at me whilst I 
was a-cookin' de supper. 

CC I never let on dat I notice anythin', how- 
some ver, an' he didn't say nothin' ontel de 



144 Mirandy 

dishes was washed up, an 5 den he called me in 
de odder room, an' jumps out from behind de 
do 5 , an' gives me a smackin' kiss right on de 
mouth. 

" c Huh,' says I, c you needn't think dat you 
can git 'roun' me dat way, an' borry any 
money, caze I done save up dat fo' dollars to 
buy little Teddie Roosterfelt a new suit of 
clothes. Furdermo' hit goes into clothes, an' 
not into de crap game, an' dat's de word wid 
de bark on hit.' 

" c Oh, Mirandy,' says he, in a hurt voice, 
'how kin you talk dat way to me when I was 
jest actin' lak I did in de days when I was 
a-courtin' you?' 

"Wid dat he sets down on de sofy, an' pulls 
me down beside him, an' rollin' up his eyes 
like a dyin' calf, he says as he squooze my han' : 

u 'Dis little soft han' shall do no harder wuk 
dan smoothin' 1113^ fevered brow, or nestle in my 
own when de evenin' falls.' 

" 'Well,' spons I, c ef I don't disremember, 
dat han' is done mo' washin', an' scrubbin', an' 
wrastlin' wid de pots an' pans dan hit has nestlin' 
in de thuty yeahs senst we was married.' 

"But Ike went on lak he was in a tranch, 
an' didn't heah me. 



Theories 145 

* 'Hit shall be de aim of my life/ says he, 
'to protect you from ev'y harsh wind dat blows, 
an' guard yo' woman's weakness wid my man's 
strength. 5 

" 'Whar's dat bucket of coal I axed you to 
fetch up dis mawnin, an' you 'low dat I'se dest 
as able to tote hit up de steps as you is"?' I axed 
him, but Ike flung hisself on de flo' on his knees, 
and begun kissin' de hem of my dress. 

" 'Angel face! Darling! Honey bird!' he 
sort of moaned, lak he had de misery in his chist, 
'you're de only woman I ever loved, de only 
one I shall ever love.' 

" 'All de same/ says I, 'I'se got my suspicion 
'bout who give Ma'y Jane Jones dat flower 
bonnet/ an' wid dat I begins to back towards 
de do'. 

: ' 'Light of my life, whar is you gwine?' says 
Ike, wid his hand on his heart. 

" 'I'se gwine for de doctor,' spons I, 'for you 
sholy has gwine out of yo' haid, an' whar you 
belongs is in de bughouse, an' not in de fambly 
circle.' 

"Den Ike splains to me dat he's been readin' 
in de paper 'bout how one of dese heah heart 
throb ladies says dat a man ought to keep up 
handin' out de same sort of talk to his wife dat 



146 Mirandy 

he did to his sweetheart when he was a courtin 5 
her. 

" 'Shoo, 5 says I, 'dem folks whut give dat kin 5 
of advice ain't never mixed up none wid mater- 
mony. Dere ain 5 t no man can pass out de same 
brand of soft soap to his wife dat he did 
to his lady love. Dere 5 s too many facts in de 
way. Besides she done sampled hit, an 5 her 
faith's sort of shook. 5 

" 'I don't know how hit is/ says Ike, who was 
mighty cast down in his mind, 'dat advice 
sounded lak hit was all to de good, and would 
wuk like a house afire, but when I tried to put 
hit into practice, hit did seem to sort of slip a 
cog. 5 

" 'Don't you mind, ole man, 5 I says, 'dat's 
de way wid all dem theories. Dey looks mighty 
fine, but dey ain't no prop an 5 stay in real life, 
dey always gives way under you when you be- 
gins to lean on 5 em. 5 55 



XVII 

Canned Voices 

44 T AND sakes," exclaimed Mirandy, "I 
I J don't know wfrat we all is a-comin' to, 
but hit looks lak to me dat ef folks don't stop 
inventin' things dere won't be no peace an' res' 
in dis world nor de next. 

"Now, dere's dat talkin' machine what dey 
calls de funnygraph, an' what looks lak a cross 
between a tin horn an' a work box. Hit was 
skeery enough, de Lawd knows, to see hit give a 
kind of hump to hitself, an' den bus' out singin', 
or a-preachin', or spoutin' tin pan music dat put 
yo' teeth on aidge, but ef anybody saw fitten to 
afflict deirselfs wid one of 'em, hit warn't no- 
body else's business, an' you could kinder pass 
'em by lak you does dem what performs on de 
pianola. 

"Dey brought deir troubles down on deir own 
haids, an' whilst you might cas' round in yo' 
mind a-wonderin' how long hit would be befo' 
one of dem funnygraphs would Ian' em in de 

147 



148 Mirandy 

crazy house, still you didn't have no cause to pity 



'em. 



"But dat was becaze you hadn't prognosti- 
cated de true inwardness of dat contraptshun, 
for hit ain't nothin' mo' nor less dan a hant. 

"Yassum, hits de conjur, an' no mistake, an' 
dere ain't no way to git away from hit alive or 
dead. I always was suspicious of hit, an' now I 
knows, an' ef Ike was to bring one of dem things 
home wid him hit would be me for de tall 
timber. Yassum, you would see one fat ole 
nigger woman breakin' de record at skedad- 
dlin'. 

"What makes me say what I does is dis — las' 
night Ma'y Jane was a-readin' in de paper to me 
'bout dat woman out in Colorado what's puttin' 
in de time whilst she's dyin' a slow an' lingerin' 
death by talkin' in a funnygraph, so dat when 
she's dead an' gone all her husband is got to do 
is des to turn on de machine, an' shet his eyes, 
an' dere she'll be a-handin' him back talk out of 
de grave, so to speak. 

" 'My Gord,' says I when I hears dat, 'dat po' 
man sho' has got my sympathy, an' what his 
sufferin's is gwine to be is somethin' dat I 
trembles to think 'bout, as he sets up a evenin' 
wid de goose flesh comin' out on de back of his 



Canned Voices 149 

neck, an' his ha'r a-risin' on his scalp, as he 
listens to de voice of his departed Mariar a-tryin' 
to boss him from de cemetery ! 

" 'Yit he won't da'r not to turn on de machine, 
for he can't look dat funnygraph in de eye 
a-knowin' dat hit is loaded to de gyards wid her 
las' words dat hit is bustin' to turn loose.' 

" 'Dat's so/ 'spon§ Ike, 'hit looks lak dey was 
tryin' to take away all de comfort from de mourn- 
ers.' 

" C I calls hit sweet,' says Ma'y Jane, what is a 
gal, an' is got romantic notions. 'Think of de 
rapture of hearin' once mo' de voice dat is 
stilled !' 

" 'Humph,' 'sclaims Ike, wid a meanin' glance 
at me, T ain't never yit seed no married man dat 
felt any call to can de conversation of his wife. 
Mos' of 'em gits all dey wants of hit as dey goes 
along, an' at de funeral dere's a sort of a peaceful 
feelin' steals over 'em as dey recommembers dat 
de voice dat has done wo' itself to a frazzle a-tel- 
lin' dem of deir faults is hished forever. 

" 'I hates to criticise a lady, but ef you axes 
my opinion of dat Colorado woman, I'se bound 
to sav dat she's takin' a mighty unfair advan- 
tage of her husband.' 

: ' 'Maybe, 5 says I, 'he's sech a po' onery, shift- 



150 Mirandy 

less sort of a creeter dat she couldn't git through 
specifyin' her opinion of him in one life time. 

" 'Or maybe he's lak some folks dat I could 
name ef I wanted to, dat would drap all of his 
money in crap games, an' go traipsin off after 
yaller gals wid straight front figgers an' marshall 
waves, cepin' dat hit gives him de shivers to think 
what his wife is gwine to say ef she ketches him. 

" Tor what does de Good Book say on dis 
pint: "De fear of his wife is de beginnin' of 
virtue wid a man." ' 

" 'I ain't a 'sputin' hit,' says Ike, 'but, all de 
same, I sticks to hit dat a woman says all she's 
entitled to say whilst she's alive, an' dat when 
she is dead an' gone her husband is got de right 
to some peace an' res'. I know dat when I'se a 
widower, an' begins to sorter feel my freedom, 
dat ef any funnygraph gits to monkeyin' wid me 
in de ole familiar tones dat rips a man up de 
back lak a buzz saw when he comes home 'bout 
three o'clock in de mawnin', dat I lay dat I'll 
fetch hit one swipe wid de ax, an' smash hit into 
smithereens. 

" 'Co'se I specks dat jest at fust dat de funny- 
graph mought be a comfort to de bereaved wid- 
ower, caze de house would seem kind of quiet 
an' lonesome widout nobody to quarrel wid, an' 



Canned Voices 151 

to ax him what he did wid dat two bits she let 
him have out of his pay envelope, an' to remind 
him dat everything dat he laks to eat is bad for 
his stummick, an' dat he can't fool her by chewin' 
cloves, caze she knows de smell of beer when she 
sniffs hit. 

" 'But after he gits over de habit of pullin' 
off his shoes at de front do' an' sneakin' in of a 
night, hit would be mighty wearin' jest as he 
settled hisself in de parlor wid his pipe, an' a 
glass, an' a few friends to enjoy a little game, to 
hear de funnygraph start up wid de remarks dat 
de dear departed was accustomed to makin' 'bout 
dem what flung away deir money in games of 
chance, an' got too famillous wid de demon rum, 
an' 'sociated wid dem low down folks lak de 
company what was present. 

" 'No, Mirandy,' says Ike, 'don't you put yo'- 
self to no trouble to go talkin' no las' words in a 
funnygraph for me, becaze in case de Lawd 
should see proper to remove you fust, I'll try to 
wrastle along on what I kin remember of de 
things dat you is already done said to me whilst 
you was alive, an' yo' tongue was in good workin' 
order. You ain't got a thing to reproach yo'- 
self wid on dat score, for ef dere is anything dat 
ought to been said 'bout my faults an' weak- 



152 Mirandy 

nesses dat you ain't said, I dis remembers what 
hit could be. 

" 'Furdermo',' says he, 'dat funnygraph busi- 
ness whar de dead keeps on a-talkin' to you is a 
flyin' in de face of Providence. When de Lawd 
stills a voice, he wants hit to stay still, becaze de 
one dat's had to endure hit has got enough of 
hit.' 

" 'Amen,' 'spons I, 'an' dat's de reason dat I'se 
tryin' to say everything I got to say to you whilst 
I'se here, an' you dasn't shut me up.' " 



XVIII 

Woman's Tears 

" <QIS MIRANDY,' says Sis Hannah Jane 
O to me de odder night, 'has you done took 
notice dat women don't cry so much in deses days 
as dey used to"?' 

" 'Dat's de true word, Sis Hannah Jane,' I 
spons; 'tears is sort of gone out o' fashion. 
An' yit dere's des' as much to weep over as dere 
ever was, for I ain't observed dat dere is any 
shortenin' up in de crop of good- fo' -no thin' hus- 
bands dat ain't no use in de Lawd's world but as 
tanks, an' of triflin' chillun dat deir maws is got 
to take in washin' to suppo't.' 

" 'Dat's so/ says Sis Hannah Jane, 'dere's 
des' as much for women for to weep over as dere 
ever was; an' yit dey don't do hit. Or ef dey 
does cry, dey cries in private. Why, when we 
wus gals, Sis Mirandy, a lady pusson dat warn't 
always bustin' into tears ev'ytime anythin' went 
wrong was looked at sort of slantwise, an' folks 
kin' o' whispered dat dere was somethin' curis 
an' onnatcheral about her; but nowadays when 

153 



154 Mirandy 

folks sees a . female a-moppin' of her eyes in 
public, let alone heavin' real sobs, dey lambasts 
her for bein' a fool an' not havin' any mo' taste 
dan to take on dat way whar people can see her, 
to say nothin' of disturbin' of de peace.' 

" Dat's a fact,' spons I. 'Hit used to be dat 
a woman's idee of her whole duty to her f ambly 
was to salt 'em down in brine; an' so, no matter 
whut they did, she cried over 'em. An' de 
measure of her affection for her chillun an' hus- 
band was a quart measure of her tears.' 

" 'May be de reason dat divorsch is so common 
in dese days is becaze women is put up deir 
handkerchiefs an' got out a summons to de co't 
for deir husbands,' says Sis Hannah Jane. 'I 
done took notice dat dem women whut is real 
free weepers git so much fun out of cryin' dat 
dey kin' of cherishes deir misery, an' would feel 
real deprived ef de 'casion of deir tears was taken 
away from 'em.' 

" 'May be so,' spons I, 'but I'se got my 
'spicions 'bout dese heah weepers. You take hit 
from me, Sis Hannah Jane, dat de woman whut 
ain't nothin' but a hydrant of salt water dat's 
got de tap always turned on ain't got nothin' to 
her dat you can lay yo' han' on. She's lak Sis 
Caline,' 



Woman's Tears 155 

" ( "Hit's a sad case dat I has shed a barrel of 
tears over, Sis Mirandy," Sis Caline says a 
tellin' 'bout some po' fambly, an' a-snifflin' 
through her nose. 

" ' "Dat sho is a lot of tears," spons I, "but 
whut is you give dat po' fambly, Sis Caline," I 
says, "for I ain't never heard yet dat dere was any 
nourishment in tears. Seems to me lak hit's 
mighty slim diet; an' hit would be mo' com- 
fortin' to dem hongry chillum ef you would quit 
cryin' a while an' git busy cookin' 'em up some- 
thin' to eat an' gittin' together a bundle of clothes 
for 'em." 

" 'But Sis Caline takes out all her sympathy in 
cryin' over de afflicted; an' you ain't never heard 
her sob none wid her pocket-book. Naw'm, I 
'specs dere ain't no cheaper way of helpin' folks 
dan to cry over 'em. An' de funny part of hit is, 
if you do cry over 'em, ev'ybody says whut a 
kind, good, sympathetic heart you have got; an' 
dey don't take notice dat all you draps in de con- 
tribution plate is a tear of pity. 

" 'An' I don't take no stock, nuther, Sis Han- 
nah Jane, in de water cure for prodigal chillun. 
All my life I's done see mothers weepin' over 
wayward sons an' daughters, an' I done noticed 
dat dem tears runs off dem bad chillun jest lak 



156 Mirandy 

water off'n a duck's back. Hit's mighty touchin', 
Sis Hannah Jane, to see a po' mother's tears, but 
de trouble is dat dey touches de wrong party, an' 
any woman whut thinks dat she can make over 
her chillun by hydraulic pressure is sho' got water 
on de brain. 

ef 'Hit's all right for mothers to weep over de 
sins of deir chillun, but whut dey wants to use 
is not a handkerchief, but a bed-slat. Dat's de 
way I wep' over mine when Ma'y Jane an' 
Thomas Jefferson Abraham Lincoln got to de 
Smart Ellicky age whar dey thought dey knowed 
mo' dan I did an' took to runnin' round o' nights. 
Yassum, I jest waited up for 'em one 
night, but dere was fire in my eyes instid 
of tears; an' when dey got home, I done mo' 
in three minutes wid a trunk-strop to appeal to 
deir higher natures an' head 'em in de direction 
of de straight an' narrow path dan you could 'a' 
done by weepin' over 'em a solid month. 

" 'Naw'm. I ain't got much faith in water- 
power. Dis am de day of steam an' gasoline — 
an' I kin supply dem both in runnin' my house.' 

" T ain't a-disputin' de wharforeness of yo' 
prognostications, Sis Mirandy,' spons Sis Han- 
nah Jane, 'but all de same, hit's my opinion dat 
women is done throwed away de best graft dey 



Woman's Tears 157 

ever is gwine to have when dey turned off deir 
tear-ducts. For one thing, dere ain't no odder 
way to wuk a man lak de water way. Dere's 
somethin' in a woman's tears dat jest dissolves 
his backbone an' makes him a kin' of pulp in yo' 
hands, dat you khj. do wid as you please.' 

" 'Dat's befo' you'se tied up wid him, Sis Han- 
nah Jane,' says I. 'Don't forgit dat. Befo' 
marriage, when you cries, a man axes you to 
weep on de second button of his vest; an' he 
puts his arm aroun' you an' pats you on de back 
an' says, 'To' little darlin', don't cry." But 
after marriage, when you cries, he says, 'Tor 
de Lawd's sake stop dat howlin' an' quit makin' 
a fool of yo'self." An' he slams de do' behind 
him an' goes to de corner saloon.' 

• 'All de same,' goes on Sis Hannah Jane, 
'dere ain't nothin' in dis world or de next dat 
a man is as 'fraid of as he is of a cryin' woman; 
an' why dem Sufferinyettes in England ain't had 
enough sense to set down an' weep on de do' 
steps of de House of Commons beats me. Dey 
would have done floated demselves into de fran- 
chise on a sea of tears long ago. Dem men 
would 'a' dried deir eyes on de ballot, jest to get 
rid of 'em.' 

" 'Dat's right,' spons I, 'tears is de one argy- 



158 Mirandy 

ment you can't answer. I done tried dat many 
a time wid my ole man when we had a disputa- 
tion an 5 I was gittin' de wust of hit. I dest 
busted out crying an' he'd say, "Maybe I'se been 
a brute. Do lak you want to." ' 

" 'Yassum,' spons Sis Hannah Jane, 'dat's 
whut makes me say whut I do — dat hit sho is 
encouragin' dat our sex is got along past de 
cry-baby stage; but all de same, when a woman 
quits weepin' she's done throwed away de best 
weapon she's got. An' one dat she could always 
hit a man wid below de belt.' " 



XIX 

Women Pppping the Question 

44 T^\E odder night," remarked Mirandy, "Sis 

U Alviry, whut is one of dese heah thin 
stringy, ole pullets dat oughter been in de fryin' 
pan of matermony long ago, dropped roun' to 
my house, an' whilst we was a discoursin' on 
de rights an' de wrongs of our sect, she say: 

" 'Well, thank Heaven, Sis Mirandy, dat dis 
is leap year, an' hit gives women a chanst to up 
an' pop de question to de men dat dey would 
like to have for husbands.' 

" 'Huh,' spons I, for whilst I believes in de 
rights of my sect I ain't got much faith in our 
bein' able to foreclose on 'em, leastways whar 
men is concerned. 

" c Yes,' goes on Sis Alviry, f I don't know 
nothin' dat shows whut po', down-trodden, fe- 
male worms of de dust we women is so much as de 
fact dat we ain't got even a say-so about pickin' 
out de man dat we'se got to live wid, an' cook, an' 
scrub, an' wash, an' iron for, an' take his back 

159 



160 Mirandy 

talk for thuty or forty years. Yassum, we 
women ain't got no say-so in choosin' our hus- 
bands. All dat we can do is jest to set aroun', 
an' look willin', wid our fingers crossed for luck, 
an' put ourselves in de attitude to receive de 
blessing, in case any man is kind enough to come 
along an' ax us to tie up wid him.' 

" Dat's so,' says I, c an' dese days, wid po'k 
chops a-soarin' up in price lak dey had wings, 
de men is mighty slow a-comin' along.' 

" C I tell you, Sis Mirandy,' pursues Sis 
Alviry, c dat ef ev'ry woman could pop de 
question, an' git her ruther in de way of a hus- 
band instid of havin' to take whut she can git, 
dere wouldn't be so many slack wives in de 
world, becaze many a woman takes out on de 
po', onfortunate man she did git her spite in 
not gittin' de one she wanted, an' had her eye 
on. Nuther, would dere be so many fool mar- 
riages, becaze a man picks out a wife, lak he 
does a chany dish, by de looks of hit, an' de paint 
on hit — an' den he goes home, an' raises a ruc- 
tion, becaze whut he got ain't a iron pot. But 
a woman is got mo' love sense, dan a man has, 
an' she chooses a husband by de way he'll wear 
and come out in de wash of matermony.' 

" 'Sis Alvirv,' says I, 'bein' as how men is 



Women Popping the Question 163 

been sort of slow 'bout proposin' to you. is you 
gwine to up an' pop de question to one of dem?' 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' she spons, 'ax me no ques- 
tions, an' I'll tell you no lies, but I will say dat 
de case of Brer Eben, wid dat house full of 
chillun, an' no ma to look after 'em, goes to my 
heart, an' ef he don't know a woman dat's dest 
cut out to be a good step-ma, an' wife, I does. 
Furdermo' de forgiven name of dat woman is 
Alviry.' 

' 'After Sis Alviry was gone, my daughter 
Ma'y Jane up an' say: 'Ma, do you believe in 
women poppin' de question?' 

" 'Well/ I spons, 'women has got de right 
to propose, but Land of Goshen, a woman sholy 
is lackin' in probusness ef she has to pop de 
question herself. Any woman whut can't tole 
a man on to de pint whar he axes her hisself 
ain't got enough sense to lead a blind goose to 
water. She suttinly is a dumb woman, an' she's 
got so little gumption dat she might jest as well 
been bawn a man to start wid. 

" 'Shoo, chile, der's leventy-leven ways to 
make a man propose, an' ev'y one of 'em wuks — 
caze heah's all of we all married women to prove 
hit. 

" 'Cose women lay mighty low 'bout dis, an* 



164 Mirandy 

gives hit out dat de men dey marry jest chased 
J em up to de altar an 5 cotch 'em, but you better 
believe dat we wouldn't have no call to shake 
our feet at many more weddins ef it was jest 
left to de men to pop de question. Yassum, 
ev'y man dat's safe in de matermonial fold has 
been helped over de fence by some woman. 

" 'Honey, did you ever notice de curis ways 
a man acts when he pops de question? He's 
so surprised to find hisself doin' hit dat he most 
swallows his Adam's apple, an' his eyes pop 
out lak a skeered rabbit's in de brush pile. 

" 'You see de wharf oreness of hit is dis — 
when a man starts out to galavantin' aroun' wid 
a woman he ain't got no idee of marryin'. He 
jest wants to have a good time, an' he goes 
projickin' along, feelin' jes as safe as ef he had 
took out his insurance papers, an' den some day, 
fust news he knows, he hears hisself a axin' her 
ef she will let him wuk an' support her de bal- 
ance of his life. An' he don't know how hit all 
come 'bout, but de woman does. 

" 'Cose you has to use different ways wid dif- 
ferent men, for men is own brudder to de mule — 
dey's powerful apt to balk befo' de matermonial 
fence, an' some of 'em has to be coaxed, an' some 
of 'em has to be driven, an' some of 'em has to 



Women Popping the Question 165 

be skeered befo' you can make 'em take de jump 
over hit. 

" 'Now,dere was Si whut kept a hangin' aroun' 
Eliza Jane's ontel he wo' out de rockin' chairs, 
an' most et her folks into de po' house. Si was 
one of dese heah N biggoty men dat was so stuck 
on hisself dat he thought dat folks ought to be 
willing to pay out money jest to git to look at 
him, but, law, he didn't have no more idee of 
marryin' dan nothin'. 

" 'But Liza Jane, she did, so whut does she 
up an 5 do when Si was a startin' home one 
night? She busts into tears. "Whut is you 
a cryin' about"?" asks Si. "Pse a weepin'," 
spons Eliza Jane, "becaze you'se a gwine away, 
an' I won't see you on til tomorrow, an' I don't 
know how I'se a gwine to stand hit." 

" 'An' dat fotched Si, becaze he felt so sorry 
for anybody dat had to be deprived of his so- 
ciety dat befo' he knowed hit he was a tellin' 
her dat he wouldn't never leave her no mo'. 

" 'An' dere was Brer Tom Johnsing, dat was 
one of dese heah bashful men whut gits right 
ash colored when dey looks at a woman, an' 
loses deir voices when dey speaks to one. How 
you reckon Sis Mariah got him spunked up 
enough to pop de question? She didn't, but 



166 Mirandy 

ev'y time he speaks she answers "Yes," an' at 
last she guessed right. 

" 'An' I ain't a tellin' how I led Ike up to 
de proposin' pint, becaze Ike has done believe 
for thuty years dat he done hit all his lone self, 
an' dat whut brought matters to a head was 
along of me faintin', an' fallin' in his arms be- 
caze I was so skeered of a snake dat we come 
across when we was takin' a walk, an' dat by de 
time I done come to he done tole me dat he loved 
me an' axed me to marry him. 

" Ike say dat but for de accident of dat snake 
we might never have gotten married, an' I don't 
argify de pint wid him — but I specs I knows 
who put dat dead garter snake at dat particler 
spot in de road. 

" 'Naw, chile, I ain't got no opinion of a 
woman whut is got to pop de question to a man. 
She sho' do need a guardeen. 

" c An' hit wouldn't do her no good ef she did 
propose becaze all de men would say, "no," for 
dis reason — a man don't never think well of 
nothin' onless he thinks he thought of it fust. 
Dat's de reason dat ef a woman was to pop de 
question to a man he'd be dat contrary dat he 
wouldn't have her, no matter how much he 
wanted her, becaze he didn't think of her fust. 



Women Popping the Question 167 

Men sholy is curis critters, and hit suttinly does 
rub de fur de wrong way wid 'em for a woman 
to git de start of a idee wid 'em, an' de woods 
would be full of 6le maids ef women took to 
doin' de courtin'. 

" 'But shoo, daughter,' I says to Ma'y Jane, 
'don't you worry none. Whut does a woman 
wid a tongue in her head an' a cookin' stove to 
her hand, to tole a man into matermony wid, 
need wid de right, to pop de question? She 
don't have to. Any woman dat don't know no 
more dan dat 'bout how to git roun' a man 
an' manage him, ain't got no call to git married. 
Whar she belongs ain't in de holy estate. She 
was predestinated an' foreordained for de 
Spinster's Retreat.' " 



XX 

The Ethics of Clothes 

44 TT THAT was de name of dat man what 
V V Brer Jenkins is always a-talkin' 'bout 
what said dat clothes didn't make de man?" in- 
quired Mirandy. 

"I disremembers what Brer Jenkins called 
him, but maybe he knowed what he was talkin' 
'bout. Maybe clothes don't make de man, caze 
dere sho'ly ain't much for anybody to set deir 
heart on in a pair of britches dat looks lak two 
jints of stovepipes hinged together, an' a collar 
dat looks lak a busted chiny pitcher around de 
neck, and a hat dat looks lak de soup pot off of 
de stove. 

"Yassum, dere's a mighty good reason why 
men ain't carried away by what Brer Jenkins 
calls de vanity of dress. Dey ain't got nothin' 
to carry 'em away, but wid women hit's different, 
an' hit am a mighty lucky thing for dat man dat 
he didn't prognosticate 'bout clothes not makin' 
de woman, for ef he had, right den an' dere he 

would a-loss his reputation as a prophet. 

168 



The Ethics of Clothes 169 

"I ain't say in' nothin' 'bout dem fat ladies 
what de dressmakers laces down into a real slim, 
straight-front figger. Nuther is I a-talkin' 'bout 
dem bony females dat de dressmakers applies 
cotton batting to whar hit will do de mos' good. 

"Nawm, dem kind of things is a secret twixt 
a woman an' her maker, an' how she does hit an' 
what she suffers ain't nobody else's business but 
her own. 

"What I'm a-expostulatin' 'bout is de effec' 
dat clothes has on a woman, for hit suttinly am 
curis dat a woman changes her mind ev'y time 
she changes her dress. Yassum, dat's a fact, 
an' de minute I cut my eye at a woman an' see 
whedder she has got on her best Sunday go-to- 
meetin' bonnet, wid a fedder in de back an' a 
red rose standin' up in de front, or her ev'y day 
hat dat de chillen done played football wid, an' 
dat is bus' out on de side, an' hilt together wid 
a safety-pin in de top, I knows how to tackle her 
'bout her chickens gittin' into my back yard an' 
scratchin' up de sweet peas dat I'se been tryin' 
to sprout in a box. 

"Yessum, dem hats sho'ly is de straw dat 
show^s which way de wind blows, for ef de woman 
is dress up, she's gotter live up to dat ostrich 
fedder an' dat red rose an' speak me polite, an' 



170 Mirandy 

dignified, but ef she's got on dat ole slabsided 
bonnet of hers, hit don't call for nothin' an' she 
kin des sail in an' 'spressify herself lak she feels 
'bout folks dat is dat tetchous an' onneighborly 
dat dey ain't willin' for a po' little chicken to 
stray over de fence into deir measly little bit of 
a yard. 

"Yessum, when youse gwine to argufy wid a 
woman an' wants to git de best of her wait till 
you ketches her in her bes' clothes, caze you sho'ly 
is got her sewed up a sack den. 

"Yassum, clothes suttinly do effec' a woman's 
mind, an' she can't help hit, po' thing, an' what 
makes me say what I do is dat I'se des been de 
witness to a sad case. 

"Dis mawnin' Sis Hannah Jane Simpkins 
come to my house a-wailin' an' a-weepin' dat de 
hand of de Lawd was laid heavy on her. 

" 'What's de matter?' I axed her when she 
choke back her sobs long enough to drink half de 
pitcher o' beer dat I sent Thomas Jefferson for 
when I see her sorrer, for I done took notice dat 
dere ain't nothin' dat you can say to a pusson 
dat's in trouble dat is as comfortin' as passin' de 
beer can, an' sistin' on dem havin' a little drap 
mo'. 

" 'Hits my gals,' 'spons Sis Hannah Jane, 



The Ethics of Clothes 171 

* 'What's de matter wid dem?' I inquired, 
'for it always look lak to me dat ef dere was five 
lakely, sensible, industrious gals in de town hit 
was yours. Dey ain't full of foolishness lak my 
Ma'y Jane what's done been off an' got de higher 
education, an' dat turns up her nose at de wash 
tub, an' balks at de cook stove, an' shies away 
from de sewin' machine.' 

" 'Dat's de true word, Sis Mirandy,' says Sis 
Hannah Jane, as she dreens de dregs out of de 
beer can wid an air dat says dat's she's so 'flicted 
dat she don't know what she's doin', 'dat's de 
true word. Dere warn't nobody dat could turn 
off a heftier day's washin' dan my Almiry, or dat 
could flute curtains nicer dan my Sally, or was 
a better housemaid dan my Lizzie, or dat could 
sweep a room cleaner dan my Sophy, whilst Anna 
Sue was dat good a cook dat she des had to pass 
her hand over de pot to make things tasty. 

" 'But hits all over now, Sis Mirandy. Dey's 
all done knock off work, an' is settin' around 
home holdin' books in deir hands, or rollin' deir 
eyes at de ceilin', or a meanderin' an' a-perusin' 
around de street a-winkin' an' a-blinkin' at ev'y 
man dey sees/ 

" 'De Ian' sakes,' 'sclaims I, 'dey sho'ly is los 
deir minds. When did you fus take notice 



172 Mirandy 

dat dey done gone crazy? An' what makes 
'em?' 

" 'Don't ax me, 5 'spons Sis Hannah Jane, 
'hit come on sudden. You know my Lizzie's 
been a-wukkin' for a actor lady what plays on 
de stage, an' she's gwine away an' she gives Lizzie 
a whole trunk full of clothes, an' Lizzie fotch 
'em home. 

" 'Well, no sooner is Almiry put on a long 
wrapper made of lace, an' pink ribbons, an' frills, 
dat has got a trail 'bout a mile long, an' is cut 
down dat low in de neck dat hit's enough to give 
you de rheumatics just to look at hit, dan she say 
dat she feels dat she's born to be a lady an' takes 
to wonderin' ef she ain't some rich pusson's child, 
an' axes me ef I reckon she could a-got changed 
in de cradle. Fuddermo', she says she can't eat 
pork chops an' biled cabbage, an' she keeps on a 
axin' for tea lak a sick pusson, an' says dat she's 
too languid to do any mo' washin'. 

" 'Den Sally git on one dese heah tailor-made 
skirts an' shut waists an' she go out an' jine de 
golf club, an' Lizzie diked herself out in a low- 
necked ball dress, an' slip out de back do' an' go 
to de Saturday night hop instid of gittin' her 
Sunday school lesson lak she used to, an' Sophy 
gits on one of dese mussy, neglected robes an' 



The Ethics of Clothes 173 

she 'gin to roll her eyes an' screech at the melo- 
jum, an' say dat she got a call to be a opry 
singer, an' Anna Sue gits a red frock dat is kivered 
wid spangles, an' a hat dat looks lak a flower 
garden done bus' loose on hit, an' de fus news I 
know she is a-prancin' up de street, an' de dinner 
is a-burnin' on de stove. 

" 'Yas, Sis Mirandy,' goes on Sis Hannah 
Jane, f my gals is plum crazy, an' dey is des 
a-footin' hit to de asylum as fas' as dey can go.' 

" 'Shoo, Sis Hannah Jane,' 'spons I, 'don't you 
worry. Hit's des dem actor ladies' clothes dat 
is hoodooed dem gals. You go an' take dem 
frocks to de second-hand store an' sell 'em, an' 
dem gals will be a-sweepin' an' a-washin' an' 
a-cookin' agin des as soon as dey gits back into 
deir ole calico frocks.' 

"Yassum, an' dat's de way hit turned out. 
Yassum, I know all 'bout de effec' dat clothes 
has on a woman. Ef you'll notice de time when 
a woman gives her husband back talk, an' spanks 
de baby is when she ain't dressed up. 

"Now me — take me early in de mawnin' when 
I ain't tied up in no straight front an' is got on 
a Mother Hubbard, an' my sleeves rolled up, an' 
I is a servigorous woman what can lay down de 
law to a husband as well as de next; but on dem 



174 Mirandy 

evenings when I is dressed up in my silk frock, 
wid a brooch as big as a saucer dat is a picture 
of Ike, an' a gold chain around my neck, I is so 
meek an' gentle dat butter would't melt in my 
mouf, an' I lets Ike go out to de crap grame an' 
pertends dat I thinks dat he has des stepped 
around to de pra'r meetin'. 

"An' I ain't took no notice dat I am a bit 
different from odder women.'' 



XXI 

Worrying 

46 T^VE ODDER day," says Mirandy, "Sis 

-L/ Nancy, whut is one of dese heah po', 
slack, shiftless women whut looks lak dey was 
bawn wid twins an' a dirty caliker wrapper on, 
stopped me as I was a-preambulatin' home from 
de market. 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' says she wid a kind of a su- 
perior look, 'rejoice wid me for Pse done come 
through. Pse got de light at last. Pse got de 
good news of de new gospel, an' I couldn't let 
you go by widout passin' de blessin' on to you.' 

' 'Bless de Lawd for all his mercy,' spons I, 
'but whut is dis newfangled religion dat you 
done ketched dat takes away all yo' troubles?' 

" 'Pse done jine de Don't Worry Club,' she 
says, 'an' all my 'flictions is done rolled off me 
lak water off a duck's back.' 

" 'My Ian' !' 'sclaims I, 'but dat sholy is a 
miracle worker! But how does dis new faith 
wuk?' 

i75 



176 Mirandy 

cc 'De secret of de wharforeness of hit is dat 
you passes into dat state of mind after you jines 
de club, dat you don't let no thin' pester you no 
mo'. You des brushes away your worries lak 
dey was flies, an' dar you is. 

" Tse done seen de time, Sis Mirandy, when 
I traveled through de low grounds of trouble an' 
tribulation, ef things went wrong, an' de bread 
burnt in de oven, an' de meat warn't done, an' de 
chillun's clothes needed washin', an' Mose got on 
de rampage. But dat was befo' I learned de 
grip an' de passwords of de Don't Worry Club. 

" 'But now dem litle things don't trouble me 
no mo'. Ef de house ain't swept, an' de dishes 
is piled up in de sink, an' de beds ain't made, an' 
de chillun is dirty, an' Mose is a-mutterin' aroun' 
an' a-sayin' dat de only comfortable place he 
knows is de corner saloon, instid of bein' bod- 
dered about hit lak I used to, I dest sets down 
ca'm an' saterfied in a rockin' cheer, an' fixes my 
mind on de fact dat I is a charter member of de 
Don't Worry Club. 

" 'An' I used to git dem narvous spells, Sis 
Mirandy, when de rent was comin' due an' dere 
warn't no money to pay hit wid, an' den I'd feel 
mighty bad when I'd see Mabel Maud had done 
wore out de knee of her stockin', an' dat my little 



Worrying 177 

George Washington had a hole in de seat of his 
britches, an' hit would real upset me when de 
neighbors drapped in an' tole me how my chillun 
was a-cuttin' up on de street, an' prognosticated 
dat dey sholy was haided fo' de chain gang. 

" 'But I'se done riz above all of dem trifles 
sense I got de light an' jined de Don't Worry 
Club. Now I dest lays back an' takes my ease, 
an' reflects dat a hundred y'ars from now hit 
won't make a speck of difference w T hedder de 
landlord got his rent or not, or whedder my 
chillun was ragged an' dirty, or dressed up to 
beat de band, an' dat nobody can't tell nohow 
how chillun is gwine to turn out, an' so dere 
ain't no use in borrowin' trouble befo'hand 'bout 
deir gettin' into de callaboose. 

fC 'Nuther does I aggervate myself any mo' 
'bout whut we has to eat an' de cookin'. Ef I 
feels lak goin' to market in de mawnin' I does it, 
an' ef dere ain't nothin' comes up dat I'd enjoy 
do'n in de afternoon, I has a good hot dinner 
ready for Mose when he gets home from his wuk. 
But ef I don't feel inclined dat way I don't do 
hit, for I belongs to de Don't Worry Club, an' 
de things dat Mose says when I sets him down to 
cold bread an' de scraps of meat dat was lef over 
from de day befo' don't trouble me none now. 



178 Mirandy 

" 'Yassum, de Don't Worry Club sho' is a 
prop an' a staff to a married woman, an' saves her 
a lot of elbow grease an' shoe leather, for instid 
of breakin' yo' neck a-toilin' an' a-moilin' tryin' 
to please yo' husband, and have ev'ything dest 
lak he wants hit, to keep him from knockin' you, 
all you got to do is dest to elevate your mind to 
dat plane whar you don't even notice when he is 
a-lambasting you for bein' triflin'. Or if he is 
you don't keer. 

" 'Yassum, Sis Mirandy,' says she, Tse done 
found de road to peace an' happiness, an' de sign- 
bo' d dat pints de way is de Don't Worry Club.' 

" 'De way you promulgates hit,' spons I, 'hit 
sho' is a grand doctrine, but is Brer Mose a-trav- 
elin' wid you?' 

" 'No, Sis Mirandy,' Sis Nancy says, 'he ain't. 
I'se sorry to say dat he's a backslider whut's yit 
in de darkness. I'se done my best to convert 
him, an' I'se been a shinin' example right befo' 
his eyes, for I'se showed my faith by my wuks, 
but Mose is still outside of de fold, a-worryin' 
over ev'ything, an' I'se afeard dat I ain't never 
gwine to be able to lift him up to de higher life 
whar I is, for hit looks to me lak de less I worry, 
de mo' he does.' 

" 'Yassum,' I spons, 'I specks dat's de truth, 




"I worried de washbo'd so hard dat I sent Ma'y 
Jane to de female cemetery." 



Worrying 18 1 

for dat's de way I has noticed dat hit wuks out 
in most famblies.' 

" 'How's dat, Sis Mirandy,' she axes. 

" 'Well,' says I, 'dere's a lot of worryin' dat's 
got to be done in ev'ry fambly, an' ef one mem- 
ber of hit ducks his sheer, or her sheer, hit kind 
of piles de worryin' up on somebody else, an' 
dey's got to do a double amount of layin' awake 
at night a-tryin' to finger out how de rent is 
gwine to be paid, an' de grocery bills squared, 
an' de chillun kept offen de street out of de ways 
of de autermobiles. Dat's de reason dat you 
don't never see a husban' an' a wife a-gwine up 
togedder to give de right hand of fellowship in 
de Don't Worry Club. 

' Tse seed a lot of women dat belongs to hit, 
an' deir husbands was po', tired, hump-shoul- 
dered lookin' men dat had to come home and git 
dinner of a night, after dey had been hard at wuk 
all day, an' dey had to walk de baby when it had 
de colic, an' wash de chillun an' sweep de flo's, 
becaze deir wives warn't pesterin' 'bout none of 
dese little things. 

f £ An' I knows plenty of men dat is 'zorters in 
de Don't Worry Club, an' whilst dey sets up in 
de back room of de corner saloon an' eats free 
lunch, an' drinks beer whenever anybody else 



182 Mirandy 

will pay for hit, an' speechifies 'bout de folly of 
troublin' trouble ontil trouble troubles you, deir 
wives is a-takin' in washin' to suppo't de fambly. 

" 'Yassum,' says I, 'whar you finds a wife or 
a husband dat belongs to de Don't Worry Club 
you will find dat de odder one of de firm is de 
president of de Mo' Worry Club. An' dey's 
elected for life, too.' 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' says Sis Nancy, heavin' a 
sigh, Tse afeard dat you ain't in sympathy wid 
de cause, an' dat I can't git you to jine our noble 
s'ciety.' 

" 'Dat you can't,' says I, Tse a good, fust-class 
free-hand worrier, an' I'se proud of hit, an' I 
wouldn't change ef I could. I'se always been 
a-worryin' housekeeper, an' dere ain't a better 
kep' house in dis town dan mine. 

" 'I'se always been whut dey call a worryin' 
mother — an' dere ain't none of my chillun dat 
warn't kep' clean, an' well fed. 

" 'Den, when dey got a little bigger, I worried 
'bout deir eddication, an' I worried de washbo'd 
so hard wid my pestiments 'bout hit dat I sent 
Ma'y Jane to de female cemetery whar she got 
de higher culchah, an' Thomas Jefferson to de 
college whar he's gwine to graduate on de foot- 
ball team. 



Worrying 183 

" 'Yassum, give me de worriers ev'ytime. 
Dey are de folks dat does things.' 

" 'Don't you believe in de Don't Worry Club, 
Sis Mirandy?' axes Sis Nancy. 

" 'Well, Sis Nancy,' says I, C I reckon de Don't 
Worry Club is a mighty good thing for dem dat 
is too triflin' to do anything, anyway. De least 
dey can do is to keep from pesterin' de worriers 
dat is doin' deir wuk for 'em, an' havin' to wuk 
overtime at worryinY " 




'I'd feel mighty bad when V d see Mabel Maud 
had done wore out de knee of her stockin* " 



XXII 

Adamless Edens 

4 4 IV /I" EN sho'ly is lackin' in gumption when 

XVX dey git to prognosticatin' 'bout 

women,' 5 remarked Mirandy. "Now, a woman 

kin see right through a man clean to his collar 

button, but ef you'll give a man forty guesses 

'bout what a woman likes, or what she's gwine 

to do, or what she thinks 'bout anything, he'll 

hit hit wrong forty-one times. 

"An' 'sperunce won't teach a man nothin' 

'bout a woman neither. 

'Tse been married to Ike for thurty years, an' 

I'se 'sprecified myself ev'y day of dat time 'bout 

my ruthers, yit when Ike wants to pacify me 

he fetches me home a nickel's worth of choc'lates, 

when I hates candy, an' hones after pickles, an' 

when he goes to git me a frock, he buy stripes, 

dough my taste runs to spots, an' den becaze I 

takes de skillet to him instid of offering up 

thanks befo' him for somethin' I don't want an' 

ain't got no use for — for ef dere is anything dat 

riles even a meek, humble, gentle sperrited 

184 



Adamless Edens 185 

woman lak I is hit is a misfit present — he 
hunches his shoulders up, an 5 says dat women is 
so curis dat dere ain't no onderstandin' of 'em. 

"An' Ike's jest cut off de same bolt of cloth 
as all de balance of de men. Las' night Brer 
Jenkins was at my house, an' he put on dat kind 
of smirkin', smilin' I got-you-at-las' look dat a 
man wears when he's gwine to try to say some- 
thin' funny 'bout women comin' a mile off — an' 
he says: 

" 'Well, Sis Mirandy, I 'specks you club 
women is kinder gittin' yo' trunks packed, an' 
ready to start, ain't you?' 

" 'Whar to?' I axes. 

" To dat place out in Siam dat de travelers 
has jest diskivered dat ain't got narry a man in 
hit. Dey says hits a mighty pretty place, all 
full of fruits an' flowers an' wid no men in hit 
to muss up de tidies on de sofa, an' smoke in de 
parlor, an' so I kinder figgered hit out dat all 
you women what is complainin' 'bout de way 
men does, an' layin' all yo' troubles on 'em, 
would hike out for dat Adamless Eden on de 
fust train.' 

Cf 'Huh,' spons I, 'I don't believe dere is any 
sech place, for whar dere is a Adamless Eden, 
dere's gwine to be a Eveless Eden, too. 



186 Mirandy 

" T lay dat ef dere hadn't a been no Adam a 
hangin' around in de bushes to make things in- 
terestin' for Eve, hit wouldn't a took no sarpent 
to have tempted her out of de garden. She'd a 
broke out herself. Women ain't changed none, 
an' you can't make me believe dat you could pen 
up a lot of live ladies in a place whar dere warn't 
no men. Not whilst de walkin' was good, no- 
way/ 

" ' Why, I thought dat you women was al- 
ways a layin' all yo' trials an' tribulations on 
de men,' says Brer Jenkins, 'dat's what de sisters 
what comes a-weepin' an' a-moanin' to me al- 
ways says/ 

" 'Dat's de true word,' 'sponds I, 'an' dat's 
de reason dat we can't do widout men, an' dat's 
why a woman what has got mos' any kind of 
onery husband is happier dan a ole maid. She's 
des got a sorter natchul misery instid of a bor- 
rered one. 

" 'She's got a right to weep over ner sorrers, 
an' call for de sympathy of de congregation 
'bout de way she's treated, whilst hit is des as 
much as a ole maid's character is wuth to her 
to shed a single tear in public. She ain't got 
no husband, an' people wonders what on earth 
she kin be worryin' 'bout. 



Adamless Edens 187 

" 'An' dat ain't all,' says I; f a husband is 
wuth de price des to have somebody to lay ev'y- 
thing on. Yassir, when things goes wrong hit 
sho'ly am a comfort to have somebody dat you 
kin light into, an' lambast, becaze hit has done 
rained when you wanted to go to a picnic, or you 
is dropped yo' bes' chany bowl an' broke hit. 

" Hit don't make no difference whedder de 
husband has anything to do wid hit or not. 
He's dere, right convenient, an' he sho'ly is a 
comfort. My Ian', but I suttinly does pity dem 
women what, when dey puts de lef foot out of 
de bed in de mawnin', an' gits up cross an' can- 
tankerous an' des achin' for a fight, dat ain't 
got no husband dat dey kin take deir temper out 
in jawin'. Yassir, hit's sech times as dat, dat 
a woman knows dat matermony is a divinely in- 
stituted ordinance, for ef hit hadn't been for 
havin' Ike dat I had a legal right to sass, dere 
has been times dat I'd a bio wed up an' bus'. 

" 'Yassir, dat's so. A husband suttinly am 
a handy thing to have around de house, an' mo' 
over you can't make a real home widout one. 
You des sorter got to flavor up de atmosphere 
wid a man, an' a few cuss words, an' a ole pipe 
to give hit any taste. 

" 'I done been to plenty of dese heah manless 



188 Mirandy 

homes dat ole maids tries to make, whar dere 
ain't no dirt tromped in, nor no ole clothes lef 
around, an' you don't have to kinder sleep wid 
one ear open, to listen to somebody fumblin' for 
de key hole long towards 2 o'clock in de mawnin', 
an' my goodness sakes alive, dere warn't no mo' 
interest to de livin' dan dere is in a pot of soup 
dat you done lef out de pepper, an' de salt, an' 
de onions. 

"Cose I ain't sayin' dat men ain't a lot of 
trouble. Dey is. I is been mad enough wid 
Ike to kill him, but I ain't been mad enough wid 
him to wish dat I hadn't a married him, an' dat's 
de way dat women feels toward men. Dey 
blames 'em for deir sorrers, an' yit dey wouldn't 
do widout 'em ef dey could. Ef dere wasn't 
any men, dere wouldn't be any broken hearts, an' 
ruined lives, an' women wouldn't have to slave 
deirself to death cookin', an' sewin', an' mendin', 
an' patchin', an' dey would be de mos' miser- 
ablest creeters in de world.' 

" 'Women is got lots of curis peculiarities,' 
says Brer Jenkins, c an' no man kin onderstand 
'em.' 

" 'An dat's God's mercy to us,' 'spons I, 'for 
ef men did, dey would wuk us to death, but,' 
says I, 'don't you believe dat dere is gwine to 



Adamless Edens 189 

be any emigration of de female population to 
dat Adamless Eden, but ef you is heard of any 
Eveless Eden, whar women is scace, I knows a 
plenty of sisters dat you could sell tickets to befo' 
sundown. 

" A Adamless Eden— huh! 5 " 



XXIII 

Why Women Can't Vote 

44 T^\E reason dat women ain't got no say so 

-L/ in de government," said Mirandy, "is 

becaze you has got to wuk dish heah votin' 

machine wid yo' spine, an' women ain't got no 

mo' spine dan a fishin' worm. The trouble wid 

women is dat dey ain't got no backbone, an' dey 

ain't to blame for dat becaze hit's a long of de 

way dat dey was made. Now last night Brer 

Jenkins preached in our chu'ch 'bout dat man 

down in Egypt, or some odder foreign city, what 

is a diggin' around in de place whar de Gyarden 

of Eden was, an' he say dat ef dis man ain't 

discovered de bone dat Eve was made out of 

he's done found de next thing to hit. He's done 

found de place whar hit come from. He says 

dat de men what lived befo' Adam had one mo' 

rib dan dem has got what lives after him, an' 

ef dat missin' rib ain't in women, whar is hit? 

Dat's what I wants to know. Whar is hit? 

"Of cose, de findin' of dat rib didn't make 

190 




7 opens my mouth and shets my eyes" 



Why Women Can't Vote 193 

no difference to me, becaze I done made my 
peace mo' dan thirty years ago, an' I'se been a 
sleeper in de chu'ch ever since. Mo 5 over Fse 
got de faith, an' ef faith ain't belie vin' what you 
knows ain't so, an' jest nat'chully can't be so, 
den I don't know what hit is. I does des alike 
about de doctor, an' de preacher. I opens my 
mouf, an' shuts my eyes an' swallo's whatever 
dey pokes down me widout prognosticatin' about 
hits inwardness or how hit's gwine to wuk. 

"I ain't never been one of dem dat run after 
ev'ey new belief dat come along, an' dats de 
reason dat I ain't never took up wid dis heah 
doctrine 'bout folks not bein' made at de start 
of de creation but jest havin' growed. Cose 
ev'eybody to dere taste, but hit seems lak to me 
dat dem folks what laks to claim a monkey for 
dere grandpa has got mighty little pride, an' 
mighty little call to brag on dere fambly tree. 

"But I ain't never had no trouble in belie vin* 
dat woman was made out of man's rib. What 
worries me is why de Lawd's choice fell on de 
rib which ain't nothin' but a sort of rafter to 
hold up a man's chist an' swell hit out, an' make 
him look proud, but dat ain't nowise important 
in hitself, an' dat is about de easiest thing dat 
he can spare widout missin' hit. 



194 Mirandy 

"Cose I ain't a presumin' to criticise de Good 
Marster, but hit does look lak to me dat when 
he was a creatin' woman, an' had de whole man 
to cut from, dat he could a saved us a lot of 
trouble ef He had made Eve out of a few jints 
of Adam's backbone, insted of dat rib. 

"Yassum, dat's so, for ain't a rib de easiest 
squashed thing in de whole human body? An' 
when you goes to de market an' wants to git de 
tenderest roast don't you buy de rib roast? 

"Yassum, dat's de trouble wid women down 
to dis very day. Dey ain't got no backbone. 
Of a rib dey was made, an' a rib dey has stayed, 
an' nobody ain't got no right to expect no thin' 
else from 'em. Hit's becaze woman was made 
out of man's rib — an' from de way she acts hit 
looks lak she was made out of a floatin' rib at 
dat — an' man was left wid all of his backbone, 
dat he's got de comeupance over woman. An' 
dat's de reason dat we women sets down an' 
cries when we ought to git up an' heave brick- 
bats. 

"Yassum, most of women's troubles in dis 
worl' come of dere not havin' no backbone, an' 
I don't know nothin' dat makes you want to cry 
out of one side of yo' mouf an' laugh out of de 
odder mo' dan is de fact dat most of de women 



Why Women Can't Vote 195 

in de woiT is down on dere knees prayin' for 
miracles to happen dat dey could make happen 
dereselfs ef dey'd git up on dere hindlegs an' 
make jest one good fight for 'em. I ain't a 
savin' nothin' aginst dem Anti societies. I 
'spects dey does lots of good, but I done took 
notice dat dem reforms reform most and quick- 
est what you goes after wid a axe when yo' 
dander is up. 

"I know how dat is myself. When me an' 
Ike fust got married, after he got tired of holdin' 
my hand, he begun to segasuate off de straight 
an' narrow path, away from home, an' back to 
de crap game, an' de corner saloon. Cose dis 
makes a mighty talk, an' some of de sisters in 
Iseral comes to me an' axes, c Did I want de 
prayers of de chu'ch for him,' an' I says, not 
ontil after my right arm gave out. So dat night 
when Ike got home, he found his lovin' wife 
awaitin' up for him w T id de rollin' pin in one 
hand, an' de stove lifter in de odder, an' by de 
time he got out of de horspital hit looked lak he 
kinder lost his interest in wanderin' away from 
his own fireside. Leastways when he sort of 
looks wishful towards de do' of a night, an' he 
catches my eye he says he believes he feels too 
tired to go out, anyway. 



196 Mirandy 

"Yassum, dey talks 'bout de difference be- 
tween men an' women, but de biggest difference 
is in dis matter of de backbone, an' hit's what 
keeps women good, an' gives men de right to be 
bad, for dere ain't no foolishness dat a man 
will stand from a woman, an' dere ain't no 
foolishness dat a woman won't stand from a 
man. 

"Jest look at Sis Susana, what loves a dram 
as well as de next one, but what catches up her 
skirts an' fairly flies by de fambly entrance to 
de saloon, for she knows dat ef she was to come 
home drunk Brer Eben would fling her clothes 
out of de do', an' tell her to git out an' git. 
But what does Sis Susana do when Brer Eben 
comes home dat tanked up wid Red Eye dat hit 
takes two brother lodge members to fetch him 
home? She does jest lak a million odder spine- 
less wives. She gits up an' opens de do' for him 
wid a sad, sweet smile, an' she spends de night a 
puttin' ice cloths on his fevered brow, an' makin' 
him hot coffee an' cookin' him somethin' dat he 
thinks he can eat. 

"When de Prodigal Son comes back you can 
always count on some woman runnin' out an' 
slayin' de fatted calf, but when de Prodigal 
Daughter shows up at home you don't hear of 



Why Women Can't Vote 197 

no man even so much as passin' her out a veal 
cutlet. 

"An' dere's Sis Alviry whose husband run off 
wid a yallow gal wid a straight front figger, an' 
a three story pompadour, an' jay bird heeled 
shoes. What does Sis Alviry do when dat 
onery, low flung nigger come back home agin 
an' settled down on her to support him? Did 
she sick de dogs on him lak he would a done on 
her ef she'd run off an' come back? Nawm. 
Instead of moanin' an' groanin' becaze she's got 
one mo' to feed, she go out an' buy a dinner wid 
chicken fixin's an' invites in her friends to cele- 
brate, becaze dat loafer has done come back to 
her. 

"An' dere's Sis Henrietta w T hat's raisin' up a 
passel of chillen for de chain gang becaze she 
ain't got de backbone to stand up an' fight 'em, 
an' what sets in my parlor chair, a sheddin' tears 
all over de flo' becaze she says dat she can't reach 
dere higher natures. 

" 'Sis Henrietta,' says I, c has you ever tried 
reachin' for dere finer feelin's wid a bed slat or 
a stick of stove wood? Dat's de way I found 
mine, an' I done raise up a fambly dat does me 
proud,' but Sis Henrietta is jest a mush poltice, 
an' all dat she can do is to sit down an' cry. 



198 Mirandy 

£C An' whats de reason dat we women can't 
vote, an ain't got no say so 'bout makin' de laws 
dat bosses us? Ain't we got de right on our 
side? Yassir, we'se got de right on our side, 
but we ain't got de backbone in us to jest retch 
out an' grab dat ballot. 

"Dere ain't nobody sputin' de fact dat we'se 
got to scrape up de money to pay de tax col- 
lector, even ef we does have to go down into a 
skirt pocket insted of pants pocket, to git hit, an' 
our belongin' to de angel sect ain't gwine to 
keep us out of de jail ef we gits in a fight wid 
anodder lady, or we swipes a ruffled petticoat off 
de clothes line next do'. 

"Furdermo' when de meat trust puts up de 
price of po'k chops hit's de women dat has got 
to squeeze de eagle on de dollar until hit hollers 
a little louder. Hit's women dat has got to 
patch dere husband's britches, an' turn dere old 
dresses one times mo', if de tariff puts up de price 
of clothes. Hit's women dat has got to send 
dere sons out to fight ef a war comes on de 
country. Hit's women dat has got to see dere 
babies sicken an' die ef de milk is watered an' 
de streets ain't clean. Hit's women dat has got 
to send dere little chillen into factories to wuk 
at what ought to be de play time of life, if times 



Why Women Can't Vote 199 

gits harder, an' so we women is des a achin' to 
have a finger in dat government pie an' see if 
we can't put a little mo' sweetenin' in hit, an' 
make hit a little lighter so dat hit won't set so 
heavy an' ondigestable on de stomachs of dem 
what ain't millionaires. 

"Yassir, we'se jest a hoanin' for de franchise, 
an' we might have had hit any time dese last 
forty 3^ears ef we had enough backbone to riz 
up an' fight one good fight for hit, but insted of 
dat we set around a holdin' our hands, an' all 
we'se done is to say in a meek voice, 'Please sir, 
I don't lak to trouble you, but ef you'd kindly 
pass me de ballot hit sho'ly would be agreeable 
to me.' 

"An' insted of givin' hit to us men has kinder 
winked one eye at each odder an' said, 'Lawd, 
she don't want hit, or else she'd make a fuss 
about hit. Dats de way we did. We didn't 
go after de right to vote wid our pink tea man- 
ners on. Cose we'se got to give hit to her some 
time but we won't hand her out her sheer of de 
estate ontil she gits hay on her horns an' to 
rowin' about hit.' 

"Yassir, dats de true word an' you listen to 
me — de day dat women spunks up, an' rolls up 
dere sleeves, an' says to dere husbands dat dere 



200 Mirandy 

ain't gwine to be no mo' cookin' in dis house, nor 
darnin' of socks, nor patchin' of britches, ontel 
dere is some female votin' doin, why, dat day de 
ballot will be fetched home to women on a silver 
salver. All dat stands between woman an' suf- 
frage is de lack of a spinal column. 

"Yassum, most of de troubles in dis worl' dat 
women has come along of dere bein' born wid 
a wish bone insted of a backbone, but I lay dey 
can't help it. Hit's all de fault of de way dey 
was made, but what I'd lak to know is, why 
women didn't get a show at Adam's backbone in- 
sted of his chist protector?" 



XXIV 

Matrimony 

"F)RER JENKINS, what is my preacher, 
-U you know, axed me a mighty funny ques- 
tion last night. He axed me ef, in my opinion, 
marriage was a failure. 

" 'Dat depends,' I 'sponds, 'upon what you 
marry for. Ef you married becaze you thunk 
dat matermony is a kind of transh of bliss where 
you is never gwine to be hongry no mo', an' 
nothin' is gwine to rile you, an' all you got to do 
is jest to set up an' have somebody hold yo' hand, 
an' tell you how good lookin' an' peart you is — 
ef dat is what you specs } t ou is gittin' when you 
ties up in double harness wid somebody, den mar- 
riage is shorely a failure. 

' 'But ef you marries as a means of grace, an' 
becaze you is got a proud an' haughty spirit dat 
needs, as de Good Book says, to be humble an' 
broke to save you from de wrath to come, den 
marriage is de biggest sort of a success. Becaze 
dere ain't nothin' dat fits you for de odder world 

lak wrastlin' wid matrimony in dis.' 

201 



202 Mirandy 

"Yassum; Fse been married to Ike nigh on to 
thuty years, an' purgatory ain't got no terrors 
for me. I'se had dat hot a time in de holy estate 
dat I specs dat even ef I went to de Bad Place 
I'd say to de little imps, 'Would you mind 
chuckin' up de fire a little ? I feels sort of chilly, 
not bein' aclamated yit to dis frosty climate.' 

"Yassum; dat's whut matermony is. Hit's 
a preparation for de troubles to come. Yassum, 
hit certainly is. 

" 'Tain't dat I'se opposed to marriage. 
Naw'm. Far from hit. I'se in favor of hit. 
It's good for folks. Hit's lak dese heah bitter 
doses dat de doctors give people in de Spring of 
de year dat's mighty hard to swallow, and mighty 
apt to turn yo' stomach whilst you is tryin' to 
git hit down, but dat makes you feel mighty good 
an' as spry an' gay as a two-year-old when hit's 
over. 

"Dat's de reason dat widders an' widdowers 
is de smilingest an' de liveliest people dat you 
ever meets up wid. An' dey's de amiablest an' 
de friendliest, too. De ole maids an' de bache- 
lors, dey's most generally sour an' cranky, an' de 
married folks dey's cross an' grouchy, but de 
widders an' de widdowers dey's jest as kind an' 
purty as a basket of kittens. An' de reason of 



Matrimony 203 

dat is dis — dey is done gone an' been an' took 
dere dose of matermony, an' hit's kinder wuked 
all de meanness out of dere systems an' left 'em 
feelin' good toward ev'rybody. Specially as dey 
is done got through wid hit, an' got de taste out 
of dere mouths. 

"Co'se ef enybody is prognosticatin' dat 
matermony is a glory ticket to heaven on dis 
yearth, dey better not fool wid hit. Caze you's 
gwine to find out dat you don't know how many 
faults po', frail human nature has got, an' dat 
you is got de whole bunch of 'em, ontil you gits 
married an' has de partner of yo' bosom call yo' 
attention to yo' defects. Notherwise does you 
find out dat trials an' tribulations comes to de 
married by de peck instead of by de pinch, as 
dey does to de single, ontil you has done tied dat 
knot wid yo' tongue dat you can't on tie wid yo' 
teeth. 

"Natchally folks ain't prepared for de rough 
side of matermony, becaze dere wouldn't be any 
matermony ef dey was, an' so ev'y sassy young 
gal an' good lookin' young buck goes along 
lookin' for ev'ythin' to be mighty rosy, an' dey 
dreams about love in a cottage widout ever 
castin' a thought toward twins an' de colic, an' 
de rent collector. 



204 Mirandy 

"Den de man begin to find out dat he has to 
do extra jobs after wuk hours to keep meat in de 
pot, an' fuddermo' dat he is dat scared of de 
lovely, angelic creeter dat he is married to dat he 
takes off his shoes and climbs in de winder lak he 
was robbin' a hen roost when he comes home late 
at night. 

"An' de woman finds out dat whut she has 
got out of matermony is de chanst. to wuk ten 
times harder dan she ever did befo', an' de privi- 
lege of turnin' over de money dat she made takin' 
in washin' to a man what passes hit over de coun- 
ter for red-eye whisky dat makes him come home 
an' beat her, an' both of 'em figgers hit out dat 
marriage is a failure, an' nobody ain't got no call 
to throw no fits of surprise at hit. 

"De funny part of hit is, dough, dat nobody 
don't take no warnin' from 'em. Yet you can 
tell a married pusson an' a single pusson apart 
des as far as you can lay yo' eyeballs on 'em. 
Dey's jest lak dese heah c befo' ' an' 'after' 
takin' picters. De ones what is married is po', 
an' seedy lookin', an' wid a chastened look, whilst 
dem what is single is spry, an' all dressed up an' 
looks lak dey owned de yearth. 

"Yassum, marriage shorely does tak de van- 
ity an' de spirit out of folks, but hit comes back 



Matrimony 205 

when dey gits single agin. De very fust thing 
dat a widder or a widderer does after de funeral 
is over an 7 de mourners gone home is to go out 
an 5 buy 'em some good clothes. 

"Howsomever, Fse one of dose dat believes 
what de Good Book says about marriage bein' a 
special providence for bringin' dow T n de proud 
spirited, for de Lawd only knows whar we'd 
be if everybody w 7 as single, and dere warn't no- 
bod)' to tell us how to raise our chillen. 

"Caze hit's de ole maids and de ole bachelors, 
what ain't got no troubles of dere own, what's 
got de time an' de probusness to run de universe. 

"Yassum, a woman what's got a house full 
of chillen to nuss, an' dress, an' cook an' wash 
for, lak I is, an' a husband dat she's got to keep 
her eye on to head him off from sashayin' around 
wid a lakly young woman wid a straight front 
figger, an' a peach basket hat, lak Ma'y Jane 
Jones, ain't got no time to worry about de sup- 
pression of polygmy 'mongst the Sulus, nor 
whedder de Hottentots is got flannel petticoats 
or not. 

"An' a man what can't manage one po' little 
measly woman dat he's married to, an' who is 
dat henpecked dat he always says 'Our pants,' 
when he talks about his britches, ain't so all-fired 



206 Mirandy 

sho' dat he could run de country better dan dem 
what is doin' hit, so he jest sort of lets de Presi- 
dent rock along de best he can widout his ad- 
vice. 

"Yassum, all de reformers dat ever I seed 
was ole maids or ole bachelors, or else dey married 
late in life, after dey got de reformin' habit, an' 
couldn't break dereselves of hit, but I done took 
notice dat de most rambustious reformers after 
dey tackles matermony simmers down mightly 
an' ain't nigh so certain dat dey knows hit all. 

"Yassum, hit is kinder curious why folks 
marries when most of us don't see much to envy 
in de husbands an' wives around us. I lay dey's 
sort of lak me. When I told my Aunt Hannah 
dat I was gwine to git spliced to Ike she up an' 
warned me against de deceitfulness of mater- 
mony. 

" 'But you got married,' I says. 

" 'Yes,' says she, c an' I seed de folly of hit.' 

" 'Well,' I spons, 'I wants to see de folly 
of hit, too.' 

"An' dat's how come de Marriage License 
Bureau is still doin' business at de ole stand." 



XXV 

The Higher Education 

44 TV yT Y gal, Ma'y Jane, done got home from 

XVJL de cemetery," announced Mirandy 
with bursting pride. 

"Seminary," I corrected. 

"Des call it whutever you lak," she responded 
amiably. ' 'Anyway, Ma'y Jane done got home, 
an' she's jist plumb mint. Shes dat full of 
bombosity and pomposity, an' supecilliosity dat 
dere ain't no livin' in de house wid her, an' 
when she talks you'd think the dictionary done 
bust loose, an' done scattered words all over de 
place. Hit's jest scandalous de lot of language 
she uses. 

"Yassum, she's jist plumb mint. She ain't 

been home two hours befo' she done tied blue 

bows on de table legs, an' combed de chillens 

hair pompadour, an' let her pa an' ma know dat 

we is got to go away back, an' set down, caze 

she is Miss Wisdom from Know-all-ville, an y 

iurdermore she done tole us she was gwine to 

207 



208 Mirandy 

be a cricket on de hearth — an 5 I done always 
hate an' despise dem measly little black bugs, 
an' squashes 'em ev'time I gets de chanst. 

"Yassum, it sholy am tryin', an' wearin' on 
de constitution to have a edicated chile. Hit's 
suttinly am. 

"But I ain't surprised at what happened. I 
knowed how hit was gwine to turn out all de 
time, an' I done tole my ole man, Ike — dat's 
her pa — jest how 'twas gwine to be. But he is 
des so sot on dat gal he was jest bleeged to send 
her off to school. An' now she's come home des 
plumb ruint. She walks aroun' wid her nose in 
de air, a sightin' at de telefoam posts, an' pint- 
edly overlooks her ole mammy a bendin' over de 
washtub. Hit sholy does rile me, for all de 
time dat gal was away I was wukkin, an' inching 
an pinchin', an' scrinchin' to pay for her edica- 
tion, an' I'se been a layin out to take a rest, an' 
kind of let up on things when she come home. 
But bless yo' heart, she up an' tell me dat she 
ain't got no notion of cookin' and washin'. 

" 'I got de higher culcher,' she says, givin 5 her 
head a toss in de air. 

"De Lawd sakes, has you,' says I, grabbin' 
up de baby an' reachin' down de camphor bottle, 
case dat chile ain't been vaccinated. 'Why 




The Sweet Girl Graduate. 



The Higher Education 211 

didn't you tell me befo' you was 'flicted,' I says. 
'Whar did you git hit? Is it ketchin?' 

"But if you believe me, dat culcher ain't no 
misery. Hit's jest somethin' dey gits in de 
school. Well, I let hit go at dat, an' things 
dest run long till Sunday, me a-performin' on 
de washboard, an' Ma'y Jane a performin' on 
de melojum. Den she up an' says she ain't 
gwine to chu'ch. Dat she don't believe in de 
Bible, nor nothin', an' dat she outgrowed all dat 
in de cemetery. She sholy did spressify herself 
mos' ongordly. I knowed hit was gwine to make 
a scandal in de neighborhood an' me de president 
of de Daughters of Zion, what sets in de front 
pew at de funerals, an' rides wid de mo'ners. 
Comin' on back from ch'uch dat day, here comes 
dat biggity Mandy Jones. 

" c Sis Mirandy,' she says, 'I done hear dat 
Ma'y Jane done backslided, an' fell from grace.' 

" c Dey ain't nothin' de matter wid Ma'y Jane,' 
I spons, ' 'ceptin she's got de culchar up dar at 
dat school.' 

" De lan's sakes,' sclaims Mandy. 'De hand 
of de Lawd suttingly is laid heavy on you, Sis 
Mirandy, but you better poultice hit befo' hit 
gits enny wus. I don't specs hit is enny more 
dan skin deep now.' 



212 Mirandy 

" 'I lay I kin tend to Ma'y Jane, Sis Mandy,' 
I spons, an' she went on her way. 

"Dat was yistidy. Dis mawnin' I call Ma'y 
Jane in de shedroom, an' I reach down a ole 
trunk strop, an' you better believe I knocked all 
de higher culchar outen dat nigger in about fo' 
minutes, 

" 'Does yer believe in de Bible now?' I axed 
her, when I stopped to ketch my bref. 

" 'Yassum,' she says. 

" k Yer believes hit from led to led?' I says, 
an' I give dat strop anodder swing. 

" c Dat I does, bless Gord,' she says. 

" c An' yer ain't got no doubt 'bout Jonah swal- 
lowin' dat whale?' I axed her again. 

" 'Nawm, dat I ain't,' she says, an' I let her 

"When I left home she was wringing out de 
clothes, 'an a singin' so you could hear her roun' 
de block: 

" 'Methodist, Methodist is my name, 
I hopes to live an' die de same.' 

"An' I knowed I done downed de culchar, an' 
nipped de onbelief in de bud. 

"Nawm, I ain't spectin' to have no mo' trou- 
ble 'bout Ma'y Jane's religion. Des give dis 



The Higher Education 213 

ole niggar a good trunk strop, 'an elbow room, 
an' she can convert mo sinners in a minnit dan 
de Salvation Armyers can in a week. You hear 
me?" 



XXVI 

The Price of Fame 

"T)LEASEUM, has you got 'bout a dollar an' 
A fo' bits lay in' 'roun de house handy dat 
you could advance me on nex' week's washin' ? 

"I sholy don't know nothin' dat makes you so 
tired as to have to wuk for money dat you has 
done gone an' jspent befo' you gits hit. Hit's 
lak buyin' things Qn de installment plan, which 
gives you mo' wa'r an' ta'r on yo' constitution 
dan anything else in d.is world. Yassum, hit 
sholy does frazzle you out, an' I ain't never got 
over dat case whut I got when me an' Ike bought 
dat meloj ium. Leastways Ike, he bought de 
melojium, an' I took in washin' an' paid for hit. 
"What, ain't I never tol' you 'bout dat melo- 
jium? Honey, nobody don't know/how fast 
time can scoot ontel dey buys somet^in' on de 
installment plan. Hit jest looks lak one pay 
day laps over anodder, lak de shingles on de roof. 
Fust an' last I bet I'se done paid out mo' dan 

fo' million dollars for dat melojium. 

214 



The Price of Fame 215 

"You see, hit happen lak dis : One day I was 
a settin' down in my do', jest as ca'm an' sater- 
fied as a cat in de sun, an' not lookin' for trouble 
nowhar, when up drives a wagon wid somethin' 
in hit dat looked lak a cross betwixt a bureau 
an' a piany. 

" 'I wants to sell you a melojium,' de man 
says. 

" c Whut in de name of Goodness do I want 
wid a melojium?' I spons. 

" f You can perform upon dis for de pleasure 
of yo' fambly,' says he. 

" 'I 'low dat de skillet an' de cook stove is de 
only instruments dis ole nigger can perform on,' 
I says, 'but I'se got a master han' wid de pots 
an' de pans, an' de music dat I makes on dem 
hits my fambly whar dey lives.' 

"But dest den Ike up an' took a han' in de 
conversation, an' I knowed dat trouble was 
headin' my way, becaze I done had thuty yeahs 
of experience wid Ike in de holy bonds of mater- 
mony, an' I knowed dat he was one of dese heah 
kind of folks dat will buy any thin' dat dey don't 
have to plank down de cash money for. Yas- 
sum, you could sell Ike a fur overcoat to wear 
in Hell, ef you'd give him till nex' Christmas to 
pay for hit. 



216 Mirandy 

"So I says, 'Ike don't you be fool enough to 
buy dat contrapshun,' but when hit comes to 
foolishness, Ike's mighty gifted, an' de long an' 
de sho't of dat was dat dat man unloaded dat 
mellojum in our parlor, an' I'se been a-wukin' 
ever sence to pay for hit, becaze I ain't goin' to 
let dat biggity Ma'y Jane Jones say dat I can't 
suppo't one po', measly, wheezy mellojum. 
Nawm, dat I ain't, ef I has to wuk my fingers to 
de bone to do hit. 

"But hit sho' does come hard to be a saccer- 
ficin' for a thing dat you ain't got no manner of 
use for, an' dat makes you feel lak bustin' hit 
open ev'ytime you pass hit by. An' dat's de 
probusness of buyin' things on de instalment 
plan, an' of spendin' money befo' you gits hit 
earned, an' ef dere was jest me in my fambly, 
dere wouldn't be no sech doing. 

"Yessum, ef my husband an' chillen was jest 
plain, ordinary sort of folks lak I is dere wouldn't 
be no trouble in our keepin' out of debt, but 
what wid de Sons of Zion presentin' Ike wid a 
lovin'-cup, an' Thomas Jefferson Abra'm Lin- 
coln bein' elected de captain of be Black an' 
Tan Baseball Club, an' May Jane bein' app'inted 
de Queen of Sheba at de Sunday-school blow- 




'May Jane got elected to be de Queen of Sheba " 



The Price of Fame 219 

out, hit's made de fambly puss look lak an ele- 
phant is done trod on hit. 

"Yessum, we-all is gittin' famous at our house, 
an' fame sut'nly do come high. I used to won- 
der why all dem folks what has got dere statutes 
an' pictures up in de parks an' public places is 
so peaked lookin', for dey sho' has got a mighty 
lean an' hongry look. But now I knows. Dey 
had to spend so much money on dere halos dat 
dey didn't have no change left to buy corned 
beef an' cabbage wid. 

"Yessum, hit sut'nly am expensive to be dis- 
tinctions, an' ef dere hadn't been one po' humble 
woman in our fam'ly widout no talents, dat 
kep' de pot a-b'ilin', I s'pec's dat I could name 
de name of two favorite sons an' a daughter dat 
was mighty puffed up wid pride, but dat wouldn't 
'a' had nothin' else to stay dere stomachs on but 
compliments. An' compliments is lak dried 
apples — dey's sweet an' tasty, an' dey swells' you 
all up, but dey is all wind. Dey don't stand by 
you lak pork-chops. 

"Hit used to seem mighty funny to me dat 
dere gen'rally wa'n't but one gifted member in a 
fambly, but, my land, I guess de good Lawd 
knows what he's about. Hit makes all de bal- 
ance of de fam'ly git up an' hustle to support one 



220 Mirandy 

genius. Yessum, de reason dat I has to do about 
so is becaze I's got a husband an' two chillen 
dat's a-sproutin' laurel wreaths on dere brows, 
an' you can't expect dem to knuckle down to 
hard wuk an 5 savin' lak common folkses. Dey's 
got to live up to dere reputation, an' I done 
found out dat hit costs mo' to support a reputa- 
tion dan hit does to take keer of a pair of twins. 

"Now dere's Ike. Ike is de most popularest 
man in de chu'ch an' de union, an' whenever any- 
body comes along an' starts up a new society, 
hit's foreordained an' predestinated, as Br'er 
Jenkins would say, dat Ike is gwine to be elected 
wid a risin' vote to be de president, or de secre- 
tary, or de chairman of de finance committee, or 
somethin' or anodder dat's got a f 6' teen hours 
day's wuk in hit, an' no pay. 

"Co'se hit seems mighty grand to be dat prom- 
inent, an' ev'ry time dey saddles him wid a new 
honor, an' mo' wuk, Ike comes home wid his 
chest stickin' out so far dat hit done busts off his 
shirt-buttons, an' I goes out de nex' mornin' an' 
hunts up mo 5 washin', becaze I knows dat we's 
gwine to need mo' money in our house. Becaze 
I's done cut my wisdom teeth, an' I knows dat 
de mo' famous a man is de less money an' de 
less time he's got for his fambly. He's got to 



The Price of Fame 221 

live up to dat badge wid de gold-fringed ends 
dat dey pins on his coat, an' you could buy a 
house an' lot an' a diamond pin wid what dat 
snippy little piece of cotton-backed ribbon cost. 

"Yessum, dere used to be some interest, in de 
days when Ike was unknown, in lookin' forward 
to Saturday night when he got his pay-envelope, 
but now by de time he gits through headin' de 
contribution list becaze he is de treasurer, an' 
losin' a day's wuk becaze bein' de president of 
de organization he has to attend all de funerals 
an' ride wid de mourners when a member dies, 
dere ain't enough left to make hit worth de trou- 
ble to go through his pockets after he goes to 
sleep. 

"Naw'm dere ain't no money in bein' dis- 
tinction, but dere is lots of glory, an' glory 
comes high, an' dat's how come I's borrowin' of 
you ontel I can kinder catch up wid de honors 
dat has done been showered on de fambly. 

"You see, hit was lak dis: De odder night 
Ike comes home a-grinnin' from ear to ear, an' 
he says to me as I was gittin' supper, 

:f 'Mirandy, hit am a proud day for you, an' 
you ought to be a thankful woman dat you mar* 
ried lak )^ou did.' 

c 'Huh, ef anybody outmarried deyself in dis 



222 Mirandy 

fambly, dat one don't answer to de forgiven 
name of Mirandy,' spons I, for hit don't do to 
let yo' husband know dat you thinks too well of 
him. Hit makes him dat upperty dat dere ain't 
no livin' in peace wid him. c But what's de mat- 
ter now? What luck is come yo' way? Is dey 
made you de foreman at de shop or give you 
more wages?' I axes. 

" 'Heish, woman,' he says, 'wid yo' mind al- 
ways set on dem grovelin' p'ints. No. A real 
honor has been bestowed upon me, an' one dat 
touches my heart. De Sons of Zion is a-gwine 
to present me wid a lovin'-cup as a slight testi- 
monial of dere esteem an' of de noble an' con- 
scientious way in which I has done my duty as 
de Keeper of de Seals an' Records.' 

" 'Humph,' says I, 'dey gives you de cup, but 
I lay we's got to fill hit.' 

" 'Of co'se,' spons Ike, in a high an' mighty 
manner; 'we can do no less to show our appre- 
ciation of de honor dat has done been did me.' 

"Well, dat night a committee of de brederen 
come roun' to present de lovin'-cup to Ike, an' 
when de speecherfyin' was over we sent Thomas 
Jefferson Abra'm Lincoln, which is our oldest 
son, up to de corner saloon to git enough beer to 




"A committee of de brederen come roun y to pre- 
sent de lovin'-cup to Ike." 



The Price of Fame 225 

fill hit so dat dey could drink to eternal love an' 
friendship. 

"Den de balance of de lodge sauntered roun' 
to see de cup dat dey done suscribed for, an' dat 
dey felt like dey done paid for de right to drink 
out of, an' we chased Thomas Jefferson Abra'm 
Lincoln back to de saloon for mo' beer. Den de 
neighbors heared dat Ike was gittin' a tribute, 
an' dey begun to drop in to offer dere congratu- 
lations, an' after dat Thomas Jefferson Abra'm 
Lincoln kep' de path hot weavin' betwixt our 
house an' de saloon, try in' to keep dat cup full. 

"Yessum, befo' dat night was over dat tin- 
plated mug dat you could have bought in a de- 
partment sto' for ninety-eight cents done cost 
us mo' dan nine dollars in beer, let alone de acci- 
dents to de furniture dat took place after de 
lovin'-cup had been aroun' about ten times an' 
two of de brederen got mixed up in a little dis- 
pute about whedder Ike was a greater man dan 
ole Gineral Grant. 

"Den befo' we got Ike's glory all paid up at 
de saloon, Thomas Jefferson Abra'm Lincoln got 
unanimously appointed to be de captain of de 
Black an' Tan Baseball Club, an' I had to take 
de money dat I done saved up to buy me some 
flannel shirts to git up a chicken dinner wid 



226 Mirandy 

fixin's for de club as a slight recognition of de 
compliment dat dey done paid him, an 5 dat busts 
us ag'in. 

"Den May Jane, she got elected to be de 
Queen of Sheba, an' we had to strain our credit 
at de grocery-sto' a-entertainin' de choir what 
name her for de place, to say nothin' about buyin' 
her a white frock wid spangles on hit to wear 
when she led de procession, an' dat had to be fine 
enough to make all de odder gals green wid envy, 
or else dere wouldn't be no good in bein' de 
queen. An' dat's de reason, hit's along wid 
havin' all of dis glory kinder thrust on de fambly 
all at once, dat I has to borrow an' is why dat 
I'd be much obleeged to you ef you could strain 
a p'int an' let me have de wash money in ad- 
vance, please 'urn. 

"Yessum, glory sut'nly does come high. Hit 
looks lak to me dat fame is somethin' dat you 
spends yo' life a-wukin for, an' den hit lands 
you in de po'house." 



XXVII 

The Advantages of Invalidism 

"T~AE ODDER night," said Mirandy, "Sis 

JL/ Calline, whut is one of dese heah women 
whut enjoys po' health, comes to my house, an' 
after we had passed de time of day wid each od- 
der, she folds her hands, an' fetchs a groan from 
de pit of her stomach. 

"Den I knowed dat de time had done come 
when I'se got to inquire 'bout how she is feelin', 
an' de forty 'leven different kinds of misery dat 
she's wrastlin' wid, for ef you wants to make her 
pass a pleasant hour, all you've got to do is to 
jest set still, an' let her meander an' peruse along 
'bout her sufferings. 

" c Well, Sis Calline,' says I, 'how does you 
prognosticate yo' symptoms dis mawnin'?' 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' spons Sis Calline, C I ain't a 

wishin' to brag on myself, but I sho' must be a 

favorite wid de Lawd, for you know what de 

Good Books say — dat He afflicts dem whut He 

loves, an' I'se dat full of afflictions dat ef Job 

227 



228 Mirandy 

was heah, nobody wouldn't tucken no notice of 
him, an' he'd never git his name printed in a 
book at all, let 'lone one written about his suf- 
ferens an' biles. Nawm, Sis Mirandy ma'am, 
ef it wasn't dat I had a strong constitution, I 
couldn't stand all dem deadly diseases whut I 
has got.' 

" 'Whut does de doctor call yo' complaint?' 
inquires I. 

" 'He says dat I'se got dis heah disease whut 
dey calls de chronics,' she spons, a puffin' out 
her chest wid vainglory. 

" 'My Ian',' sclaims I, 'dat's awful, but you 
always was a up-an'-comin' woman, Sis Calline, 
but at any rate you ought to be thankful dat you 
ain't got dis new fangled ailment dat dey calls 
de nervous prosperity, becaze folks dat has dat 
don't never git over hit. Nor yit do dey die, 
dough all of de folks aroun' em would be mighty 
reconciled ef de good Lawd should see fittin' to 
take 'em.' 

" 'Huh,' spons Sis Calline, wid a discon- 
temptuous snort, for sick folks ain't never got no 
opinion of de things dat ails odder folks, 'dat 
nervous prosperity used to be so dat nobody but 
de rich folks ever had it, but hit's got so common 
now dat anybody can ketch it. Hit ain't lak 




o 
8 






s 



<5 






© 

• *«* 



The Advantages of Invalidism 231 

de chronics, which hit takes a pusson wid a real 
gift for sickness to have. 

" k Why, Sis Mirandy,' goes on Sis Calline wid 
a beamin' smile, Tse tucken mo' dan a carload of 
patent medicine, an' I bet dat ef all de pills I has 
swallowed was put up in a pile, dat dey would 
look lak a mountain, an' as for doctors, Sis Mi- 
randy, I has been de dispensation of Province dat 
has made ev'y one of 'em in de community able 
to set up a autymobile.' 

" 'You suttinly has been a grand perseverin' 
invalid, an' done yo' duty noble in dat line/ 
spons I. 

" 'Hit ain't for me to brag on myself an' my 
sufFerins, dough as a doser, an' one dat lays a 
heavy hand on de medicine bottle, I's got a rec- 
ord dat I can pint to wid pride,' says Sis Calline, 
c an' when I dies I will leave behind me a pile of 
bottles dat will be a monyment to my memory. 
Howsumever, Sis Mirandy,' she goes on, c up to 
dis time I'se jest been plain sickly, which ain't 
got no particler interest in hit, 'ceptin' to de one 
whut's got hit an' deir fambly; but now de doc- 
tor prognosticates as how I is got dis high fallu- 
tin' trouble whut all de millionaires have, dat 
dey call de appendiceitful, an' dat I'll have to go 
to de horspital an' have hit carved out/ 



232 Mirandy 

" 'Bless God for all his mercy/ sclaims I, 'but, 
Sis Calline, you sholy is de lucky woman !' 

" 'How's dat, Sis Mirandy?' axes she. 

" 'Why,' spons I, 'hit'll set you up in conver- 
sation for de balance of your life, for I never did 
know anybody whut had had an' operation dat 
ever talked about anythin' else as long as dey 
lived. 

" 'Yes, Sis Calline,' I continues, 'you won't 
never have to search around in yo' mind for a 
nice, interestin', cheerful subject to discourse on. 
All you got to do is jest to begin to reel off de 
particlers of dat time you was operated on, an' 
whut de doctors said, an' whut de nuss said, an' 
whut dey done in de horspital, an' dere you are ! 
An' folks is got to listen to you becaze most of 
'em has been dere, an' dey is jest waitin' for you 
to stop to catch your breath, so dey can tell about 
deir operation. 

" 'Dat's whut makes me say dat you is de 
lucky woman, becaze when you comes out of de 
horspital you'll be able to hold your own in sas- 
siety wid de odders whut's been operated on, an' 
ef you don't git out of de horspital hit sholy 
would reconcile you to death dat you wouldn't 
have to listen about odder people's operations, 
anyhow. 



The Advantages of Invalidism 233 

" 'I tell you, Sis Calline, dat I'se thought dat 
I would have to withdraw from de Sewing 
S'ciety, an' de Female Prayer Meetin', an' de 
Mothers in Israel, an' de Daughters of Zion, 
through not never havin' had no operation, an' 
darfore, not bein' able to hold up my end in con- 
versation !' 

" 'Oh, Sis Mirandy,' says Sis Calline, 'as de 
Good Book says, we are fearfully and wonder- 
fully made.' 

" 'Dat's right,' spons I, 'an' I reckon dat de 
Creator must turn out a mighty fust-class job 
when He makes us, or else we couldn't stand all 
de tinkerin' dat de doctors does on us.' 

"But wid dat Sis Calline said dat she must be 
on her way, as she was dest makin' a few fare- 
well visits befo' she goes to de horspital, an' I 
speeds her on her way, for ef dere is one thing 
dat raises my dander mo' dan anodder hit is dese 
heah women whut is got de strength to stand 
thuty or forty years of bein' sick, but ain't got 
de strength to cook a meal's vittels, or do a day's 
washin', or sweep a floor. 

"Yassum, hit takes a able-bodied woman to 
stand all de medicine dey takes, an' de projickin 
wid deir system dat dem invalid ladies does, an' 
if dey would put half de wuk on gittin' up an' 



234 Mirandy 

keepin' deir home clean an' tendin' to deir hus- 
bands and chilluns dat dey does in nussin' deir 
pains, an' complainin' of deir miseries, dey would 
be well. Course, I ain't deny in' dat dere is lots 
of sick women, but I done took notice dat dem 
dat is got real pains an' aches dies, an' dat's whut 
makes me have my spicions of dem wives whut 
can go on bein' sick, year after year, widout 
givin' deir po', 'flicted husbands de reward of 
payin' all dem doctor's bills, by makin' 'em 
widowers. 

"Yassum, I specs dat bein' a invalid is about 
de best job dat anybody can grabble, for hit lets 
you in for doin' all dat you wants to do, an' lets 
you out of doin' all de things dat you don't want 
to do. All dat you got to do is to call yo' tem- 
per nerves, an' you can say whut you likes to 
folks, an' instid of battin' you over de head lak 
you deserves, dey has got to sympathize wid you 
an' take hit becaze you say you're sick. 

"An' ef you'se too lazy to wuk, all you got to 
do is to always be a-moanin' an' a-groanin' about 
your aches an' pains an' somebody else will roll 
up deir sleeves an' support you, an' you gits de 
breast of de chicken, an' de heart of de po'k 
chops, instid of bein't kicked out of de do' lak 
you oughter be. 



The Advantages of Invalidism 235 

"An* you gits de best bed, an' de easiest chair, 
an' nobody don't dast 'spute you, no matter whut 
you says, an' you takes de money to buy medicine 
dat ought to go for bread and meat f o' de f ambly, 
an' all you do is des to set on de invalid throne, 
an' hold up people, an' make 'em listen whilst 
you discourses about your symptems. Ef dat 
ain't a cinch, den dis ole nigger don't know one, 
an' I only wishes dat I had had enough sense 
forty years ago to qualify in de ranks of dem 
whut is invalids, instid of learnin' to be a num- 
ber one wash'woman. 

"But bein' as how I'se been one of de wukkers 
instid of one of de complainers I just wants to 
spressify de opinion dat dem ladies whut is too 
feeble an' weak to take care of deir chillun, but 
has got de strength to attend de bargain sales, 
an' play cyards fo' hours at a stretch, will have 
to figger in a funeral befo' I sheds any tears over 
deir bad health. 

"Yassum, hit sholy must be a mighty com- 
fortable thing to be a invalid. An' it gives you 
a lot to talk about." 



XXVIII 

Creeds 

"T>R'ER JENKINS was at my home last 
JJ night," observed Mirandy, "an' he was 
expostulatin' 'bout dat new sect of religioners 
out in de West, whar' de man say he is Adam, an' 
de woman say she is Eve, an' dey is tryin' to start 
a sort of second-hand Eden whar dey 'lows dere 
wont be no sin, an' ev'body will go about widout 
no clothes on onless dey maybe mought be sort of 
dressy, an' wear a fig leaf or so. 

" 'Humph,' 'spons I, 'I don't think much of 
dat as a faith, leastways for women. Dere 
wouldn't be no Eden ef hit didn't have a few 
bonnits, an' longery shirt waists in hit, for no fe- 
male lady dat I is acquainted with. Besides 
even a angel looks better wid a nice floatin' robe 
on, an' dere ain't nothin' in de spectacle of a 
bony, scrawny woman, nor a fat, floppy one to 
elevate de thoughts towards speritual things. 
No, Br'er Jenkins,' says I, 'clothes is lak de man- 
tle of charity — dey covers a multitude of sins, an' 

236 



Creeds 237 

you wont never ketch me runnin' off after any 
new-fangled religion dat does away wid yo' Sun- 
day go-to-meetin' frock an' hat.' 

" 'Bless Gord for de faithful !' spons Br'er 
Jenkins, 'but dese folks aint peeled down to de 
skin yit, owin' to not findin' enough folks dat 
is got a strangle hold on sin, an' furdermo' de 
climate am servigorous in dem parts in de Win- 
ter. But I hears dey is got a mighty lakely little 
valley whar dey is gwine back to de simple life 
of our first pa an' ma bef o' dey got mixed up wid 
dat serpent business.' 

"Yassum, dat's so. An' B'rer Jenkins' re- 
marks remind me of Br'er Isham. Br'er Isham 
was a moughty peart man, what was a master 
bricklayer, an' when he move into our neighbor- 
hood dere was a mighty wrastlin' around to see 
what chu'ch he would jine, becaze we all felt dat 
he would be a powerful ornament to de congre- 
gation, bein' as how he was a pussonable man, 
wid a plug hat an' a bass voice dat shook de 
rafters when he open his mouf to sing. 

"So all de sisters, dey go mighty perlite to 
call on Br'er Isham, an' invite him to deir chu'ch, 
an' he thank 'em, an' say he'll be pleased to drop 
around, but he don't say which faith is his faith, 
an' befo' we knowed hit de Methodist, an' de 



238 Mirandy 

Baptist, an' de Presbyterian, an' de Unitarian, 
an' de Piscumpalums sisters was all a claimin' 
him, an' havin' eyes on his pocketbook. 

"At last I went to him, an' I says : 

" 'Br'er Isham,' says I, 'widout wishin' to pry 
into yo' private affairs, I makes bold to ax you 
what is de entitlement of de chu'ch dat you be- 
longs to, for Sis Sally Ann says you is a Metho- 
dist an' is a countin' on you to contribute to deir 
strawberry supper, an' Sis Lucindy says you 
sho'ly will help out wid de missionary fund for 
de Presbyterians, you bein' one, an' strong in de 
faith, whilst Sis Malviry is a lookin' for you to 
open de raffle at de Unitarian bazaar, an' Sis 
Tempy is got you down for a cake for de Baptist 
supper, an' de Piscumpalum guild is waitin' for 
you wid fo'teen pairs of slippers dat dey is ex- 
pectin' to sell to a gemman who is been brought 
up in de only religion dat is really styly. Dare- 
fore,' says I, "hit will be money in yo' pocket to 
come out, an' say whar you belongs.' 

" 'Sis Mirandy,' 'spons B'rer Isham, 'dat is 
de true word you is givin' me, an' I thanks you 
for hit.' 

"Wid dat Br'er Isham heave a sigh, an' den 
he went on. 'To tell you de truf, Sis Mirandy,' 
he 'spons, 'I hardly knows whar I stands, for I's 



Creeds 239 

a religious man, Sis Mirandy, an 5 I'se sampled 
mos' all of de chu'ches, an' all of 'em had deir 
good pints an' deir bad pints. 

" 'I was raised in de Catholic chu'ch, Sis Mi- 
randy, an' hit suttinly is a grand ole chu'ch. 
An' deres somethin' in hit when de organ rolls, 
an' de candles shine on de altar, an de priest 
sings de mass dat makes a lump come in yo' 
throat, an' you feel lak you can almost stretch 
out yo' hand and tetch de robes of de holy ones ; 
but, Sis Mirandy, de Catholic chu'ch is too sud- 
den. Hit's too contemporaneous, so to speak. 
Hit don't put off de judgment day to de nex' 
world. Hit brings hit right along now, and 
whilst I didn't worry none 'bout runnin' up an 
account wid de Recording Angel, hit shorly did 
go against de grain to have to pay for my sins 
on de nail, des as I went along. Mo'over, I'se 
a hearty man wid a good appetite, an' dere was 
too many fast days to suit me, so I sorter moved 
on. 

" 'Den I jined de Methodist chu'ch, Sis Mi- 
randy, an' ef I dose say hit myself, I am mighty 
gifted as a shouter. Dat's a fine chu'ch, too, Sis 
Mirandy, but wid hit's 'sperience meetin' whar 
ev'body gits up an' tells about deir sins, hit ain't 
no place for a nigger whut is a jedge of fat pul- 



240 Mirandy 

lets, an' lives close to a place whar de chickens 
roost low. De Methodist chu'ch is a mighty 
good chu'ch for dem whut ain't been led into 
temptation, or is slick tongued, but hit didn't 
suit me, so I des sorter drew out, an' jined de 
Presbyterians. 

" 'Dat sho'ly is a grand faith, Sis Mirandy, 
an' I took to predestination an' foreordination 
lak a duck to water, for hit suttinly is comfortin' 
to know dat what is to be is gwine to be, whedder 
hit is or not, an' dat you ain't really responsible 
for doin' de things dat hit was settled you was 
bound to do millions of years befo' you was 
bawn. Somehow, dough I got col' feet in de 
Presbyterian chu'ch a wonderin' ef, maybe, I'd 
drawd de wrong ticket, an' got de double cross 
in life; an' so, as nobody could tell me fur cer- 
tain, which way I was headed, I hiked out for a 
chu'ch where de signboards was a little plainer. 

" c Den I jined de Piscumpalums, but dat is a 
book chu'ch, an' I didn't know how to read, an' 
hit kept me so mixed up dat I was always afeared 
I'd git de wrong blessin', fer lak as not when 
I'd want to 'zort de Lawd to send me a rain to 
bring up de potatoes, de only prar dat I could re- 
member was for dem whut go down to de sea in 
ships, which didn't seem to have no bearin' on 



Creeds 241 

de case. So I passed up de Piscumpalums, 
dough I sho'ly would lak to be saved in as good 
company as dey is. Dey suttinly would do you 
proud, when Gabriel blows his horn. 

" 'De next chu'ch I tackled was de Unitarians. 
Dat's a big, fine, broad chu'ch, Sis Mirandy, but 
hit is cut too big for me. I lak to feel my re- 
ligion fit a little closer, an' bind a little at de 
seams, not enough to really hamper me, you 
know, but just so I'll know I'se got hit on, so me 
an' dat chu'ch didn't stick togedder ve'y long, an' 
den I moved over to de Baptists. 

" 'Dat's de chu'ch, Sis Mirandy! Dat's hit! 
Hit's dip an' duck, an' dere you are. Hit's de 
chu'ch wid de double action plan of salvation, 
for when you backslides all you got to do is to 
come agin'. And hit sets mo' store on doctrine 
dan hit does on wuks, which is mighty com- 
fortin' to a man lak me whut draps by de way- 
side occasionally, yit is strong in de faith. 

' 'Dat's whar I stands, Sis Mirandy. I'se a 
deep water Baptist, but I ain't a sayin' no thin' 
aginst all de odder chu'ches. Dey's all good, but 
you has to pick out yo' religion lak you does yo' 
coat — what' 11 suit one won't suit anodder, an' 
ev'rybody to deir taste.' 

1 'Dat's so,' 'spons I, 'an' hit's a good thing we 



242 Mirandy 

don't all hold to de same faith, for ef we did dere 
wouldn't be nothin' to fight over.' 

" 'Amen/ says Br'er Isham, 'an' hit's a better 
thing dere's so many different chu'ches — dey 
perlices each odder.' " 



XXIX 

Being Good 

44 1 OOK at me !" exclaimed Mirandy, wrath- 
l^J fully; "look at me, for hit's de las' 
chanst you is gwine to have to see de Mirandy 
dat is a model wife an' mother an' sister an' 
aunt an' cousin an' pillar of de chu'ch. 

"Yassum, I done got my fill of doin' my duty 
by ev'ybody, an' ins ted of gittin' praise an' t'anks 
for what I done, havin' folks set around an' won- 
der why I didn't do mo'. I'se got my dose, an' 
I'se done stopped. I'se quituated, an' ef you 
sees ole Mirandy a-passin' around de hat any 
mo' for de preacher, or takin' off her flannel pet- 
ticoat to wrap up de orphans, you write hit down 
in yo' little book dat she's done lost her min'. 
After dis hit's me to grab de best of ev'ything 
for myself. I'se gwine to be a monster of selfish- 
ness, an' dem whut don't want to feel lak dey 
has been run over by a steam roller had better git 
out of my path. Dat's all. 

"Yassum, I'se had enough of bein' good, an' 
243 



244 Mirandy 

mo' dan enough. Dey ain't no pay in hit. Hit 
may be true, as Brer Jenkins says in his sermon, 
dat virtue is hits own reward. De Lawd knows 
hit ought to be, caze hit don't draw down no 
other dividend. 

"Yassum, fo' mo' dan forty years I'se been a 
walkin' in de straight an' narrow way, a-tryin' 
to do what was right by my fambly, an' my 
neighbors, an' de po', an' de sick, an' de unfor- 
tunate, an' what has I got out of hit? Nothin'. 

"Yassum, I'se done practiced de Golden Rule 
ontell I'se wore it to a frazzle. I'se fed de hun- 
gry, an' nussed de sick, an' shed barrels of tears 
wid dem dat wept, an' nobody ain't even noticed 
dat I done hit, let alone fling a few bokays at 
me for bein' a noble, Christian woman, an' a 
example to her sex. Yassum, ef you wants to 
git de reputation of bein' good, an' kind, an' 
generous, an' sweet, you wants to do about one 
good act a year, an' raise Cain de balance of de 
time. 

"Furdermo', ef youse good all de time folks 
gits in de way of thinkin' dat you enjoys sacrer- 
ficing yo'self, an' pickin' de bones after dey has 
et up all of de meat; an' when dey imposes on 
you dey feels lak you ought to be grateful to 'em 
for lettin' you enjoy yo' curis taste. 



Being Good 245 

"Now, dere's my Aunt Hannah, what has got 
eleven chillen, not countin' de twins, what comes 
about fo' times a year and squats down on us an' 
crowds we-all outen our beds, an' into de wood- 
box, an' under de table to sleep. I sho'ly does 
have to do 'bout to hustle up enough bread an' 
meat to feed dat gang for a week; but you think 
my Aunt Hannah goes 'bout braggin' how hos- 
pitable I is, an' how proud she is, dat my do' is 
always on de latch so dat she can come in any 
time she takes de notion*? 

"Nawm, dat she don't. She don't pipe 'bout 
what I does for her, but when her odder niece, 
Elviry Ann, axes her over to tea, an' has a nickel's 
worth of lady fingers an' a box of sardines for 
supper she spends de balance of de time pro- 
mulgatin' 'bout how kind an' thoughtful Elviry 
Ann is, an' she don't even remember dem fo' 
dollars' worth of po'k chops she's done gobbled 
up fo' me. 

"An' den dere was Sally Maria, what I nussed 
through de fever, a-settin' up wid her nights on- 
tell I was dat wore out dat I was ready to drap 
in my tracks. You reckon Sally Maria is gwine 
around de neighborhood a-blowin' any trumpet, 
an' a-callin' me a ministerin' angel? 

"Dat she ain't. She ain't got nary a word 



246 Mirandy 

to say 'bout what I done for her, but she fairly 
dribbles at de mouf wid gratitude when she tells 
how attentive Elder Sniggins was, who stopped 
as he was passin' de house an' axed over de fence 
how Sally was gettin' along. 

"Yassum, I sho'ly is a good neighbor, ef I 
does say hit, what hadn't ought to. Dere ain't 
a woman, 'round 'bout whar I lives, dat I ain't 
lent my best bonnet to, or accommodated wid a 
little coffee and sugar when times was hard, or 
dat I ain't helped git a drunken husband out of 
de calaboose, or dat I ain't showed how to dress 
a new-bawn baby, or shroud a dead one. 

"But is you heard of anybody takin' up a sub- 
scription to build a monument to ole Mirandy? 
Nawm, I bet you ain't. I'se one of de women 
what deir friends remember when dey is in trou- 
ble, but when dey gives a party dey borry's her 
best chiny an' rock-chairs, an' den axes her to 
stay in de kitchen an' help serve de refreshments. 

"An' hit ain't nowise different wid my family. 
You know dat when I sent Ma'y Jane off to dat 
cemetary to git de higher eddication, dat I inched 
an' pinched an' took in washin' an' wore my ole 
clothes to git de money; but you think dat gal 
appreciates what I done for her? Nawm. She 
thinks dat de reason dat I eats de neck an' de 



Being Good 247 

back of de chicken, an' lets her have de white 
meat, is becaze I likes dem de best, and dat I 
wuks 'bout fourteen hours a day becaze I done 
got de habit an' can't break myself of hit. 

"Yassum, dat's de way hit goes wid de chillen, 
an' I ain't never seed one of dese noble, onselfish 
mothers, dat give up everything for her chillen, 
dat didn't end deir days in de po'house becaze 
dere warn't no room for 'em in deir sons and 
daughters flats. 

"An' dere's Ike. For thuty years I'se been a 
good an' faithful wife to Ike, an' I'se wuked my 
fingers to de bone to help keep de pot a-bilin', 
an' I'se been neat an' cheerful an' economical; 
but I ain't never seed Ike rise yet in de meetin' 
an' give in his testimony when Brer Jenkins axed 
dem to stand up what had knowed a perfect 
wife. 

"Nawm, de only man dat I ever meets dat is 
always tellin' what a fine wife he has got is Sim 
Johnsing, what is married to a no-count, triflin' 
woman dat is too lazy to git up an' git breakfast 
mo' dan twice a year — but when she does hit, my 
land, but it tickles Sim so dat he spends de bal- 
ance of de time miratin' over how industrious 
an' thoughtful she is. 

"Yassum, dat's what makes me say what I 



248 Mirandy 

do. Dat ef you wants to git de reputation for 
bein' good you des wants to do a kind act mighty 
seldom. Den de occasionalest of hit will kinder 
attract attention to hit. 

"Hit don't pay to be meek, an' onselfish, an 5 
patient, an' obligin' ev'y day; an' dat's de rea- 
son Fs gwine to change. 

"Yessum, dare's goin' to be a b-a-a-d woman 
'roun' here, dat's gwine to eat de breast of de 
chicken, an' take de first drippin's of de coffee 
pot, an' dat's gwine to wear de best clothes in de 
fambly, an' take de rollin' pin to her husband 
an' de broomstick to her chillen an' make 'em 
stand 'round, an' de forgiven' name of dat 
woman is gwine to be Mirandy. 

"You hear me? Fse a-talkin' !" 



XXX 

Christmas 

44 6 TT TELL, Sis Mirandy, 3 says Sis Araminty 
V V to me de odder day, tf de merry Chris'- 
mas-tide is almos' upon us.' 

" 'Dat's so,' I spons. 'Whenever yer sees a 
woman wid a wild look in her eye floppin' up an' 
down de aisles of a departmen' store lak a chicken 
wid hit's haid cut off, or you notice dat mos' of 
yo' lady frien's is dat worn out an' narvous dat 
dey jumps when yer speaks to 'em, an' has de 
jineral appearance of havin' jes' been through a 
long spell of sickness, you don't need nobody to 
tell you dat Chris'mas is comin'. 

" T)em am signs of Chris'mas dat never fails, 
for ef dere is any one thing dat's mo' wearin' on 
de constitution dan anythin' else, hit is tryin' to 
spread fo' dollars an' seventy-five cents over de 
Chris'mas presents for forty-'leven people, an' 
git somethin' for each one of 'em dat'll look lak 
hit cost forty-seven dollars an' fifty cents. Hit 
ain't no wonder to me dat hit runs folks batty, 

24Q 



250 Mirandy 

an' I bet dat ef we knowed whut de mos' of de 
folks in de bug-house was do in', we'd find out 
dat dey was a beatin' deir haids up against de 
padded walls, an' a sayin', "Whut'll I git dat'll 
be a sweet remembrance of dis happy Chris'mas 
for Uncle Simon, an' Aunt Sue, an' Cousin 
Maria, an' little Willie, an' all my in-laws, whut 
ain't gwine to lak whut I gits 'em, no matter 
whut hit is?' J 

( " 'Yes, Sis Araminty,' I goes on, 'hit ain't no 
wonder to me dat reason topples on hit's throne, 
as Bro Jinkins says, when we starts out to spend 
de money we can't afford, buyin' Chris'mas pres- 
ents for dem as don't want 'emJ) I finds myself 
goin' roun' in circles, a tryin' to decide whedder 
hit would be mos' appropriate to persent my 
Aunt Matildy, whut's been bed ridden for de 
las' ten years wid a misery in her back, wid a 
safety razor, or a umbrella, ( v as a slight token of 
how I thought of her at dis blessed season.' 

" Dat's de true word,' spons Sis Araminty; 
hit suttinly am curis de way yo' mind wuks 
at Chris'mas. All de balance of de yeah I can 
remember de tastes an' needs of my friends, an' 
my f ambly, but when I starts out to buy a Chris'- 
mas gift I dest loses my rabbit foot, an' I can't 
recollect, to save my life, whut a single soul laks. 



Christmas 251 

An' for dat reason I dest pitches in to de bargain 
counter an' fights wid de odder women over de 
fust thing I gits my hands on, an' de pusson dat 
I sends hit to, wid my love, on Chris'mas mawnin' 
spends de balance of de yeah hatin' me, an' 
hopin' dat I'll git run over by a automobile, or 
somethin', befo' nex Chris'mas.' 

" 'Hit's my opinion,' says I, c dat Chris'mas is 
de time dat all of yo' enemies takes to git even 
wid you, an' to do de things dat dey don't dast 
to do de balance of de year. I tell you, Sis Ara- 
minty, dat when I sets down an' looks at my 
Chris'mas gifts I am filled w r id a deep, dark sus- 
picion. You needn't tell me dat dat cat of a 
Eudory Johnsing warn't a castin' asparagus on 
my figger, which is built after de pattern of a 
fedder bed instid of a telefoam post, w T hen she 
sent me one of dese heah fancy belts whut I 
couldn't much mo' dan git aroun' my arm, let 
alone my waist. 

" 'An' I'se had my eye on dat flibberty-jibberty 
Gladys Maude Gwendolyn Jones, whut's always 
a shinin' 'roun' my ole man Ike, sense she done 
sent me a Chris'mas gift of a pair of ole lady's 
shoes de whilst she's got on dem jay-bird heel 
slippers. Lakwise I'se been wonderin' ef Bro' 
Jinkins was a promulgatin' anythin' mo' dan de 



252 Mirandy 

compliments of de season, when he sent me on 
Chris'mas mawnin' a book wid de entitlement of 
"De Art of Silence, or How to Rule by Gentle- 
ness," a well knowin' dat I is a lady whut is got 
de full use of my tongue, an' dat when me an' 
Ike has any little fambly argyment, I puts my 
faith in de rollin' pin an' de flatiron. 

" 'An' furdemo', Sis Araminty, his Chris'mas 
gift kind of shakes yo' faith in de husband of yo' 
bosom. For why, I wants to know, does Ike up 
an' persent me wid a new cook stove an' set of 
washin' tubs, ef hit warn't a kind of a hint to 
me dat I warn't a lady love no mo', but dest a 
performer on dem instruments? I lay dat ef he 
had a sent me a Chris'mas present of a cookin' 
stove an' a wash tub as a Chris'mas gift befo' we 
was married dere wouldn't have been no weddin', 
an' I would have busted dem over his haid.' 

" 'I ain't a tryin' to account for de curis pe- 
culiarities of husbands, which is de mos' ondis- 
kivered nation of people dere is,' says Sis 
Araminty, 'but one of de strangest things 'bout 
'em is dat befo' you is married to one of 'em he 
can always remember dest whut you would lak to 
have for a Chris'mas gift, an' he'll break his neck 
to git hit for you, an' after you is married to him 
he never can call to mind anything dat you has 




"I pins my faith to the rolling pin." 



Christmas 255 

spressified yerself as wantin', an' de onliest way 
dat you can corkscrew a Chris'mas gift out of him 
at all is by remindin' him ev'y mawnin' for six 
months befo'hand dat dey is gwine to celebrate 
Chris'mas on de 25th of December dis year. 

" 'By doin' dat, ef you'se got energy enough, 
you can wuk him up to de pint whar a week befo' 
Chris'mas he'll throw a dollar in yo' lap, an 5 say 
for you to go an' git yo'self a Chris'mas present, 
dat he don't know whut you want, an dat you 
couldn't hire him to resk his life in one of dem 
apartment sto'es.' 

" 'Sis Araminty,' says I, 'I don't know nothin' 
dat is mo' calkilated to bust up love's young 
dream dan de way yo' husband acts at Chris'mas 
time. Why, heah I've been a discousin' to Ike 
for de las' six months on de subject of dese heah 
weepin' wilier fedders, which I suttinly does 
hone after, but you reckon dot man is gwine to 
have gumption enough to take dat hint dat I 
knocks him down wid ev'y mawnin' at breakfas', 
an' surprise me wid one of dem fedders for a 
Chris'mas gif"? 

" 'Nawm. Hit's dollars to doughnuts dat he'll 
come smirkin' in wid a red flannel petticoat or a 
set of union underwear fo' my Chris'mas gif, an' 
den be mad becaze I don't throw fits of gratitude, 



256 Mirandy 

an' say how was he to know dat I wanted a 
weepin' wilier fedder.' 

" 'An' yet,' says Sis Araminty, 'who would do 
widout Chris'mas if dey could, no matter ef deir 
friends did send 'em embroidered whut-you-may- 
call-'ems dat dey don't know de name of nor whut 
dey is for?' 

" 'Maybe so,' I spons, 'for I notices dat ev'y 
year at Ghris'mas time I swears off agivin' or re- 
ceivin' Chris'mas presents, an' dat at 'bout dis 
time I begins to hant de sto'es, an' run aroun' wid 
de odder women alookin' for I-don't-know-whut 
to give to I-don't- know- who. But dere's de 
Lawd's mercy in one thing — dat Chris'mas don't 
come but once a year.' " 



THE END 



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